Couldn't See

   When I was lost in my eating disorder I couldn't see the sick girl in the mirror that everyone told me I was. I continually saw fat, ugly, and unworthy instead of what was really there, a girl starving herself to death unable tell anyone what was going on, unable to get that monster screaming in my head to shut up. Today when I looked in the mirror I could see what everyone else saw then, this time it is because of a disease that I can't cure and I can't stop and was most likely made so severe because of years of anorexia and bulimia.
   I haven't been able to take in fluids or tube feeds in days, I haven't been able to take care of my baby without help from josh and my parents which I am lucky to have, and unlike those days during my ED I am scared. I didn't know how sick I was years ago, I was looking at a mirror through blinders. Today when I looked in as I was mixing my meds and flushing my tube I saw the dark circles under my eyes, the dried out lips, and pale. I'm having surgery on Tuesday for a port to be placed again for fluids and most likely partial TPN, which means living everyday hoping to avoid a life threatening line infection or the liver damage that IV nutrition causes. I'm terrified of leaving my baby without a mother, terrified that he will never know me or know how much I loved him and how much he changed me for the better. I'm more scared than I have ever been, terrified to shut my eyes because I won't wake up to my beautiful blue eyed baby calling me.
   I wish I could go back to that girl who couldn't see what was there, who couldn't see that she had a future, who couldn't see there was more to her than that eating disordered cutter, and who never guessed at twenty six would be terrified to shut her eyes at night. I wish I could save her from this, but I can't the only thing I can do is raise awareness for others so they don't have to face this and raise awareness for everyone who suffers from gastroparesis or digestive tract paralysis who suffer with it and never did anything to deserve it, who give their lives at young ages because there is no cure and the body can only take so much...nothing gets done unless people come together and speak out. I'm tired of losing people to these diseases, I'm tired of being sick all the time, and I'm tired of being scared. I know life isn't a promise, there are those who die young who have seemingly done everything right with their bodies and still they give out, but eating disorders are treatable with the proper treatment and gastroparesis/DTP can be cured with us pushing for new medicines and new treatments. I don't want my life to be a waste and I don't want to have gone through everything for nothing. I didn't make the choice to become anorexic, but I do believe if insurance would have paid for proper treatment when I was young I might have been able to recover before destroying my body, by the time I could shut the monster out it was too late and the damage was done. I have a medical file that lists over 85 procedures and surgeries, countless weeks in hospital beds, declaring me chronic...they labeled me a chronic anorexic at one point but I managed to prove them wrong. I can't deny the other diagnosis, as of now the only long term possibility is a five organ transplant which comes with a whole mess of complications and no promises. To anyone who reads this please pay attention...eating disorders are not a choice and GP/DTP are real, life threatening diseases to which there is no cure. If you know someone who is suffering from either or even both help raise awareness and if you are suffering know you aren't alone and your life is precious.