Today as I was attempting to get some extra stuff done around the house, trying to decide what to donate, what to keep, or what to throw away. I pulled out a light blue tote that we had tucked away, and when I pulled off the lid my mouth dropped open. I was face to face with a very large trigger...a box full of ED clothes.
Despite being in recovery for almost six years I hesitated for almost five minutes before I picked up the first piece of clothing, a very tiny dress that was still too big for me at my high school graduation. As I stood there staring my quiet ED voice that lurks in the dark cobwebs of my mind began whisper the lies..."If you let me back out you can fit in that dress again", "With me in control you just imagine how low we can get", and more terrible things like that. It was preying on me in a weak moment thinking I wouldn't have the strength to tell it to 'shut up' and kick ED's ass back to the cobwebs.
My mind was racing, remembering when I wore the clothes, and suddenly the years of starving, purging, cutting, doctor's, hospitals, tubes shoved down my nose, losing all of my friends, most of my family, and eventually almost losing my life hit me like a ton of bricks. It was one of those moments when I had to stop, take a breath, and make a choice. The same choice that I have made in the mirror every day for almost six years...will I fight for my recovery and my life, or I will allow myself to become a slave to anorexia again. In a matter of a minute the clothes that represented the old me were stuffed into trash bags to be thrown out. I felt empowered, like I had shoved ED even farther to the back of my brain. When I looked down I saw them staring up at me...a pair of barely worn Old Navy jeans.
Over the last six years I have faced all of my fears/triggers, even managing to face food fears before my stomach and intestine began to fail. I can go to the doctor alone and I ask to be weighed backwards without them telling me my weight, years ago I would have fought tooth and nail with Dr. R to let me know where my weight was. I can honestly say the number doesn't cross my mind very often anymore at all. All these years the only trigger I have yet to face and make it without a complete break down are dresses, skirts, pretty much anything requiring a zipper and a button, and jeans are at the top of that list.
Things have been so hard lately with all the medical stuff going on, I refuse to let ED have my mind ever again. I put on those jeans, and I fought the immediate urge to panic and rip the stupid jeans off and honestly set them on fire. After a minute I realized that I wasn't going to die because I was uncomfortable, that they were just fabric sewn together, and had absolutely no power over me. I walked around the house for a minute, stared in the mirror, and honestly felt uncomfortable and proud at the same time. Instead of tossing those pants (that still fit) I folded them up and put them in the closet because little by little I will challenge myself until one day when I can wear them out and about the whole day without obsessing about how I look in them or constantly checking if they have somehow gotten tighter around my stomach or thighs...basically leaning on behaviors. That day will be my day to stick my middle finger up at ED and let him know I might not have control over my body anymore, but my mind is completely mine.
I wrote all of that because people make the mistake thinking that because I have maintained a stable recovery for almost six years that I no longer struggle. Everyday is a fight, everyday that I don't let ED win is a small victory in war for my recovery that I believe I will always have to fight. I want people to know that just because you still struggle, or you still have triggers doesn't mean you are failing in your recovery. It isn't about never being triggered or having a horrible day. It is about how you handle these things when they arise. There is always a choice to fight ad hold onto your recovery. You have to remember that ED will do anything to try to get you back and the harder you fight the harder it will be for ED to push out of the cobwebs.
Every single person struggling with an eating disorder deserves better, they deserve freedom from the living hell ED forces you to live in. Putting those jeans on today might seem so silly to most people, but it was monumental for me. Obviously everyone has something different that they haven't been able to let go of yet, for me those jeans represent much more than just some denim sewn together. It is about facing recovery head on, and making the choice everyday that you will endure whatever it takes to stay you, to not let ED turn you into a host again, a walking, talking eating disorder. Think about those days...were they worth it? The constant obsession over the number on the scale, the number of calories in a food, the number of miles you have run, and all the lies ED screaming at you nonstop reminding you that you aren't good enough, thin enough...you aren't enough. What about the constant loneliness because to be under ED's rule there is no time for friends or family because they ask too many questions, the lies become too hard to keep track of. No one deserves a life like that, your mind is your own, and you can't have your ED and stay you. Recovery is a fight, and I won't tell you that it is easy, but it is worth it. Without recovery I wouldn't have my baby and my husband.
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