I've never lied about my childhood, I've always been honest with everyone on here because I feel being open is one of the only ways we can help those who are feeling lost and alone feeling they have no where to turn besides an eating disorder, razor blade, drugs, or anything else so they can forget their pain. I can't even remember the first time I broke my skin open intentionally or decided to throw that half cheeseburger away rather than eat it. All I know is before long it became something that controlled me, the only way I could get what was constantly being screamed into my head. I had to smile, I had to be perfect, and I couldn't let anyone know what was going on because it wasn't allowed. I was the one who my parents talked to, they bad mouthed each other, talked about money issues, and so on. I took on the problems of adults as a kid, I didn't get in trouble, I didn't sneak out, do drugs, or have sex...I stopped eating and started cutting myself.
I had no self worth, I couldn't see what everyone else saw because when I looked at myself, at my wall of awards I only saw what I wasn't. I wasn't thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough...I wasn't enough. When my secrets came out it was looked at some cry for help that I would get over, a phase, a phase that lasted until I was twenty three years old and still rages inside of me everyday wanting to get out. A phase that is contributing to the fact that the doctors never make promises of another year, each blood infection is another mortal danger, each surgery, every time my kidneys start to turn against me again I am reminded of my mortality. This body I've abused and been abused has been through too much and though I am terrified of dying those voices still exist screaming, "YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH"!
I have never been one of those people who could say they were recovered because I'm not and never will be, you don't go into the black hole as far as I did without some lasting damage. The darkness is still there, the screaming, wanting to give in, and the only thing that keeps me on track is learning to stop and breathe before I take action. I go and lay next to my Firefly or watch him play and I know that it isn't an option, he is already going to spend a big portion of his life wondering who is mommy was as a person and I hope that people let him read this so he can know how much I loved him and I am sure that wherever you go when you die I will be loving him even more there and watching constantly.
The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life and not too many people outside of my inner circle know what is going on. I have felt fear, anger, sadness, regret, more anger, more sadness, and here I am a mess. Firefly keeps me focused because I know me well enough to know that no matter how many wonderful people I had around me in the past before him I would have still fallen over the edge and watched as everything just rushed away. Not gonna lie, feeling is not one of my favorite things, emotion seems too much sometimes, but I have done it. I have friends that tolerate my slips back into a bad situation and are there when I need them to pull me off the floor and let me cry and know that this will be okay. Four years is not undone in fourteen days, it will take time...I really, really hate that statement though. Things are very different now, there is no falling over the edge and hanging there for awhile until you can finally stand up, with Firefly needing me there is no option of falling, there is simply standing no matter how hard it gets and when there are cracks and you stumble you have to reach out your hand immediately or down it all goes...recovery that has been an uphill battle for four years all down and back at the bottom of a cliff that nearly ended me the first time around.
I've been a mess many times before, but this time I am not trying to fix it with things that only make things worse. I am a mess and I haven't hidden it from anyone because I know that it is okay to not be okay right now as long as I'm not okay and allowing old behaviors in. I have been honest about the kind of support I need and for some reason I am lucky enough to have people who care enough to stick around esp the one who is stuck with me all the time which I guess isn't always bad because I have smiled, laughed, and been okay more and more, but there are times when my head gets in the way, usually after Firefly is asleep and my brain is going like crazy and just someone there to ask what is going on provides an outlet even when everything comes out crazy and rambling. I know how much of a pain in the ass it is to reassure someone all the time that this is right, I've done it and I can now understand first hand in this situation.
I'm not sure how long it takes to come back, how long before I won't constantly second guess myself about everything I do, wondering if I'm doing because I want to do it or because I've been trained to react that way. I'm slowing standing up for myself to more than just one person, I'm not something that anyone has the right to put down, I don't need your criticism, judgment, or any kind of negativity because I can do that all on my own...BELIEVE THAT ONE! I do know that eventually it will get easier, everything does, the fractures won't go away, I will always remember, but that doesn't have to dictate every moment of everyday. I've been broken plenty of times before and it isn't always pretty when you glue it back together, but all that matters is that it holds and I will hold strong for my Firefly until this disease takes me kicking and screaming.
Not sure who this really helps, probably just me needing to get some stuff out. If you are feeling like this, when your head is screaming horrible things at you, when people are screaming horrible things at you, listen closely because they are lying. People will always try to pull you down and we all carry our own damage, but, a friend reminded me the other day that words only have power if you give them power. At the end of the day you have to know who you are and know that you are a person who deserves to be treated with respect from not only others, but also yourself. Don't let other people make you their puppets because you are better than that.
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