Lost and learned

   I spent most of my adolesent and young adult years trapped in my eating disorder, my life revolved around what I did and didn't eat, where I could purge, and hiding the cuts on my arms, legs, and stomach. I was basically a shell of a person unable to think about anything besides was food and how little I needed it. Because of my ED I've lost a lot...my health is gone, I get my nutrition through a j tube and central lines, and it really sucks to be free from that voice screaming in my head that I can't eat things I loved and now I physically can't tolerate them. Most people would think that losing my health was the worst part of my anorexia but it wasn't.
   I was raised to be honest, my mom instilled in me that lying was one of the most horrible things anyone could do. I was one of those kids that if they did something they weren't suppose to and lied about it ended up telling on themselves. Once my ED began it became easier and easier to lie. I would do or say anything to protect my eating disorder...hide food, give it to the dog, purge outside, steal laxatives, pretty much anything you can think of I did it. In the hospital they would but my tube feeds in a huge, clear lock box so I couldn't tamper with the pump. I was like a completely different person. I put my family through hell and after years of lying to them its taken time to build the trust back up especially since the gasroparesis makes it to where I can't eat and if I do it usually ends with me throwing up...it is only natural it has taken them time to believe that I really am in recovery I simply can't eat anymore rather than I won't. The lying during those years tore me up and I wasn't trying to hurt anyone I simply couldn't stop...I didn't think I could live without my ED, I didn't think I could learn to deal with the past or new feelings without my ED. I needed the protection that anorexia gave me and I became desperate to protect the monster, and I hate that I turned into a liar during my quest for protection.
   Losing people's trust was awful but losing the actual people was even worse. I made some incredible friends in my life and now I only have a handful left. They tried to help me, sometimes making me feel like a project and when I didn't get better they couldn't be my friends anymore. I had some great times with them and I hate that the monster scared them away...they were young and didn't need to take on the responsibility of someone trapped in a nightmare. Only a few people still speak to me and only two or three have really stuck with me, one of which took me in not as a project but treated me as family and was there through every cut and every relapse and every tragedy...I consider him a brother and I will always be grateful for the countless hours he spent on the phone talking to me and never giving up even when the monster pushed him away. My best friends from high school even at such a young age have stuck with me, coming to see me in treatment even driving me three hours to treatment. I am so blessed to have them in my life still but I feel a loss for those friends that tried so hard to help and I pushed them away. They were good people and the monster made them regret helping me or even meeting me, it made me a burden rather than a friend. Friendship runs both ways and I was too stuck in my head to be a decent friend back to them though I tried. Its hard to lose people and its even harder to feel alone and looking back that was the goal of my ED if I was alone no one could take away my control, my protection, and most of all no one could hurt me. I ended up in a lot of bad situations before meeting Josh and before climbing that mountain to recovery and I'm not proud of them but I'm also not ashamed either because I learned a lot and my mistakes can help others and that's what is important to me.
   Eating disorders take so much away from a person and not only hurts the person sufferring but also the people that care about them. I've learned a lot through my struggles and I've made some amazing friends who have fought the same monster and won and some who continue the fight without giving up even when they fall. I was taught the true meaning of compassion by friends and a doctor that devoted himself to me and others like me fighting head to head with the monster that was trying to kill us and he never gave up through the midnight pages, spending hours in hospital rooms trying to help us change our paradigm, and constantly saving us from ourselves. I know what it means to truly love someone as family even when they lack your blood. I've learned that I have the ability to fight and survive...I found my voice when I found recovery. I've learned a lot and I've lost a lot because of my eating disorder. I feel like this all happened to me for a reason and instead of mourning for what I lost I'm using my experience to help others so they might avoid any pain. I regret the friendships I've lost and the pain I've caused others but I do not regret the strength I found in myself to beat this monster, a strength and a will to live I now use fighting the gastroparesis and intestinal failure that threaten my life today. I will never give up and I will never shut up...I hope that through my ramblings I can help just one person avoid pain or find the strength inside of them to fight for recovery.