Pregnancy after ED and with severe gastroparesis

On February 17, 2011 I was given the biggest miracle of my life...my son joined this world at a very healthy 6lbs 10oz and 19in long. It was the best moment of my life. And a moment that everyone told me I would most likely never have. After years of anorexia and bulimia I hadn't had a regular period in years and the gastroparesis had me dependent on TPN at the time (iv nutrition directly to the heart). All the doctors agreed there was no way I would get pregnant and if I did I would lose the baby probably before a positive pregnancy test could even happen.
   On mother's day 2010 I was admitted to the hospital because the central line I got my TPN through became infected and I was septic. I needed iv antibiotics multiple times a day for weeks. I spent a week in the hospital and then went home on iv antibiotics three times a day unable to run my only source of nutrition because TPN feeds the infection. Between the nasty side effects of the strong antibiotics and being unable to get nutrition I felt awful. Turns out my port was damaged and needed to be removed at the beginning of june. Through all of this I didn't have a period and honestly didn't think anything of it because I had become so use to not having one. I went to my doc a few weeks later and told her my nausea had been worse with headaches and overall sensitivity. She laughed and said maybe she should run a pregnancy test never thinking it possible I was carrying a baby. Two hrs after my appointment I got a shocked phone call from my doc informing me that I was pregnant and she couldn't believe it. The next few weeks were a blur...it was determined I was eight weeks pregnant and the iv antibiotics must have wiped my system and my birthcontrol and the impossible became possible. I had my central line removed and surgery for another j tube to be put in because we had to get thisbaby some nutrition.
   I thought the pregnancy would bring out some of those old eating disorder feelings but it was completely opposite. My docs refused to talk to me about my weight and I weighed backwards every week to see where my progress was. I was angry during the time because I wanted to know I was gaining enough wt for the first time in my life I wanted to show...I wanted people to see how pregnant I was. I struggled during my pregnancy more with my gastroparesis...I had to get my tube feeds in so damien would grow and my intestines hurt so bad that I would cry during feeds they actually had to put me on daily narcotics to make sure the feeds got in which caused me to worry more about damien. Five of the nine months I was on bedrest and only left the house twice a week to go to the doctor. I was a nervous wreck. When we went in to out appointment on feb 17 he failed his ultrasound profile before I knew it I was admitted and getting prepped for a c section and, after months of worrying and three hours of stress induced contractions my son was delivered at 12:34 pm via c section and was perfectly healthy with not a one symptom of withdraw.
   Here I was with this new baby and new body...there was no longer a little person in there relying on me to feed myself to feed him. I started to notice my old eating disorder voice trying to creep through, tried making excuses as to why I couldn't hiik up to my tube feeds and thinking about how loose my body felt, how things were now in the wrong place. I noticed the obsessive thoughts trying to come through, counting calories, negative self talk basically anorexia trying to rear her ugly head and ruin this new experience of being a mommy. At this point I looked down at my son and told that ED voice to go to hell. I was holding a little person that was never suppose to happen, he was never suppose to make it and then I wasn't suppose to make it and here we were.he was already going to have a mommy with gastroparesis, a mommy who will always have feeding tubes, iv lines and surgeries he was not going to have anorexic mommy...he was never going to visit me in a treatment center. I will admit to anyone that I am not happy with my body image but I'm learning to accept it because I have a 14 month old son that thinks the world of me and I love him more than life itself. My pregnancy was one of the scariest, toughest and yet most miraculous time of my life and there was no room for anorexia in it.  I was blessed we made it, blessed it actually happened. My son has changed my life and he gives me the courage to keep battling for my recovery and fighting my gastrolparesis and facing every surgery every painful procedure or day his smiles push me through and I mommy up and take care of him...my miracle.