Roadblocks and Recovery

     There was a time in my life when sitting down to the dinner table with my family was torture. I would stomp my feet, scream horrible words at my parents, and eventually stomp away from the table without a bite passing my lips. I remember hearing the desperate fights coming from the kitchen as my parents fought over what they were doing wrong, or what needed to happen before I ended up killing myself. I was seventeen years old, out of control, and my parents had no idea how to help me.
     Through the years I was put in residential treatment where I faked it until they let me out or insurance pulled the plug. Then a doctor came into my life that refused to give up no matter how much hell I gave him, he kept me in the adolescent unit with an IV in my arm, a heart monitor on me, and a tube down my nose to feed me. He did this for years until he moved away when I was twenty three. And at twenty three I was on my own forced with the decision to live or die, and for a long time I tried my damnedest to die.
     I was twenty four years old and after an eight year battle with anorexia, self harm, depression, and suicide attempts I made the decision to recover. So many people think that once you make that choice the fight is over, sure you will struggle at first, but eventually it will just be a time in your life that is in the past. This is where so many people get it wrong.
     This fourth of July will mark my seventh year in recovery from my demons and there are some days that it feels like that first day when I looked at the tiny portion of food on my plate unsure if I could manage to eat it. Everyone was so proud of me when I got that food down, and they were supportive keeping me away from the bathroom for two hours afterwards. In their eyes I had just overcome the anorexia demon controlling me, I sat with them, ate what was on my plate, didn't throw up, or slit my wrist...in their eyes the eight year nightmare was over. In my eyes it was simply one meal with many more to go without purging, cutting, over exercising, or going back to my old tricks.
      It is hard for some to understand that recovery is a process, it doesn't happen overnight, and you will face lapses. And, when you don't 'have a solid support system that understands the process and the fact that you will fall sometimes it makes it feel almost impossible to overcome the tiny battles let alone the war. Eating disorders are a two step forward eight step back kind of disorder, and those family and friends who desperately try to support us don't understand that part.
     I do my best to support girls online who are new in recovery, even old in recovery like myself...heck I need support sometimes still. One of the biggest things I notice is when a girl relapses she thinks it is over, however many days she stuck to her meal plan and controlled her behaviors are all for nothing. To them one mistake means it is all over and the monster won...THAT IS A LIE! Unlike with your eating disorder recovery isn't all or nothing, if you make a mistake it isn't over, there is another chance to face the demon, to overcome the meal that caused you to lapse. Just because you make a mistake you are not a mistake, the game isn't over, we are still fighting, and you aren't alone.
     The toughest part for me was letting go of this idea that perfection was possible. I had a quote on the wall in my hospital room that said, 'When I am perfect the punishment can finally stop'. The truth was that in my sick, eating disordered brain punishment would never stop because nothing would ever be good enough in my mind to equal perfection. I was perfectioning myself into my own grave. I was one more pounding myself to death, and when I looked in the mirror I saw fat. That was the moment I needed that support, the people who had been in my shoes and understood what it felt like to be in that moment.
      I try my best to keep up on facebook, and I really need to do better because I see so many beautiful girls fighting for their lives who have a lapse and figure they have lost their chance at recovery, their chance at having happy lives. I've been doing this for almost seven years and I look in the mirror sometimes and that old ED voice breaks in taunting me, trying to pull me back, throwing out 'just five pounds would make all the difference'...ALL LIES trying to pull me back into the dark, lonely place I lived for so many years. I still reach out for support on those days to make sure I do not slip up, and if I do slip up I catch my balance and keep moving forward towards the happy life God and hard work has placed in front of me.
     If you think the only way to be in recovery is to be perfect, to never hear that demon whispering from the cobwebs, to never think about going back you are wrong. Recovery is messy, it is hearing that whisper in the cobwebs and telling it to take a flying leap, and when you think about going back you remind yourself how far you have come. For me, I look down at my blond haired, blue eyed stinker of a four year old and remember he could care less what the scale says when mommy steps on it as long as he gets his special desert. Do you think that A you got on your midterm was because you studied or because you stayed up all night running on the treadmill, or that promotion at work, was that because you worked hard or because you skipped dinner?
     It is okay to fall down, we all fall down. The only think that matters is how you pick yourself back up again. I won't lie and say that recovery isn't a fight, but it is a fight you can win if you don't give in. You can't always prevent lapses from happening, but you can help yourself avoid triggers. For me, I haven't stepped on a scale in seven years (or been told the number by a nurse), I made that choice because that number isn't going to own me, it doesn't change me, I am still a beautiful butterfly of a woman. I made the decision to stop wearing pants that zipped up because they triggered me, and I can say proudly now that I managed to wear an old pair of old jeans for two hours after Christmas to prove to ED that it doesn't own me, it was hard, and I panicked, but I did it. I have a whole list of triggers, some I will never tempt myself with again and others are more like goals to conquer to prove ED lost the control over me. Do the same for yourselves make a list of triggers that you never want to see again, and make another list to show ED you can beat it and ED can kiss your butt!
     Recovery is about taking your life back one step at a time, if you mess up you start over again. You are so much more than your eating disorder, and you have the fight in you to recover that is why that ED voice gets so much louder when you fight back it is because it knows that you have the power to kill it, to reclaim your life. Don't let a setback push you off track what you are fighting for. Recovery is a process, I'm heading on seven years and I still have to take it a step at a time some days. Don't give up, you are a beautiful, unique butterfly with the potential to do whatever you want.