Update

   So, it has been awhile and I honestly don't have anything profound to say. I went into surgery last Tuesday for a port placement and I woke up and went home. Most people don't find any of that astounding but everytime I go under anesthesia I feel blessed when my eyes open again and I get to see my beautiful baby boy again. I live everyday in a weakened body and I know that seeing the sun rise is never a promise and everytime they put me under for surgery I know the risks on my malnurished body. Everyday I wake up I feel more and more blessed to have my son and family around. I am very weak most of the time and I rest a lot but I'm still a full time devoted mommy and that is what matters. I've learned through this disease not to take anything for granted because you never know what the next minute will bring.
   I use to think that asking for help made me somehow weaker than everyone else. Even when I was trapped in my anorexia I knew I needed help out of the darkness but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. So many people wanted to help me and I wanted their help but I just couldn't accept it, I couldn't accept there was anything wrong with me. Even laying in a hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube, ivs, and heart monitors I kept insisting they were wrong and I had everything under control. Its taken me this long to let go of the idea...control is an illusion and my actions throughout those years expressed everything but being in control. I can admit I still have trouble asking for help but I'm getting better, I can ask my parents for help with damien when I'm too sick to play with him or having to ask josh for help getting our new place set up. I've always wanted to be the one in charge and now I can't do everything I want to do and its difficult but now I know there are more important things like being here to watch my son grow up and raising awareness for those with eating disorders and gastroparesis.
   Today is just a short post...I'm recovering from my central line placement slowly but surely. Its difficult not being able to pick up damien but that will pass soon enough. I promise I will have a more interesting entry tomorrow for now I'm just going to rest.