the girl

     It has been four years, the girl is suppose to be fine, she is suppose to have it all together, suppose to be that shining example to those around her, but what if it is all just a game of smiles with the darkness still inside. She is grateful for what she has, how far she has come, but she knows it still lives inside her waiting for a weak moment to get out. Those old demons' whispers have managed to get louder and she pushes with all her might to put them back where they belong. It is a life she can't go back to and yet part of her wants it for some reason. She wants the routine, the focus on everything but real feelings, and being back in control or at least having that old illusion of control she had over her body, her pain. 
    The girl feels trapped in this body that has rebelled against her, the doctors don't understand, everyday is more pain and more unknowns. Most days she opens her eyes and has to force herself out of bed because it is just more of the same thing. She plasters on a smile and a positive attitude hoping maybe she can fake it enough to eventually make it, but behind the smiles there is the uncertainty, the glass is cracking, and the fight is getting harder and harder. Why keep fighting a losing battle, why not give the docs what they want? 
     The girl lives with her secrets, her shame, her failures, and smiles the rest of the time pretending she has it all together. They all think the demons just go away, but they don't. She hears them all the time...the nightmares are back. Four years and a paradigm shift she is suppose to have it all under control, she is suppose to be the one setting an example not asking for support. Some days she wonders if it will be like it was with her mom and if it is the case would it not be better for her to disappear before she has a chance to ruin the few people who love her and look up to her? 
     She is still on that road that she thought she left behind years ago, and is beginning to believe that you never truly leave that road behind. It is a matter of choice, she can go left or right, God isn't going to make the choice for her, He has given her free will for a reason. Just like the girl everyone has a choice and I believe in God and miracles, but I also believe the only person that is going to help you is you. For today the girl is still fighting, she is stumbling, battered and bruised but she is still fighting. She continues to hide behind the smiles and the fight to protect everyone around her, that is all she has ever wanted was to make everyone happy. The professionals doubt her, the talk about the number on the scale, and they don't understand that the more they talk the more power they give the whisper and the louder it gets and once the screaming starts the girl can't be sure she won't lose the battle.