Aftermath

I spent a long time today thinking about what to blog and trying to let go of the events that have happened during the week but I decided I needed this one more post to close everything. I went in for my surgery on the third and I had a very hard time relaxing knowing they were about to take away my ability to have babies but I put it somewhere in the back of my mind that if I got better or had transplant maybe they could untie my tubes and maybe, just maybe another miracle baby would be in the cards. With this thought I was able to smile and kiss my beautiful baby boy and josh before they wheeled me back to the operating room...nothing new just another OR they told me it would only be about a thirty min procedure. I woke up two hours later in the recovery rm with doctors over me and the usual muffle of the oxygen mask and pain meds being pushed. I expected to hear that everything went well it it was time to go home...not what I heard at all. They said there were complications during my surgery my left fallopian tube had a cyst wrapped around it that they felt would rupture and cause serious problems so they had no choice but remove one of my fallopian tubes during the surgery. The tell me this is a good thing, they sent it to the lab but they aren't concerned about cancer and since I was there to have my tubes tied its not as if I was planning for more children and would be worried about losing the tube which would make pregnancy harder. The next thing I know I'm being taken to stepdown recovery where I had to be closely monitored for a few more hours because my blood pressure wouldn't come out of the eighties and neither would my sats everytime I fell asleep alarms would blare. Eventually, they sent me home later in the afternoon doped up on drugs and missing more of my organs.
   I've had a ton of different emotions...anger being one of the most frequent. I'm angry that they removed parts of me without my permission, I feel like they ruined my "secret" plans of magically getting better or having a post transplant baby. Mainly, I'm just angry at myself for getting myself into this situation...if I hadn't been anorexic and bulimic then the gastroparesis wouldn't have become so severe so fast and if the GP hadn't destroyed my stomach and intestines so much then I would have more babies. But, I've become aware of the fact that there are just a lot of"ifs" in my sentences and I can't change most od them at this point all I can do is deal with the consequences and do my best to spread awareness to others. I will continue to cry and journal for awhile but it is getting easier and I know I can focus more on my son and be his mommy for as long as possible. I found out some things about my first pregnancy that I didn't know after surgery. Come to find out I was on bedrest mainly because my body was shutting down...the baby was taking every drop of tube feed and everything...my wt was dropping and I was damn lucky my son and I survived. I knew damien was a miracle baby because I wasn't suppose to be able to get pregnant but now I know how blessed I truly am to be here holding and loving on my son. They kept how bad it was getting from me because I was already a nervous mess. I guess it only makes sense that damien is my only child.
   I'm simply going to close this one with honesty...I'm angry and weepy at times...I hate that monster anorexia for what she did to me and I hate my body for turning against me one organ at a time. I accepted my stomach failing and then my inestines but then I lose a piece of my womanhood...I know there is so much more to me than ovaries and fallopian tubes but I feel like I've lost something close to me and I'm coping in my own way. I know how blessed I am...I have a life now that is tough...its tough being sick but I have a better life now being a mommy with GP and intestinal failure dealing with surgeries and all that than I did with my eating disorder. All my ED did was give me a false sense of protection from my feelings and life...I obsessed about food and numbers and couldn't love anyone because I was too busy hating and punishing myself. Though I am in the aftermath of a difficult experience I am still in a better place and blessed.

Ps_taking suggestions for next blog topic