Recovered is a word that you will never hear pass through my lips, unlike some I don't believe that you fully recover from your demons and spend your whole life learning more and more about recovering, which doesn't always make for an easier road to travel. I have people who look up to me and call me brave for fighting all of this, but I'm not brave and there are times when I still find my weakness. Recovery in my opinion means that you are brave enough to face the challenges of each day and stand up when you fall.
I have been ashamed about what happened that last few months that I have decided not to write about until now. I came dangerously close to losing everything I love because of a predator that I didn't know existed. I thought he was my friend and before I knew it he was having my, now husband arrested, stealing all of my money, holding me and my son hostage under blackmail, and playing hopscotch in my brain. He was worse than a rapist, when I was raped once it was done he left and didn't come back, which this guy just refused to leave. He followed me every time I tried to go the other way or reach out for a friend's opinion he was right there. He actually locked me out of my facebook an destroyed my fave pink laptop, I was blessed to get this new beauty I have now. If it weren't for some very good friends stepping in I don't know what would have happened.
Each day that passes things get a little bit easier, the night terrors have gone from every time I shut my eyes to once or twice a week. I've been scared and not wanting to be touched, but for the most part Josh has been understanding. My mind took most of the hit, anyone's would after dealing with all the things that stupid puppet master put in my head, but with support we are getting through, but I was so happy to become Mrs. Josh Taylor within two weeks of us getting back together. I'm lucky to have him stand beside me and see me through the tough moments.
Now, to my opinion on recovery, it is not never falling flat on your face, it is simply about getting up and pushing forward. I lapsed recently by giving into an edge. For a short few minutes I felt nothing and then I felt the immediate guilt and realized that bleeding doesn't solve anything. I was almost ashamed to admit to everyone that I slipped back in my recovery, that four years of being perfectly free from it I feel backwards when I was alone and upset. It was after the car accident, after the mean txt message from my step mom, a cranky Josh, and a lot of other crap that had been building for so long. I'm twenty seven years old and I'm facing a death sentence and though I seem to be braving it and not giving up it scares the hell out of me...leaving my husband, my son never knowing his mommy, and honestly, terrified that the faith I've held for so long in my God and Jesus could be wrong (go ahead and judge me, but tell me how you feel when you are facing death without a miracle. I picked up that edge and I tried to bleed all of this worry and pain out, and it didn't work. I threw the edge away and cleaned up my mistake and then woke up and stood on my feet again, getting the support I needed to stay on my path of recovery.
I wrote this mainly to all of you in the same situation, you are struggling for your recovery, but you just can't help but fall down and make mistakes. You shouldn't let anyone judge you for falling, and you shouldn't judge yourself. Falling doesn't by any means make you a failure, you only fail if you don't get up and fight another day. A quote that I heard from a girl on the eating disorder statement has always stuck with me, "I made a mistake, I'm not a mistake". Don't let anyone make you feel worthless or a failure because you fell down one time after standing on your feet for so long. The point of recovery is to keep pushing and climbing, you aren't going to be perfect, which is just fine no matter what someone says. Perfection is an absolute impossibility and we have got to stop striving for it. . Please don't let your parents, friends, or anyone drag you down and make you feel like you are beneath them, lapse or not you are just as good as them. Worthless and pathetic are words we should remove from our vocabulary because everyone has the potential for greatness, turn a mistake into a learning experience.
I could have lied and said that I hadn't had any troubles, but I have told my readers from the beginning that this is me being raw and honest. The last few months have been hard on me and I made a mistake. My husband has gone out of his way to be supportive and we have dealt with way worse. I refuse to hold my head in shame right now, I am back on my road to recovery and I managed to pull back up out of the darkness that comes with a lapse. I took a step back and found my way back on the trail and I am hoping that this shows you that you are capable of it too no matter what your lapse is if it is with cutting, restricting, purging, drinking, using, taking laxatives, etc you have the ability to get back up and keep recovering because you deserve it. Please keep fighting.
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