Drowning

      I feel like I'm drowning, every time I manage to find the surface for a breath of air another bucket of water is added and I'm under in the darkness again fighting for the ever distancing surface. I find myself full of panic, kicking, and trying to scream. Maybe the darkness is hiding me and I will continue the struggle without ever reaching that fresh air, finally breathing easily again.
     The screaming is getting harder and harder to ignore, pushing through all of my defenses. I've taken extra precautions to avoid relapse...not that I could get any sicker from lack of food. The battle continues to haunt  my dreams, there is rarely a moment's peace unless my Firefly lets me cuddle up with him and watch a movie and he hasn't been to cuddly lately. I feel like I'm being torn apart, as I fall deeper into the darkness the pressure gets so intense I beg for it to end and then there is more water. I'm drowning and there seems to be no way out, I'm left to wonder if I just open and swallow all the water things will finally quiet in my head, can the hurting stop? I know that is a bad idea because the Firefly still loves me and needs me...I have to find a way out of this. 
     I need a break, getting bad news everyday on top of the usual things that are dealt with everyday is wearing me down. My body is already in trouble and all of this is just taxing it more and more. At this rate I don't think I will see 2014 and I'm being honest. I know how weak I am and I know what I look like in the mirror. I'm scared and the person who usually gets me through it isn't here because he lost control. I have everyone telling me leaving is the right thing, he can't change, but June never left Johnny and he did change. I am a realist, I'm twenty seven with a two year and tubes and lines hanging out of her body...not exactly on the list for a new person to fall for. 
     What right do I have to give up, where would I  be if he had given up on me? Yes, I have friends and I'm super blessed for how great they have been through all of this, but there will come a time when they are gone and it is me and Firefly. I'm sick, I've been handed my death sentence and I don't want to face it alone and I don't want to lose my baby as I get sicker and I know that is what would happen despite I take better care of my son than some perfectly healthy mothers do. Everyone gave up on my mom and she died alone in a hospital bed with no one there holding her hand helping her, letting her know that she was loved and forgiven for the things that had happened. The last mental image I have of her on this Earth is laying in an ICU bed, tied down on every machine imaginable, bloated, and not my mom. The last thing I said to her was I love you mommy and I ate dinner for you, as if her anorexic daughter eating dinner was some great news to hear as she lay there dying. Never saw her after that, the funeral was closed casket because the bloating couldn't be brought down and she looked really bad and not like the mom we wanted to remember. People came and paid respects telling me how great my mom was and then I would hear them whispering about her drinking and killing herself, she is remember for her addiction and death more than the things that she did accomplish in her life.
     Maybe I am selfish and stupid, but I'm also really, really scared. My family doesn't understand me nor do we talk which isn't just on them. The parents I have left don't understand the words "I'm dying", I've spent hours trying to explain how sick I am and they don't get it. My next line infection could be my last and I'm not naive enough to say it won't be. They told me it was a miracle I survived the last one esp with going to the ICU. I have a feeding tube sitting on a nerve in my three percent of a tummy, the stoma site  is pouring everything out rather than venting, I have a frigging hole in my stomach that drains blood and bile all day until they can surgically close it off which can't be done until my labs seem more stable, and then the hickman line and we all know "it isn't if it gets infected rather when it does". To be honest, I can't handle the constant criticism they throw all the time on top of everything else...THE FUCKING TANK IS FULL NO ROOM FOR ANYMORE WATER!!!!!! 
      I am the best mommy I can be to Firefly and anyone who knows us knows that he is one of the happiest lil guys in the world. I do everything I can to avoid hospital admissions even when they are critically needed, I left AMA with sepsis because of all the heat that was coming down on me from every direction. If they want to live in lala land and think they know things when they don't then fine, but I'm dying either way. This body has been pushed to the limits more times than it should have in a lifetime and managed to come  back, well the bouncing back isn't so much happening anymore, it takes months to recover from easy surgeries that would use to take a week. How much more can I expect it to keep going...my GI organs are completely shot, my heart has damage, my kidneys have taken a hit, liver is starting to show issues, and I'm constantly ending up with infections? I don't want to be her, I don't want to die alone in a hospital bed, I don't want whispers at my funeral, and I want to be remembered for being more than just damaged...I was beaten, bloodied, cursed, anorexic, bulimic, a cutter, raped, tried to end my own life and nearly succeeded, I was shattered, but I put myself back together. I have cracks that will always be there, but I shouldn't be remembered for the cracks, I should be remembered for putting the pieces back together, for holding my ground when they said Firefly would kill me, I want to be remember as a mommy who did everything she could to give her lil man the best life he could have, who fought the screaming that tried to take her down...I survived and I did despite losing almost everything, being homeless, living in a women's shelter I will not leave this world feeling ashamed.
     I've learned that God doesn't change you, He never leaves you, but in the end only you  can put things together. I have faith, that doesn't change the fears. I know that I will go alone, but I want my hand being held. Like I said...selfish. I need a breath, I need the tank to shatter and let me be free. I won't give up on myself or who I love because I wouldn't even be here to type this if I hadn't had someone stumble into my life when they did. It is easy to let someone go, but a lot harder to help them find their way. No one helped her and she died alone remember as a drunk...people deserve better. I know what it feels like to feel completely alone in a room full of friends and I also know that my story is by far not the most horrible thing that some have endured it is simply my story, my pain, and I can't judge another's. I have spent a lot of time screaming at God, begging for answers, and asking what I did wrong. The answer is simply life is messy and things happen sometimes and you can't control them and God's job is not to fix you, but to let you know that when you feel alone in that room He is still holding you up. I haven't succumbed to their life expectancy predictions because I know I still have fight in me for Firefly, but I feel the signals my body sends to me and I know that something isn't right. I don't know how, but I will find the surface of this crushing ocean...I am not broken nor am I worthless despite what others think. I'm still here, still breathing, not bleeding, and raising a beautiful young Firefly. I'm done letting people add more water and no matter how much it hurts I will not let the pressure break me. I will find the surface.