It is here staring at me, daring me to just give in, who would have to know? Everyone could go on thinking that I still have it all together when in reality I have so many secrets tearing me apart I want to disappear most days. I wish I could say that I had some strong thing inside of me that is stopping me from picking up that blade and pushing into my pale flesh, but it is simply my son, I swore to him that day he was born that I had enough scars to explain to him let alone adding new ones. I'm just so tired of carrying all of this alone, everything is always on me and there is no relief I just keep this stupid fucking smile on my face like it is all ok when nothing is ok, absolutely nothing. I have organs that are basically non functional and one blood infection away from leaving my child without a mother, and I can't go into the other things that are eating away at me.
Who exactly do I have to depend on but myself, friends promise to be there, but they never are. I am, I don't know what I am anymore. My skin is screaming for this razor, screaming for me to end this torment, but I know that the torment will only come back and the razor will only want more and more that I cannot give. Knowing breaking my pale flesh is not an option doesn't stop the itch, I itch like you would not believe, I can see the whole scenario in my head and that wonderful numbness overcoming me, but I know that it is a lie, they are always lie. I don't know how many people I have ever truly trusted with my whole truths, I carry secrets because I know that some would think they need to be screamed from mountain tops when I am doing my best to keep them under control.
I'm terrified right now and feel more alone than ever even with people who say I'm not alone. I'm scared of the medical stuff that is going on with me on top of a lot of other things that are going on that I just can't seem to escape. I keep saying I have it under control, I'm juggling all of these razors in the air and I just can't handle dropping just one because if one falls everything falls and all that is left is shattered. I wonder if I will have a happy ended and at this point I think my happy ending is my son, it is no longer about me, it is about him and now that I have been here and continue to be there for him as long as possible. I don't think I will live to see him grow and I won't get into a religious debate with anyone about anything, but I know that Damien is carrying me on and that is okay for me to understand right now and ease my fear at this moment.
Everyone looks at this fucking smile and thinks that everything is fine, but why can no one see behind the lies in my eyes. They are empty, I am empty besides the love I have for my son. The only reason that I fight with the doctors and go through all of this stuff is for a little boy who deserves to have a mommy as long as possible. Everyone thinks things are great, but they don't live in my head and they don't live behind these closed doors, it is amazing the things that fucking smile can hide mainly because no one wants to believe the truth. We love to tell the success stories, the story that I'm in some grand recovery where I never falter, where I never slip, or think of going back to my old ways. That isn't reality...the truth is my demons are still in there day and night I am the one fighting them back keeping that fucking smile so you all think everything is under control and I never once question my resolve to win this war.
To be right now I am fighting for my bravery because most days I want to disappear and pretend that this isn't happening to me because this isn't what I was suppose to be or do, yet here I am facing it everyday, everyday knowing I'm one line infection away form dying. I know how fragile my life is, I understand all of it and I don't need to be reminded like I so often am how sick I am and how I could die...I'm well aware of that possibility. I wasn't suppose to be anorexic or a cutter and allow that to ruin my life and yet here I am. And, now here I am suffering from a disease that is difficult enough without dipshit docs and insurance companies wanting to deny everything. I won the battle today, but what happens when I don't win the battle, what happens if I lose the war? I know that really isn't a possibility with my son because he needs me, but sometimes I just want to run away...not from him, but from this horrible existence I've created for him. I won't run, I will continue the battle even on days like today when I just don't want to anymore, when I want someone to tell me to turn that fucking smile off and it is okay to cry and talk about what is going on, talk about those awful things in my past and it be okay, but for today I will be brave.
I'm terrified right now and feel more alone than ever even with people who say I'm not alone. I'm scared of the medical stuff that is going on with me on top of a lot of other things that are going on that I just can't seem to escape. I keep saying I have it under control, I'm juggling all of these razors in the air and I just can't handle dropping just one because if one falls everything falls and all that is left is shattered. I wonder if I will have a happy ended and at this point I think my happy ending is my son, it is no longer about me, it is about him and now that I have been here and continue to be there for him as long as possible. I don't think I will live to see him grow and I won't get into a religious debate with anyone about anything, but I know that Damien is carrying me on and that is okay for me to understand right now and ease my fear at this moment.
Everyone looks at this fucking smile and thinks that everything is fine, but why can no one see behind the lies in my eyes. They are empty, I am empty besides the love I have for my son. The only reason that I fight with the doctors and go through all of this stuff is for a little boy who deserves to have a mommy as long as possible. Everyone thinks things are great, but they don't live in my head and they don't live behind these closed doors, it is amazing the things that fucking smile can hide mainly because no one wants to believe the truth. We love to tell the success stories, the story that I'm in some grand recovery where I never falter, where I never slip, or think of going back to my old ways. That isn't reality...the truth is my demons are still in there day and night I am the one fighting them back keeping that fucking smile so you all think everything is under control and I never once question my resolve to win this war.
To be right now I am fighting for my bravery because most days I want to disappear and pretend that this isn't happening to me because this isn't what I was suppose to be or do, yet here I am facing it everyday, everyday knowing I'm one line infection away form dying. I know how fragile my life is, I understand all of it and I don't need to be reminded like I so often am how sick I am and how I could die...I'm well aware of that possibility. I wasn't suppose to be anorexic or a cutter and allow that to ruin my life and yet here I am. And, now here I am suffering from a disease that is difficult enough without dipshit docs and insurance companies wanting to deny everything. I won the battle today, but what happens when I don't win the battle, what happens if I lose the war? I know that really isn't a possibility with my son because he needs me, but sometimes I just want to run away...not from him, but from this horrible existence I've created for him. I won't run, I will continue the battle even on days like today when I just don't want to anymore, when I want someone to tell me to turn that fucking smile off and it is okay to cry and talk about what is going on, talk about those awful things in my past and it be okay, but for today I will be brave.
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