Fight

   I'm not entirely sure if anyone reads this but todays post is going to be about the times you want to give up. Things have been rough right now, we moved into a new place and Josh hasn't been able to find work yet despite going out all the time busting his butt in town constantly being judged by his past which really makes me angry...I don't understand judgemental people...how can you make a decision about someone without knowing their story or walking in their shoes? Ontop of all that Damien has been pretty sick which breaks my heart. If that were everything going on right now I would feel discouraged but I got an email from my doc today that informed me from a medical standpoint there isn't much left to do to help my intestine motility which means that I'm looking at going back on IV nutrition which to those of you who don't know is where a surgeon places a central line into your heart and they give you all your nourishment through that iv and its incredibly dangerous due to the blood infections that can be caused with the line and the fact that tpn while it nourishes you it damages your liver generally leading to transplantation. All of this has me feeling pretty torn down.
   Somedays I want to give up the fight, I want to do something that can make everything to just numb away. In the old days I would have locked myself away in my head and been bleeding and starving away all of these bad feelings and stresses. Days like today make me want to throw my hands up but then I look at Damien and I realize the fight has to keep going and giving up is NEVER going to be an option. No matter how bad my health gets I will psu through it and I won't turn back to the old me. I am a mommy and I believe in mommying up...three years ago I would have been locked away in my head and my bedroom and a few weeks after that admitted to the hospital to be force fed...no more. I go to the hospital when I have to and leave as soon as they get me well enough to come home. I have a fialing body but my spirit is strong. Life seems impossible sometimes...there is never enough time, money, or anything else but you have to make it work. I won't stop fighting...I can't stop fighting. I got one miracle and his name is Damien and I will watch him grow up and I will do it however I have to...hooked up to tubes, transplanted, you name it I will fight through it all for my baby. My anorexia took so much from me and I will be damned if it takes anything else. I woke up screaming last night that I had another baby...a little girl like I wanted to try for before surgery and she died and Damien walked in as I started to fade. I'm blessed for what I have...we don't have a lot of money and I don't have a strong body but I have a baby that depends on me and runs to me when he is hurt or sick...he is my world and I promised him mommy would always be here and I refuse to stop the fight and break that promise no matter how hard it gets I'm his mommy first and foremost.