Scared

   I know it has been awhile since I've updated, been battling a blood infection and next Friday I will go to the OR for the fourth time. My doctor who has taken care of me for the last few years has decided since my surgeon is at a different hospital then I should see and internist at that hospital. We have called countless docs and none will take someone in my condition. I am kept alive through central lines and fluids with potassium and tube feed through my j tube. The only reason I have any quality of life is the pain medication that numbs the unbearable pain I feel everyday and now I have no doctor to write my orders for my food and fluid. I don't admit this too often but I'm scared, terrified would be the best word to describe this situation. Without my central line I can't stay hydrated and without my tube feed I can't stay nourished.
   I feel so scared and so alone, I have friends who understand but family takes everything so lightly because they can't understand, they don't feel this everyday. This disease causes so much pain somedays I feel like I can't breathe and through all of it I smile and be a mommy to my son and my biggest fear is he will never know how much I loved him, how I would have given anything to make him happy. I hate myself for falling into anorexia and bulimia for kicking this disease into overdrive. I put the people I care about through so much and I hate myself for it.  I feel like the doctor I trusted abandoned me and I'm like a leper to the rest of them because I can't be treated easily with cold medicine and a flu shot.
   I believe in God and I believe he puts us through things for a reason, but at the same time I'm angry because at this rate I won't see thirty, I won't see my miracle grow up and go to his first day of school. I have this body that is barely holding on but my spirit is fighting so hard. Its not fair to josh to have to spend his days off taking care of me and keeping me comfortable.
   I've notice those thought breaking their way to the forefront of my mind...I found those old anorexic thought trying to overcome me in my weakness, reminding me how much better it was when my life was revolving around calories and restricting, how I wouldn't have to think about all of this pain and fear anymore, and I listened for about three seconds before I put it out of my head. I have no room for anorexia in my life right now or cutting.  Back during my ED I didn't fear death, I almost embraced it because I had nothing to live for and now I have everything to live for and a body that is running out of fight. Somedays it hurts so bad to move let alone get my housework done, I play with my beautiful miracle baby and sometimes picking him up causes pain, pain that is worth it.
   I read on some boards how people, young girls are fighting for eating disorders and it makes me so sad. I don't know if its the media or what glamorizing this illness but its awful. They don't talk about your hair falling out, the hair that grows on your starving body, being force fed with a tube down their nose, or the fact that it could kill just months after your start. I lost college, great friends, and my health to years of my ED. Now here I am at 26 in a dying body so scared I can't even put it into words. I am a devoted Catholic and I pray to the Lord day and night, but I'm still so scared, scared of what's next and even more scared of leaving the one thing I've ever done right in this world. I've disappointed so many people and I know that but Damien is my miracle, he saved me, brought me back from my nothingness and now to think he will never know how much I loved him, remember all the things we did together. Being a mommy has been my purpose and I know God gave me that gift.
   I know this blog post isn't my usual, but I'm being completely raw here. I've never been goo about admitted my fears but I am terrified. If I can't find a doc willing to take on very sick patients I'm not going to make it and I want to be strong and unwaivering but ill admit it...I'm terrified.