Recovery versus Recovered

   I know I am going to catch some hate for this post and that is ok because its my blog and my opinion. As someone who spent most of her teens and early twentys trapped in an eating disorder thinking there was no way out I can only tell you from my story. I spent years in hosptial beds and treatment centers being force fed through a tube in my nose, I couldn't see the dying young woman that everyone else could. I hit rock bottom, I tried to take my life which left me in the intensive care unit, I felt like I couldn't make that monster in my head shut up. All I could hear was how I wasn't good enough, thin enough, perfect enough, I was a failure. When I looked in the mirror I just couldn't see the sick person looking back at me.com I fought everyone trying to help and pushed everyone away.
   My recovery began slow, it wasn't some magnificent realization and I turned it all around in a day. It was a slow and rocky climb that often found me back two steps. I hated food, I was disgusted with every bite, every can of tube feed that went inside my j tube, but I learned very slowly to tolerate it. There were times my skin crawled while my brain told me I deserved punishment...I had to purge or cut and everyday I didn't I got a little stronger. I had to learn to trust people, Josh in my case, I trusted him not to put my scary foods infront of me, I trusted him to hold me when I wanted to escape my own skin, and his love helped me fight. He didn't fix me, but he stuck by me so I could work on myself which so many people hadn't been able to do. I understand why I lost so many friends, its frustrating and painful to watch people you care about in such pain and causing so much pain. I was not an easy person to be around in the depths of my anorexia...Andrea disappeared and was replaced with this disease, this desperate need to keep nutrition out of me, I needed to be empty, I needed the control, I couldn't feel all the pain that my anorexia and self harm was protecting me from.
   Its been three years since I've ventured down my road to recovery. I hear people say I'm recovered and to be honest I'm not and I believe I never will be. I believe I can stay in a lasting recovery but not recovered. The anorexia still lives deep inside of me and I can admit often makes its way to the surface, I know have the strength to push it back down. I will always battle my demons. I would be lying if I said I didn't thing about restricting or cutting because I do. I'm not ashamed of that at all because I don't give in. My eating disorder will always be apart of me and to be honest I'm okay with that because it has shown me I am so much stronger and can face more than I ever thought I could.
   I know some people believe that it is possible to be completely recovered and maybe for them its true but I don't want others to get discouraged if you still have to fight that ED voice back down from time to time. You should be proud everyday you stand up to it and eat something, anything. Trust me I started with safe foods before venturing out. It all takes time, I want so much more for others sufferring, I want to save you from destroying your body like me. I'm left with a stomach and intestines that don't work, we face surgeries all the time and eventually transplant. Through all this I don't feel sorry for me I simply want my story to help others even just one person.
   I don't believe I will ever be totally recovered, to be honest I find the word damning, setting me up to fail. I work my recovery every day...I make the decision everyday to hook up to my feeds and hydration. Complacency leaves room for relapse. I work my recovery daily...I would be a liar if I told you ED doesn't find a way to the forefront of my mind sometimes. Somedays my skin crawls for the relief it use to feel when I cut. I know some people believe that you can become completely recovered, no more obsessing about ED, no more thinking about the numbers or anything like that. I strongly disagree. The moment you stop focusing on your recovery you leave room for relapse. Anorexia hides in the depths of your brain and you can go for a long time and not think about it and then bam its at the forefront of your mind. I respect my recovery and I know how easy it would be to lose it. My recovery has been one of the hardest things I've done one step forward and two steps back.
   I encourage you to keep focusing on your recovery, don't convince yourself its gone because its a monster that creeps in before you know what is going on. I'm twenty six years old with a j tube in my intestine to be fed and a central line to keep me hydrated and even with all of this I sometimes look in the mirror and thos thoughts come back. I am able to push it back because I know the consequences...my son is my everything. Maybe its possible to be fully recovered but in my experience its not something I can accept. I focus on my recovery everyday. I've learned to feel pain without turning to restricting or cutting but I keep my guard up.
   I'm sorry if I've offended someone but its my opinion that recovery is a life long battle, you're not just all of a sudden fine, you forget about the behaviors that protected you for so long. Everyday I stop and think about how far I've come and know that I have so much farther to go. Please don't stop fighting...its a slow, uphill battle but you can win, you aren't alone. I will talk to anyone who needs support. I want so badly to help people through the recovery process and its a process, a process that takes time, in my opinion a lifetime. You learn something new all the time in recovery and its truly amazing what you can learn about life and yourself, you can learn to value you and now the numbers on a scale or what size clothes you wear. There will be tough days but you will learn your strength to get through them and its beautiful. Don't give up.