Fear

I was talking to Josh about my next blog post because I was so unsure about what to talk about and then he came up with the perfect subject...fear. during my anorexia one of the biggest things that held me in my disorder was fear. My anorexia was my best friend and my protector and losing it scared the crap out of me. Looking back I was afraid of everything...food, weight, people knowing my secrets, and so much more.
   Fear drove my anorexia and made me do anything to sabotage my recovery. I spent weeks and even months in treat,  residential setting, eating disorder units, and my doctor's adolescent medical unit fighting them tooth and nail every step of the way. They locked my tube feeds up in a box so I wouldn't touch them, they restricted me to the unit so I couldn't exercise, and they put sitters in my room so I wouldn't tamper with my tube or iv lines. These doctors and nurses were fighting and fearing for my life while I was too afraid to face my life and fight my disease. Even when they diagnosed me with gastroparesis and removed all but ten percent of my stomach and put in another surgical j tube...I still couldn't let go I couldn't face the things of my life without my anorexia.
   Then things began to change...it wasn't all at one I became so scared to live I tried to kill myself three times one of which ending me up in the intensive care unit. The fear began to change...I was still scared of living without my ED, not having my weight and calories to control but I had a new fear of dying. It took months of fighting and falling apart but I slowly began facing my fears and learning to let go of my anorexia. Don't get me wrong I still have some fears...I'm terrified of jeans and I find it best for my recovery to leave them alone and I also stay away from scales my doctors know and I no longer need to. Recovery scares the hell out of me somedays and I think about the way it use to be when I had that fake protection from my disease, but then I think about the fears I have now. I fear for the damage I've done to my body, I fear the surgeries, the medications and constant hospital trips, but my main fear is dying before my baby knows who his mommy is. I look at him everyday and think about what he will see growing up and it hurts me. He doesn't have a mommy that can chase him for hours at the park without needing a dose of pain medication and a nap when we return or he will never know me without tubes and central lines. Fears change as life does. I fear for my baby now...every little scrape on his kneee or fever he gets I want to cry with him...he is my world and my only hope is to keep fighting for him because giving up isn't an option I overcame my fear of giving up my anorexia and recovered now I will keep psuhing a body that is weakening as far as I can and I pray to watch him grow into a wonderful man someday. Fear only controls us as long as we let it.