Healing

It took me going back and forth a lot tonight trying to decide if I could or would write about this. When I woke up this morning I expected it to be an awful day mainly because it was an eight and eights never work out well for me esp this one. I didn't know if I would be able to keep the past from breaking through and ruining my Easter with Damien. Five years ago on April 8 I was raped by a guy that I trusted...he took a lot from me and damaged me for a very long time. I completely fell apart after it happened I felt so dirty and my anorexia became way worse...the thought of anything inside me, food or fluid made me freak out and my skin crawled. I was cutting really badly and wanted to die. I was lucky that I had a great doc who put me in the hospital and tube fed me and kept me hydrated and got me back on my feet.
   Things were really bad for awhile there were police reports and hearings for protection orders. I lived in a women's shelter for a few weeks to hide from him. It haunted my dreams and during the day. I would have ptsd flashbacks and freak out. I coped by not eating...I made everything about the food and kept convincing myself I could purify myself by not eating. In the end the police did nothing and made me feel like nothing. I was left feeling broken and damaged beyond repair.
   Every year my nightmares would come back around. Every year I would spend the day obsessing and remembering. Even when I found recovery from my eating disorder this day would still send me into a tailspin. This year I thought I would seriously lose it because it happened on the same exact day and I would be back at the scene of the crime. This year when I woke up it was the farthest thing from my when I watched my son dump out his basket and smile at me with those beautiful blue eyes. We went to my aunt's house and had a great time. Damien played and laughed and we had a happy day. I realized after I put damien to bed that I made it through the day without ever thinking about that son of a bitch. I realized that what I thought he damaged beyond repair has mended over time and I am stronger for it. I no longer feel like a victum anymore nor do I feel dirty. I don't feel the need to punish myself for something he did to me. Five years ago I never thought I would make it through, I never thought I would be able to put myself together again and I did. I found recovery despite him and the rest of my past. I had a good day with my son and I didn't have urges to restrict, purge or cut I just had the urge to smile and love on my baby.
   I was reluctant to share this story mainly because I've spent years being ashamed of what happened to me, years trying to cut and starve it away, and years thinking I was so damaged no one could ever love me. I spent years believing these lies and I don't want other women to feel that. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you are sexually assaulted it wasn't your fault. I think one of the biggest steps in my recovery from my eating disorder was admitting it wasn't my fault and allowing my body nourishment was not wrong and did not make me dirty or out of control. It has taken me a long time to be able to talk about this and its not easy but I needed to share it. I spent the day laughing with my son and family and did not give that son of a bitch the satisfaction of frowning or having one single nightmare.