Emotion...the good, the bad, and the ugly

   I've found myself more and more emotional lately. I'm watching my son hit so many milestones and I think about how many more he will reach in his preecious life and wonder how many of them I won't be able to see. I've actually found myself missing my anorexia or at least that fog it put over my brain where all I could here was fat,fat,fat, failure,failure,failure, and food, food, food. Now, in recovery that fog has lifted and I can think clearly again and I can face the future with crystal clear reality. The gastroparesis has taken my twenty six year old body and aged it far beyond anything I could have expected. I'm not scared of the surgeries or battling the infections, I will find the strength for my son. I'm most scared of leaving my baby and him having to watch me in pain, covered with tubes hanging out to feed me. I saddens me that my 18month old isn't phased when I am hooked up to my IV fluids or when I carry around my backpack full of tube feed. He still smiles at me and yells for "momma" to come pick him up. He doesn't see me as sick yet he just knows I'm his mommy and I play with him and take care of him. I know someday he will catch onto the fact that I'm not like all the other moms out there. I won't always make it to every game or concert because sometimes I will be in the hospital or too sick to make it and it will break my heart when he tells me he understands because I never wanted him to have to understand this.
   I am angry, I've always had a hard time admitting that fact, always wussed out when it came to standing up for myself or what I believe in. Now I feel like screaming all my thoughts from mountain tops. I want to tell young girls to stop hating their body, I want to tell people that you can overcome an eating disorder and you deserve to live free from it, I won't tell you its easy,but the hard work you put into recovery is worth it. I want to scream at every ignorant doctor that has ever made a stupid comment about gastroparesis and I want to tell all of those sufferring how brave they are and that I understand the courage it takes to get up everyday and hook up to tube feeds or tpn to push through the pain of multiple surgeries and line infections. I'm yelling for the people who have lost their fights to eating disorders and to those who fought their gastroparesis so hard until their body couldn't handle anymore. We deserve a cure and its only going to happen if we keep yelling.
   Everyone use to walk all over me, I held everything in and punished myself for not living up to everyone else's expectations. I starved myself, purged and cut while I was alone so I could keep smiling for everyone else. It took me years of recovery and fighting a chronic illness that is slowly taking my physical abilities, I alread get fed throug a tube and hydrated through an IV to finally stop faking it. If I'm happy or feeling joyous I will tell you and smile if I am sad or angry I can talk about that too I don't need to cut it on my flesh or flush it down the toilet.
   God gave me this little miracle that I was never suppose to get and I've watched him grow over the last eightteen months and I love him so much...he makes me smile, he makes me cry, and my heart belongs to him. What hurts me the most is knowing that at any second, at this simple surgery on Friday God could decide my time is up and I will never see those beautiful blue eyes sparkling at me again or cuddle him on my shoulder. Can I tell you the truth I am angry with God, I still love the Lord but I spend every night pleading with him for another day. I'm selfish...I've had help beating anorexia,self harm and battling my disease but its not enough I want to stay here for my baby. I need him to know who I am before I die...I need him to know how much I loved him and that I would do it again. The docs told us carrying him could make me sicker and it did, he took every last reserve I had and I am so happy I was able to give it to him because he is beautiful and healthy.
   I guess the main idea of this post is emotion...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Its ok to feel, its ok to be you. I spent so many years being everyone but me and now at twenty six looking down a uncertain path I can allow myself to feel. I focus on being a mommy everyday, my baby sees me with central lines and feeding tubes but you know what he still smiles, he isn't scared of me because hospital bed or not I still get to be his mommy. Don't hide your feelings if you want to scream or vent I will listen because we all deserve to have our voices because you never know when it will be too late to use them.