Things have been difficult the last few days. We have been spending a lot of time trying to get the new place ready and Josh has been the one having to put in most of the effort because my health is declining much more quickly than anyone would have hoped. Got a hold of the doctor today and she is increasing my pain medication by tem mls a day hoping that can get us through a little better. My energy level is completely depleted and the new tube feeds hurt so bad and I end up throwing half of them up which is impressive given they are going into my small intestine. Its been harder on everyone, Josh is trying to pick up the slack getting our place ready so we can move out of my parent's house while taking care of Damien so I can get some extra rest in. The rest of the family pitches in quite a bit but I feel so freaking worthless.
I feel like a burden to everyone. My dad made the comment that he hates what I've done to myself and I can't argue with his feelings because I did do this, years of anorexia ruined my stomach. The docs have told us that the gastroparesis was probably going to happen but it might have been less severe and I could have had a few more healthy years without worrying about surgeries and how I'm going to get my nutrition in. People who think that once you are recovered from your eating disorder everything gets all better are misinformed. Starving your body and inducing purging does serious damage to your body that can take years to heal and sometimes, like in my case will probably kill you long before you should die.I feel useless and like a failure. I do everything I can to be a good mother to my son, but sometimes I slack off in other areas, I have a hard time jumping up and cleaning my entire house in the morning and some days I'm throwing up so much that Josh has to take care of our son and that hurts me because I want to be a part of Damien's life, I want to be involved in every aspect of his world and I also want to be a good woman to josh. I'm overly emotional a lot and snippy because of the constant pain and I hate that. I have a lot more to say but my beautiful boy needs his mommy to hold him right now so this was just an update more to come later.
You did not do this to yourself. Yes, you struggled with an eating disorder. But you did not ask for severe gastroparesis. You did not ask for failing intestines. You did not ask for chronic illness. I hate that you are sick. Maybe your dad didn't mean to say it the way he did. My mom isn't exactly supportive either. I really hope they can figure something out to get you more comfortable. I'm always thinking about you. Keep blogging <3
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