I'm coming up on three years of recovery from my eating disorder and some days it feels like I'm back at one. I've noticed since being back at home for a little while that some of my old demons have been trying to break through. I catch myself lowering the rate on my tube feeds and thinking about how easy it would be, but then I look at Damien and my nephew and that pretty much turns everything around. I'm sick enough and restricting isn't going to do anything but get me sicker quicker and get me back on IV nutrition. I guess one of my biggest triggers is that my parents don't understand how sick I am and they call me lazy or whatever when I can't jump up and do things. Like tonight they were poking fun that I'm like a ninety year old getting up and down off the floor when I play with Damien. On the outside I look great to them but lately I've been struggling a lot health wise. My j tube is showing signs of problems again and the surgeon said if this one failed she didn't know if there was enough healthy intestine left to get another one in. Its hard because I try to still take things in by mouth and even after explaining everything to them they don't understand that I deal with serious malabsorption and most of it gets puked back up, well I hide the vomitting because they would accuse me of my ED again. The pain has been horrible lately because what I've managed to keep down is just sitting there and making me miserable meanwhile my intestines are basically in constant pain all the time now whether feeds are running or not. I'm having a difficult time.
I use to think it was bad for me to have a hard time...it must mean I'm relapsing or I'm going to relapse, but I'm not. I'm just struggling in general with everything in life right now. I don't have Josh with me and he is the only person that knows me well enough to know how sick I've been the last week, the only one who knows the seriousness of the situation. I feel like I'm back playing that role of being fine when everyone is awake and then running off to my room and falling apart only now I'm crying from the pain of the gastroparesis not cutting and starving myself. I try to be strong I'm not ashamed of my past, I'm not ashamed of the scars on my arms or the tube in my small intestine keeping me alive, but here I pretend they don't exsist even when they see them they don't "see" them. I get so sick of being fine when I'm not even remotely fine. I've accepted how sick I am and how sick I'm going to be and I fight through the tough parts everyday without relying on my eating disorder or razor blades and it bothers me that the people who love me the most don't understand how big of a deal that is. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong to blog about all of this, to want to write a book about my experiences, but at the end of the day if I can make a difference in one person's life then it would all be worth it. I really have gotten to the point that making my paren'ts opinions don't have to rule me anymore. I am finally ok with being me and its taken me a hell of a long time to get there so I'm going to keep blogging and keep speaking out because that's what feels right to me. I love my family and I know they love me we just have a different way of expressing things and I understand that now. I don't blame people for the past because its the past and I only tell about it to share my experiences, I don't carry it with me anymore letting it destroy me from the inside out.
I am so proud of you! It's helpful for me to see where I may be 2 more years down the line. I love hearing you say you are ok with being you. I think you are so brave to be blogging about your experiences and reaching out and being so unashamedly honest. I think Damien has helped transform your goals in life in a good way. You no longer let the eating disorder control you. You still have thoughts, and may een act on a few occasionally, but you go back to doing the next right thing.
ReplyDeleteKeep the posts coming!
--Danielle