Great topic from a wonderful friend

   I started noticing more problems with pain and nausea after the small amounts of food I allowed myself in 2008, I would get that bloated refeeding belly that I usually got after a long hospital stay except this time I wasn't refeeding but barely taking anything in. My doctor sent me in to have a gastric emptying study done, that is where you eat a small amount of scrambled eggs that have an isotope that shows up under flouroscopy. I sat there for hours waiting for the eggs to empty like they were suppose to and they never did. I was diagnosed with gastroparesis which literally means stomach paralysis. What little I was allowing myself to take in was just sitting and rotting in my stomach...I spent time either in lots of pain or vomitting uncontrollably. To help me get some nutrition in I was placed in the hospital and a feeding tube was put down my nose and into my small intestine to avoid vomitting.
   Now I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't still trapped in my anorexia. I obsessed about every drip of tube feed that made its way in. I knew logically how sick the gastroparesis was making me but my ED voice kept encouraging it, telling me this disease was a blessing now I didn't have to eat. I couldn't see how life threatening and debilitating the disease really was.
   After months of having the tube down my nose and throwing it up a few times I went into see the surgeon who was suppose to place a surgical feeding tube in my jejunum. This particular surgeon told me there was a procedure that could cure my gastroparesis, he would do a partial gastrectomy leaving me with ten percent of my stomach left and ideally it would allow food to empty faster. I reluctantly agreed and when I woke up from surgery I had most of my stomach gone, a drain, and a j tube to help me get my nutrition. The surgery was very painful and I had a number of complications including discovering my intestines were paralyzed partially and had serious malabsorption issues. Even through this torture I was still holding on to my ED, I didn't think I could cope with this disease, the pain, life in general if I didn't have my anorexia to focus on. I couldn't hold down anything and I was in bed crying in pain most of the time.
   It was around this time I was giving up, I was in the ICU for overdosing, I gave up on my tube feeds because they hurt so bad, and everytime I turned around I was in the hospital and headed to the OR. All I felt was pain and even the anorexia couldn't cover it up. It was about this time I met Josh and I was a total mess...I didn't want to be in pain anymore, I wanted to get better but I still had my ED voice telling me food was bad and scary. Josh stood by me and encouraged me to keep fighting, he held me through the pain when I tried to eat, sat with me in the bathroom sick as can be, and he never turned away even when the anorexic voice came out telling him I hated him and I wouldn't let him make me fat and he couldn't control me. Slowly but surely things started to change and let me tell you it was sometimes two steps forward and three steps back but we never gave up. I felt it wasn't just me and my eating disorder against everyone but it was me and josh against my ED.
   My biggest wake up call to recovery happened while I was in the hospital because my intestines were rejecting feeds and I was losing blood. They told me I would have to go on TPN and it was complicated to deal with at home. I had to have a central line to deliever the nutrition to my heart, there are many risks with TPN sepsis from line infections, liver damage and so on. Within a year I had been in the OR ten times and something had to change. I slowly learned to let go of my anorexia and begin fighting my gastroparesis. Focusing on numbers and spending every free second in the mirror judging myself just wasn't the way to survive and fight this disease.
   Don't get me wrong my ED still lives deep inside of me but I know how to fight her. I was even given the miracle of having a baby when it was never suppose to happen. I live everyday with tube feeds, central lines and pain medication to help with the excruciating pain in my intestines. In the end I had to decide what was important...I could have held on to the anorexia and the GP would have destroyed me that much faster or I could really work recovery and fight this disease to which there is no cure. I made the choice to fight. Somedays are really hard even three years later but I look at my son and Josh and its worth it. There are no promises but I trust in God and I won't give up. I get scared esp on really bad pain days I cry and hope I can make it through. The pain subsides and I get up to see a smiling baby. Being sick is tough but at least I'm not alone. During my eating disorder I was alone even when I was surrounded by people I was trapped in my own head. I made the decision three years ago to fight and not stand idly by and let it all overtake me.
   I am not ashamed of my past and I write this blog to help others through my experiences. I will answer questions honestly and not shy away from the tough stuff so feel free to send me suggestions for blogs or questions.