My fears

   I am a devoted Catholic, many people don't know the role religion plays in my life. I pray every night to God and thank Him for another day with my family. I have faith that there is a heaven and faith in my religion, but I have fear. I have this weakened body and I face more surgeries and I've discovered myself fearing everything more and more. I am terrified of dying, terrified of what its going to be like and terrified of leaving my baby behind. I pray so hard that I will see my son grow up. Its hard for me to admit my fear since I spent most of my life cutting, starving and purging most people tell me I did this to myself and they are partially right...the anorexia made a condition I already had get much much worse. I spent years praying for death, overdosing three times just wanting the pain to end...I can't imagine being that girl again. I honestly don't even see that same empty reflection when I look in the mirror. Years ago life was so painful and I didn't think I was strong enough to beat it...I was raped, my mom died, my family didn't know how to help and I felt alone.
   During this time I thought there was no way out except to end my life and someone must have been watching over me because I got through three very close attempts. I'm sure you are thingking right now "attention seeker" but I promise you it wasn't I thought I could fix everything and make everyone happy if I were gone. I know now how wrong I was and how many people I would have hurt because even when loved ones don't seem to show their love doesn't mean they don't love you they just don't always know how to express their feelings. My family has their problems but they are my family and they love me.
   I know what its like to hit rock bottom and its a hell of a climb back out but it is possible. I've been in recovery for almost three years and somedays it feels like its way longer others way shorter. But everyone deserve recovery and I found it too late and now I'm terrified. Its hard for me to admit that...I try so hard to stay positive and smile but I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to die and leave behind my baby and josh, I'm scared of what will happen when I day...I will always be honest I believe in God and have faith but everyone has their nerves because they don't know what it going to happen. I've been a control freak for my whole life and that's one thing I can't control and it scares the crap out of me. I watched them put my mom in the ground and I remember wanting to climb down there with her even after years of fighting because of her alcoholism they were putting my mommy in the ground and I needed her at that moment and she was gone. I've started writing a book to damien explaining things and telling him our stories just incase I can't be here for everything. I'm 26yrs old and I'm suppose to have a longer life but ?y anorexia led me to this...I feel like I'm 88 sometimes. I've had to accept my limitations and put full trust in doctors to help me and I have a doc that is determined to help me be here as long as possible, but I'm so scared.
   I know this seems like a rambling blog post but maybe it is but if you know me you know I don't usual admit my fears and at 26 I'm not ready to give up and I won't. I am a fighter and I'm strong and I'm scared. I'm even ashamed of the years I spent bogged down in my ED refusing to reach out ans accept the help that was offered. I had a great doctor who did everything he could for me and I fought him the whole way because I was so afraid to feel, so afraid that people would see I have feelings or even cry...I was terrified of speaking up because people might think badly of me or I might be embarrassed looking at that now I realize that it was trivial...worrying about what everyone thought of me...if they loved me and were my friends they would love me through it all and like I said previously very few will stick it out through the long haul with you.
   For those of you that have stuck with me through this post if you are struggling reach out for help because I promise you its there and nomatter what lies are going through your head you deserve to be happy, you deserve a life that doesn't revolve around calories and weight...you can handle your feelings without starving or purging or cutting. I don't want anyone to be in the same spot as me 26yrs old and terrified your going to die before you get to watch your baby grow up enough to eben know you were his mommy. Whatever you do don't give up the fight. Because all you can do is keep fighting and you can get through...we are survivors not victims.