As my health has gotten worse I've found myself reflecting a lot on the past the good, the bad, and the ugly. I couldn't say what was going on at home, I just wanted to be perfect and make her proud and in the process I managed to destroy myself. In the process of ruining myself I ruined others and lost people who I truly cared about and I believe cared about me as much as they could, as long as they could. I couldn't let go of my anorexia, I couldn't stop cutting, and I couldn't explain why. Everyone yelled and pleaded for me to "just eat" and I wanted so badly to make them happy, but I couldn't do the one thing they asked of me. I kept pushing people away, the more they tried to help they harder I pushed.
People ask me if I have regrets and the answer is yes and no. I regret the friendships and family relationships I lost. People who meant the world to me won't even answer a facebook message from me and it is no one's fault but mine. I was a puppet and did whatever my anorexia told me to do, convinced myself that drinking fluid would make me fat or out of control. Every week Dr. R tried so hard to breakthrough to me, he knew Andrea was in there somewhere, but it was like every time we got close the anorexia screamed louder. I wish I could mend those friendships my anorexia tore apart and make them understand that I am truly grateful for everything they did for me as long as they could. They had no choice but to leave me to my disease because they had their own lives to live. I wish my family still respected me, but after the things I said and did I can't blame them for their feelings towards me. I regret that I watched my mom lay in the ICU dying and the only thing I could say was I loved her and I hate dinner, I was so selfish I couldn't even tell her I forgave her which I have. I've ruined a lot of good things because my eating disorder...I starved, purged and bled to deal instead of talking and spewed venom and lies at anyone who tried to help me.
I do not, however regret the lessons I've learned from all of this. I've learned that family is something that you don't get to pick, but they are also the ones who keep coming back no matter how many times you burn them. I do not regret my struggle from the bottom back to the top because now I know I am survivor and that my story can help someone before they have to hit the bottom. I also will never regret this road because I have been blessed with the most beautiful little boy I could have ever asked for. I have failed in almost everything in my life except at being is mommy and at this point that seems to be all that matters.
I've spent a lot of time lately focusing on letting go and forgiving. I was so angry with my mom for so long because of what she did and said to me, but she did the best she could while dealing with an addiction she just couldn't kick. I still get angry that she isn't here at the hospital with me holding my hand telling me that everything is going to be okay or that she is holding her beautiful grandson. She wasn't strong enough to survive her addiction and that wasn't my fault or even hers, not everyone can make it back up the mountain. I was angry with my dad for leaving me there and starting a new family while I was just trying to survive, but I never told him about the bruises or the things she would say because she was my mommy and she loved me so much when she was sober, it was just those times were few and far between. I felt like my dad abandoned me, I felt so many things back then and I just couldn't tell anyone so I starved and I bled because I thought I could keep the smile and keep everything perfect and under control. ..obviously it didn't work. When it comes to forgiveness there is one person I have yet to forgive and I don't know if I can after what he took from me. I pray about it, but I just don't know.
I've learned lately that a long life is not a promise, tomorrow isn't a promise, and if the doctors are right it is going to take some serious treatments and procedures to keep me alive another five years. They tell me every infection I get I might not come back from it. With that last hospitalization with my kidneys failing the doc told me it will be a miracle if I live past thirty and that was lucky. It seems so easy for them to stamp an expiration date on me, but I won't take it because I have faith in God and only He knows when I will be gone. I've learned the rewards of not living for just for myself. With whatever time I have left in this world whether it be two days or twenty years I am devoted to helping others who have to deal with the same struggles that I have dealt with, to show them that there is hope and no matter when life seems like it is over and the darkness is all around the sun will come up again and each day is a new start.
I think I learn new things in recovery everyday, I think I am tested and tried, and I think that by the grace of God I am a survivor and keep fighting. I've seen hell and after seeing heaven in my little boy's blue eyes going back just isn't an option ever again. I will never declare myself recovered, I know people believe in full recovery, but I believe it is a battle. I went to the edge as far as I could and it has taken every ounce of strength to come back. She will always be whispering in my ear trying to bring me back and deceive me and I can't turn my back to it. I won't shut up about it because if I help one person in this world then it is all worth it. The past is that past, people say to forget it when that is pretty much impossible...you overcome it, you survive what seems to be unsurvivable. It is okay to have regrets because everyone does, but don't let them rule you. We don't know how much time we have on this planet so each day we have to start over with that clean slate and go from there.
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