Tomorrow I will go in for another surgery but this time I won't wake up with another tube or central line but I will wake up unable to have anymore babies. I feel like I'm losing a huge piece of my heart...it was a miracle that I have my son and he is the best thing I've ever done and being a mommy is the one thing I feel like I was truly meant to be. I always thought we would have more little ones, maybe a little girl, a little sister or brother for Damien. They say another pregnancy will kill me and most likely the baby and asked me what that would be like for Damien to lose his mommy and Josh to lose his future wife. I know I have to let them do it because I want to see my son grow up but I'm angry and grieving. Because of my anorexia, because of years of destroying myself I caused a stomach disease called gastroparesis to become so severe that my stomach and intestines don't work and have been cut on so many times that when you look at an x ray nothing is where it is suppose to be. Because of this I live in a state of constant malnutrition and I have to be fed through a tube in my small intestine or a central line. Because of my mistakes and the way I treated my body I will never be a mommy again, I will never be able to hold another baby and watch them grow. I love my son with every fiber of my being and the day I held him I knew I wanted more...I wanted another baby with josh. I feel like a failure...I feel like less of a woman. I hate that monster that took me over and destroyed my body...I hate my body for not working and I hate me for allowing it to happen. I am sure some people think I'm being dramatic but when you have screwed up and disappointed everyone in your life and the one thing you've been good at and love will never happen again. I feel like I'm robbing damien of a future playmate. I am devoted to my son, to being his mommy and I know this is what is best for my family but I am heartbroken and hurting. I have to let them wheel me away to surgery and cut me up not because of my GP for once not because its a medical emergency but because they tell me another baby would use me up like a parasite and there would be nothing left. I feel alone...I feel like a failure. This hurts more than anything I could have expected...I've been under the knife and woken up with pieces missing before but this is something completely different its not my stomach they are taking. I just thought I would share what this feels like and another reason anorexia takes from you.
I cried when I read this, but I want you to know you are most certainly NOT a failure. The mommy you've been to your beautiful son, is the type of mom the world needs more of. All of this in spite of the horrific trials and struggles you deal with on a constant basis. Most moms aren't half the mom you are when they have nothing else going on in their lives! Remember, anorexia and bulimia are diseases too. I've been there, and it's often as uncontrollable as any other disorder, except we can't talk openly about it, and often don't forgive ourselves for it. I love you, and I hope to God you love yourself too, and see your soul the way the rest of us do: a truly remarkable, strong, compassionate woman, a loving and supportive mom, and a genuine friend.
ReplyDelete-Erika
Andrea, my heart breaks for you. I just want to be close to you so you can share your burden with me, so we can just sit and you can vent and I will listen until you have no more words left. My hope for you is that you can be more compassionate to yourself. It makes me sad that your self loathing is so scathing. I just want to take it all away for you. But this is your journey, and the battle will be much less grueling once you learn show compassion toward yourself. You are so precious. Keep writing and keep fighting.
ReplyDelete-Danielle
Thank you so much Erika and Danielle...its so great to have such supportive friends. I've struggled with the complications of yesterdays surgery and I'm angry they had to remove one of my fallopian tubes but I'm moving on now and focusing on getting healthy so I can take lil man to the park and swing him around. Having the two of you as friends really brightens times like these. I will keeping fighting and keep blogging openly about anorexia, bulimia, self harm and gastroparesis. I won't be silenced anymore I will use my struggles to hopefully spread awareness and save other people from similar fates.
ReplyDelete