Since finding recovery and doing it without treatment, which is obviously not for every one, but I had spent most of of my late teens and early twenties in and out of the hospital being force fed. None of those those hospitals worked because I wasn't willing to change my paradigm, I wan't going to stop no matter what they thought they could force me to do. So, for years I went about killing myself while blaming insurance for no coverage for a decent treatment center.The only person that needed the blame was me. Yes, I was sick, very sick at the time and couldn't let my anorexia and bulimia go, so it was my fault for not taking the help while I could. Treatment is a gift that some will never be able to achieve. The only thing I had going for me was a great doctor who made sure to safe me from myself on many occasions by force feeding me with a tube down my nose because I needed it. He would come to the hospital everyday and check on me and his other patients often sitting down and just talking with me helped me through the hard stuff.
     When he moved to Florida I thought my whole live was devastated because I couldn't trust any other doctor to take care of me besides him.Just before he left he had discovered the gastroparesis and immediately put me on Vivonex in the hospital. I remember seeing my new doc and knowing that I could never trust them like I did my old doctor. They the surgery came where they took all but three percent of my stomach and put another J tube in and still ED had a hold on me. Purging became my only solace which meant more and more trips to the ER for dehydration. Mind you I wasn't severely underweight at that t time  but I sure woke up in the intensive care unit. And, even then i refused tube feeds being hooked up...They weren't going to control me...I controlled me....LIES!
     The thing about having an eating disorder is that all year hear are the lies screaming in your ears, how if only I reached my goal wt I just might be good enough. I did this for months before I met Josh and he noticed I wasn't okay. He helped me take baby steps for eating, mind you there were some knock down drag out fights about this. But little by little i began that slow climb to recovery. I didn't have money for treatment and I was deemed too sick anyway so I had do to it alone. Scales were bashed, diet pills tossed, laxatives gone, and all of my lowest wt clothes. It was difficult and reminded me of the night me and my best friend Mark burned all my anorexic contraband, he said Elle burned green because it is evil : )
       I don''t know how many times I can say it but eating disorders are not about weight and going to a treatment center does not give you a guarantee recovery, that falls on you. And, waiting until you reach critical weight makes recovery that much harder, I know this for certain. Everyone thinks that it is okay, they have it under control, but before you know all you are is a walking talking ED. The only conversations you know how to have are about food and body image. The person you use to be isn't even there anymore, you are an empty shell. It isn't worth it because before you know it, the person you use to be is locked deep in your mind while the demons (anorexia, bulimia and self harm) are screaming at the forefront of your mind and it can seem no matter ho'w  hard you try you cannot  escape and I promise that you can.
     There is nothing easy about recovery, you will want to give up, but it will save your life and give you happiness you never thought possible. And, if you don't have the money for treatment then start on your own, find an accountability partner or a cheap therapist who works on a sliding scale. To quote Confucius, It is not about never falling, but having the courage to g