Monday's events

   This post is a little different than usual. When I woke up Monday I didn't feel much different than usual, dehydrated, weak, and dizzy. We just figured it was from being unable to run fluids or tube feeds for awhile. Those are symproms I live with everyday so I really just pushed through as usual. We took Damien to my parent's house and headed to see the surgeon to discuss the j tube problems that have been going on. The doctor was so brutally honest I can't help but respect him for that. He explained the tube wasn't malfunctioning it was simply my intestines worsening at a quicker rate than we hope. He said we are pretty much out of accesses and he wouldn't risk losing maybe the one or two left in my intestine. He informed us that unless GI at Wash U has a miracle up their sleeves I'm going to need to start working with the transplant people...officially terrified.
   Needless to say I was discouraged. When we got home I put on my pjs and ended getting sick after eating a few pretzels. I knew I just needed two lay down. As I reached up to grab the movie and the next thing I know I was laying on the floor and Josh was on the phone with paramedics. Before I could totally understand what was going on there were a room full of guys surrounding me asking me questions and making sure I didn't try to get up. They were concerned about how I hit my head so I had to be strapped to a backboard with a c collar on...fun times.
   The ride to the hospital was surprisingly fast and I went out of it again in the ambulance and they were great about waking me up. They got me to the ER and my port was accessed for dilaudid and a very large dose of LRs and potassium. My EKG was abnormal with prolounged QT issues which they said was probably the result of severe malnutrition. Once they tanked me up and and got my vitals and labs under control they let me leave.
   My fear has kicked in completely. For the first time ever he was honest and said surgically we had no options besides transplant after spending tons of time looking over my CT. I'm terrified of transplant....I was suppose to have a few more years. Now with them wanting to being TPN back and my already countless line infections I will get listed soon. I worry about Josh and Damien...I know my parents will take him whenever I need help but still. I'm the mommy and I'm suppose to be here.
   I'm sharing this with you because like I've said secrets will not help anyone and if my history can help someone then I'm going to be as brutally honest as can be. If you ever have a topic you want covered or just questions feel free to ask. I am an open book. I spent too long hiding behind my ED and self harm now its time to use my past demons for good. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read or ask questions.