My top ten reasons for recovery

*I write most of these with my phone so please excuse any typos or anything like that*

1. Damien-he is my everything, my heart beats for him. Becoming a mommy changed me so much it became all about my baby and I vowed I would fight for my recovery because he would never see me in a treatment center or be without his mommy because I was refusing to fight my eating disorder. I know my gastroparesis will cause us to be apart sometimes because of surgery and hospitals but not that monster, anorexia.

2. Josh- he has stayed with me and fallen in love with me despite me being sick and him having to spend to much time taking care of me. When we met I was still a full blown anorexic and bulimic along with cutting every five minutes. He fell in love with me when everyone had written me off and dealt with me while I found my way to recovery and let me tell you it wasn't easy and I was very difficult to be with. During some rough times he was there and loved me.

3. Family and friends- I put them throug so much I was a mean person, my ED turned me into a liar, I was not Andrea for years I was a walking talking eating disorder. I lashed out over the tinest things and did awful things to avoid eating. It has taken a long time for us to heal our relationship and I feel like there is more to go.

4. To keep my already crappy health situation stable for awhile longer- my body is shutting down...the gastroparesis has destroyed my stomach and my intestines are basically failing and my tube feeds aren't going well and that means they will use IV nutrition which means sepsis and other complications that would cause me to miss time with my son. If I were to let my anorexia creep back into my life it would destroy everything that much quicker. I feel like I've lost enough to it.

5. ED became so exhausting- my eating disorder became so exhausting and took over me so much that I was giving up before I found recovery....I overdosed three times in like two months. I hit rock bottom and it was either recover or die and with a lot of support from mainly josh I pulled myself up slowly and made the steps towards recovery that I've hung tight to for three years.

6. Awareness- I can now use my story to help others and if sharing my troubles and my ups and downs helps just one person it was all worth it.

7. My mom dying- I had what was basically a breakdown after my mom died. She died from alcoholism. I saw her in the hospital in a coma and all I could think of was how we were losing our mom because she refused to fight, refused to put down the bottle and that wasn't going to be me. I didn't want my life to end like hers, I didn't want to make everyone watch me throw my life away.

8. Kelly- my sister was like my baby when she was born I took care of her all the time and loved her so much. I protected her from our mom's drunken rages and when my anorexia and self harm was discovered I had to go live with my dad and sisnt see her for another few years. I left her there and she has still remained devoted to her sissy. I wasn't there when my mom got so sick kelly was being left on her own at five. I had to find recovery so I can be a role model for her and be here when she needs a woman to talk to. What kind of example was I when all I ever did was obsess about numbers and food and then sliced myself up when I got upset. Now I can show her strength and how to overcome difficulties life throws at you.

9. Grandma- when my grandma lost my mom she became so upset and let me know if anything happened to me she wouldn't make it anymore. This is the woman who spent all of her life taking care of me playing with me instead of doing adult things. She told me stories and played pretent with me...I constantly made her the groom when we played wedding :-) I love her so much and the way I was heading I was breaking her heart and it had to stop.

10. ME- that's right I found recovery for myself. I decided that I was done speding all my time obsessing about food and every single number. I just wanted to have sometime as a normal young woman. I still struggle and have horrible body image but I not longer spend my time planning meals or counting every bite of food then punishing myself all the time and for what? I was so scared to just be Andrea and now I'm learning that its ok to be me...its ok to have feelings and open my mouth and voice them...I don't have to starve or cut to keep a smile on my face.

*Recovery is a process full of ups and downs and to be honest I still struggle but I fight through it and hold tight to my reasons for recovery. Somedays I think about going back and then I remember it and look at damien and I realize its time to speak up and voice when I'm struggling and accept help which most of the time is just needing someone to listen. I ask for help if I notice I'm obsessing about my tube feeds or whatever. I now understand I deserve to be happy and I deservemy recovery. I've been blessed with a miracle, damien was never suppose to make it or me for that matter and we did I will watch my miracle grow and become a lil man...miracles don't happen often and I've got one. I was labeled chronic with my anorexia I was never suppose to recover but here I am recovery is possible!