My mom spent years drilling into my head that people can't change, she would say they would lie to get what they want, but at the end of the day people don't change. For years I believed that, I believed that she couldn't quit drinking because it was part of her and like she always reminded me "people don't change". She didn't change no matter how many bruises she left, the venom she spewed from her mouth, or that fact that she had two daughter she was leading. Her belief that she couldn't change is the reason that I had to hold my five year old sister as we watched them put our mother in the ground. She has missed so many things, she never saw Kelly graduate kindergarten, she never saw me recover, and she never got to hold her grandson. She left us without a mom to turn to all because people don't change.
I spent years believing that fact, I kept cutting, restricting, and purging because it was who I was and people don't change. I couldn't hold a normal friendship, in fact I only have a handful of friends left from years ago. Selfishly I kept a tight hold on my addictions, ignoring the hurt that I was causing everyone around me, ignoring the fact that my five year old sister needed me now more than ever since we lost our mother. Nothing seemed to matter though, I was a host to a parasite. Sure I walked, talked, and even laughed sometimes, but it wasn't real because the only thing I ever truly thought about was my calorie count, how many mls of water I had taken in, or how I had to find a way to cut to stop all of these overwhelming feelings. So many people tried to help me, the threw everything they could into to me until they had nothing left to give and had to step away and I can't blame them for that in the slightest. My brain was full of lies that I couldn't see past.
I can't say exactly when things started to change, I met the man who will be my husband and no matter how hard I pushed he didn't run the other way. The thing is though, no one can make you change it comes from within, it comes from you realizing you are more than some disease or addiction. I had to come to terms with a lot of things and there are still boxes left unopened on my shelf. I'm angry that my mom couldn't see past the lie and realize that change was possible, I can forgive her for the bruises, the hateful words all caused by a bottle, but forgiving her for leaving me and Kelly behind is taking more time than I thought possible.
It is no secret that I lost it when my mom died, I fell into my eating disorder, was constantly needing to be stitched up for cuts, on so many meds there are periods of time I no longer remember, and being involved with a loser who spent all of my money on drugs. I gave up on life, I couldn't keep up with it anymore, the pain was so great I just wanted out so I pushed bottles of pills down my j tube, I was lucky a friend found me when I wouldn't pick up the phone. You would have thought that would have been rock bottom, no so much. I walked into the psych emergency room and told them I was going to kill myself and they sent me home because I wasn't medically stable enough to be there. The next morning I woke up in the intensive care unit...still not rock bottom. People don't change so I just kept refusing to run tube feeds and slicing the crap out of myself everyday. I was gone, I wasn't Andrea, she was no where to be found.
It wasn't long after all of that I met Josh, we were just friends immediately. there was some kind of spark between us. If I believed in love at first sight I would say that is what we had. It is a running joke that we are modern day Johnny and June because no matter what get thrown at us we see each other through it. We walk the line together and when one falls we pull them back. It was July fourth 2009 when he kicked in the door to find me staring off into space with a gash in my arm that took six stitches to close. That was the last time a razor has touched my flesh for the purpose of harm. It has been hell and some days my skin tingles begging for me to just give in, whispering it is my nature. The same with my eating disorder, I've heard her whispers lately telling me that I can be in control again, I can feel better the pain, the stress of being sick all of it could just disappear if I just let her back in. It would be easy to give in, I've got a cop out...If the docs are right I'm not going to live another five years, why not go down as the real me? Anyone notice the lie there...that wasn't the real me anymore than that woman with the bottle was my real mom.
Change is very possible and it is sad that my mom couldn't see that truth because she might still be here now, how i wish she was here now. People overcome addictions everyday, it isn't easy and there are never guarantees you won't have to pick up your armor and battle again, but you can win and you can survive. I no longer have the time I thought I would always have. We all think that, we all think we have time....tomorrow we will change, we will do better, be a better father, mother, son, daughter, friend whatever, but sometimes tomorrow isn't going to be there. I lost ten years of my life to my eating disorder and depression...TEN YEARS! I have no college degree, I gave up a career in music, and I've lost a lot of people who really did mean a lot to me. I spend most of my time in hospital beds or doctor's appointments while they come up with more painful tests and procedures to extend things. My kidney numbers are still in renal failure, my heart is not holding up like it use to, and through all of this I'm still grateful. I am blessed to have what I have. I wake up every morning to the most beautiful blue eyed miracle anyone could ever ask for and I praise God for everyday he gives me with him. I might have this body that is fragile and has already been stamped with an end date, but you know what I'm Andrea again, I am no longer a host to some parasite. Sometimes I think this is the first time in my twenty seven years that I have truly been me. My demons will always haunt me, but I've hit that bottom hard and I know what it takes to climb back out and the consequences that come with it.
To those of you still trapped deep inside your addictions, your darkness...you are not alone and you can break free. Change is possible despite what anyone has every told you, it just take work and it will be the hardest work you've ever had to do. You take it one day at a time and if that is too much one hour, one minute, or even one second. You will fall, but that doesn't mean you stay down. You can be a victim or a survivor and a survivor begins the climb back up after they have fallen while a victim sits there and waits for someone to come and rescue them. I promise you...all those people who are trying to help you will eventually reach their limits because we all have them. You have to be the change you want to be, trust me I am well aware of how cliche that is. I pray and even yell at God some days, I ask why He kept me alive only to get better and be told my weakened body won't grow old. My faith comforts me, for some that isn't the case (by the way God isn't going to fix you, He gave you free will to fix yourself or not). Unfortunately, no one can fight these battles for you whatever they maybe. We all have our own tragedies, our own cross to bear. People can change, they just have to want it, they have to be willing to claw their way out of the pit and be prepared to fall back down in the mud and start all over. Having a support group is awesome, but don't expect them to fix your problems for you because at the end of the day you can be a survivor or a victim...be a survivor.
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