I spent so many years trying to disappear into my eating disorder, I didn't care about the consequences or that it was killing me. I spent my nights slicing my arms open to try and release all the hurt inside and in the end I'm just left with scars. Now here I am at twenty six facing down my mortality. The docs can't do much else, they manage my pain and try to keep me going with IV hydration and tube feeds. They have said that by thirty what's left of my intestines will be shot and I have a heck of a time keeping my lines from getting infected. I never planned it this way, I planneed to get my degree, get married, and have babies. The Lord blessed me with a miracle child. They told me he would weaken me and he did, but seeing that beautiful boy was worth everything to me and I wouldn't change it for the world.
   So many years I spent I spent obsessing about numbers and perfection, a perfection I could never attain. I use to think if I could reach that perfect number then all the punishment would stop, but no matter how low the number got I couldn't stop the punishment.  It took so many years for me to find recovery and convince myself that I didn't have to punish myself anymore. Even now though I still find myself punishing myself. I don't starve, purge or cut but I know that my anorexia contributed to everything going on now.
   I have a beautiful baby boy and I spend so many nights trying to make deals with God just to give me more time to watch him grow. I want him to know his mommy, to remember how much I loved him. I know there is no promise of tomorrow but it breaks my heart to think of leaving my son.
   I read about girls trying to develope an eating disorder and it makes me sick. Its not a lifestyle it is hell and it takes everything away from you. You lose family and friends because when you are in your ED there is only room for the two of you. You aren't alive just simply existing. It gets its claws into you and you can't escape. Years of my life all I can remember is the numbers, hospitals, feeding tubes, IVs, and so much more. I wish I could save everyone before the diseases takes over and ruins your body and life.
   Everyday is uncertain for me, I kiss my son and watch him sleep wondering if I will see him walk into his first day of school or do so many other amazing things. Uncertainty is an awful feeling. Every trip to the OR I pray I will wake up to see my son again. Looking back I wish I could have accepted help before it got so far. I write all this personal stuff because I want to make a difference to maybe one person. I don't want more young people facing down death. Tell someone, anyone because no one deserves this type of punishment.