Other side of fence

   Damien has been sick the last couple of days and I feel so helpless. He looks up at me with flushed cheeks and tears rolling down his face and all I can do is hold him and sing to him. I've found myself crying a lot because this is the first time in his little life he has been this sick with high fevers and crying for me even when he spent Christmas throwing up everywhere he would still play a little bit more than he is now. My parents, along with everyone else keeps telling me its a virus and all kids get sick and I'm doing everything right but I feel helpless!
   These couple days have given me a glimpse of what my parent's went through when I was in my eating disorder and what they still go through everytime they see me hooked up to my tube feeds or hear about another surgery. During my anorexia I didn't think my parents gave a crap and just wanted to be left alone...I would scream that I had everything undercontrol and for them to go away. They drug me to doctor's, sat me at the table to eat, yelled at me, left me alone, and every other idea the helpsites gave them and nothing worked. They watched as I shrunk more and more, they watched their daughter disappear physically and emotionally. They forced me into treatment and I played the system and came out worse than when I went in. They left me at college hoping it might spark something in me and by the end of semester were visiting me on the adolescent unit of the hospital where I was being tube fed and kept on iv fluids and a heart monitor. For years they never knew if I was going to make it or if they would bury their daughter. They must have felt a lot like I do right now but their terror went on for years and still goes on.
   During my anorexia I couldn't see the toll my disease took on my family and friends. I loved them all so much and I thought by pushing them away I was protecting them. I spent so many years thinking I found recovery only to lose it. I am only now able to put myself in their shoes...everyone watched as I starved, purged, and cut myself up uncontrollably and all they could do was sit back and wait like I am with Damien, I can hold him and give him tylenol but he will beat this virus when his body has enough to do it. Its breaking my heart...I'm in his room every two seconds wanting to hold him until he is ready to go sliding at the park. As a parent you will do anything to take your child's pain away and I found out that doesn't change whether the kid is two days old or 26 years old. I'm seeing more from their side right now and I can understand more of why they have done what they've done in the past...they were trying to save me pain like I'm trying to do with my lil guy. I guess sometimes its just surreal to see it from the other side.