Tests and triggers

   These last few weeks have felt  like a test, I feel like I've wanted to break and give in to my old demons because I just want to make the fear and pain disappear. I've let being sick get in my head and that old voice has been clawing trying to convince me it could make me feel numb again. Needless to say I told that voice to take a flying leap, that doesn't mean that I still don't feel it whispering in my ear esp days when I'm so weak I have to have help walking from point A to point B. We have been on such a roller coaster with the docs and hospitals discussions of more surgery and more infections making me feel like shit. I'm blessed that I don't deal with this alone, I have family willing to help when I need and not everyone can be so blessed.
   I've found myself sitting and thinking about what is really triggering those old thoughts, that need to be numb. I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the uncertainity of everything, it scares me that I'm not incontrol of my body or my pain, my body is sick and getting sicker and there is little I can do to stop it and it is terrifying. I used my anorexia and cutting to control my body and my emotions, I know now that I wasn't controlling anything rather destroying myself into that illusion. I look at my son and my mind races to the "what ifs", I cry just thinking about being taken away from him, not being able to see him grow, not being able to let him know how much his mommy loved him and how he saved her. I truly believe he cemented my recovery, the day I saw him I vowed he would never see me as that shell I use to be starving and bleeding away to nothing. He is my reason for recovery, he is the reason I can say I will never let those demons back to the front of my mind. I was given a miracle and when God gives you a miracle you don't ask why you just say thank you.  Now, saying that I've found myself angry with God as I get sicker, sometimes praying and yelling that He can't mean for me to be taken away from the very miracle He gave me, how cruel that would be. Mind you this is me talking to God so it is usually a very bipolar conversation full of anger, sadness, joy, thankfulness, and about every other emotion you can think.
   Fear just has a way of eating at you and its hard to ignore it. I am grateful for being alive today and free from that darkness that almost ended me years ago. I sometimes think about the way things were back then I put all of my efforts into destroying myself, more than once almost succeeding. I was so lost in my head that I couldn't see a future all I saw was an escape plan and if it weren't for some miraculous friends showing up when they did I probably would have succeeded. I've been trapped in the darkness before and I understand the desperation to escape it, but I promise if you are there right now you can escape into light without hurting yourself. I spent so many years feeling trapped in the darkness, even in a group of people I felt like nothing I needed to escape, to run off and go cut or purge anything to just avoid being alone with the one person I couldn't handle...me.
   I know in my current medical situation everyone wonders how I hold it together, how I handle the bad news or bad emotions without turning to the old me. It is really simple, it triggers the hell out of me somedays to have a body that no longer does what I tell it to do, but at the end of the day my mind is free. I can smile and hug my son, I can play with him despite the pain going on with my malfunctioning organs, and I get to be a mommy. I'm aware there are no promises but I have today, just today to be just Andrea and just Damien's mommy. Maybe that isn't much for people who want to judge...I don't have a job or seemingly any positive influence on this world that I know of, but if they knew where I came from and can see me now I am a different person. I'm not a doctor but I'm a mother and was never suppose to be and I'm proud of that.
   Anorexic Andrea spent all of her time trying to be perfect, trying to make everyone else happy while slowly destroying herself from the inside out. I cared so deeply what everyone else thought of me and I wanted to be able to be fine for them. It took a long time for me to admit I wasn't fine and even longer to begin that climb out of the mud. Now I can say I am devoted to my son and devoted to helping others who are still clawing their way out of the mud and the muck. I no longer smile when I'm miserable or pretend to be ok when I'm not because I've understood that the clouds will always come back but I can make a choice to ride the storm out until the sun shines again or I can let the darkness overtake me and become empty again allowing my demons to rule me and there is no time for anyone else in your life when you let them in. Despite my fears and I promise there are a lot of them I push through and I will keep pushing through. I have survived the darkness and I will keep surviving and smiling and spending as much time with my son no matter how short it could be. I won't give up. I strongly encourage you to not give up because I promise you I hit absolute rock bottom and I came back and I promise so can you. Please never feel like you have nothing to offer because I promise you do. You are not alone, I'm here along with many others who have survived. Please don't let fear rule you...fear of the unknown, fear of recovery, fear of feeling, fear of finding that you deserve better. I believe in everyone, you can beat your demons and there is always help. I will help you if you wish just don't give up, please don't try to escape the wrong way it is not better. Please keep fighting.