Seven Years Ago Today

     Seven years ago today my life changed, in a matter of minutes I was torn to pieces in every way a woman can be. A man (a boy really at 20) who I trusted, who I thought loved me, respected me ripped away what was suppose to be mine to give away to my husband. What was only a few minutes seemed to go on for an eternity, and no matter how much I fought or yelled I couldn't win. I remember running to the bathroom and without thinking turning the shower on as hot as I could tolerate it touching my skin. I spent so long curled up on the floor of that shower that the water went cold, I was in a lot of pain and I watched my own blood wash down the drain as he knocked on the bathroom door asking if I were okay. My nightmare had just come true and the hardest part was that he wouldn't leave, I remember thinking if I came out of that bathroom with him still there he would do it again. After awhile I guess he got the picture and left, and I managed to move from the bathroom floor to my bedroom floor.
     It is hard to even put words to what I was like after that, I stopped being human almost. I had already been struggling with my anorexia and self harm for years at this point, but had never truly given up on life like I did after this happened. I was convinced it was my fault, I broke the rules by letting him in the house, I should have said no more firmly, fought harder...I was disgusting. For the next couple weeks I spent most of my time on my bedroom floor cut up, starved, and swallowing handfuls of meds hoping to not wake up the next morning. My parents didn't really notice, not even the fact that I had stopped sleeping in my bed. My skin was very raw because every time I showered I would try to scrub what I thought was his filth off of me. I stopped taking in what little food and fluids I allowed myself at the time because I wanted to be empty, the thought of anything in me, even nourishment made me sick. It was a very, very dark time and I'm not entirely certain how I even survived at all.
     I slammed hard into my rock bottom, once my doctor found out what happened he immediately hospitalized me under suicide watch...I thought there was no point to even fight anymore, I wanted to die. They had to hold me down to put a feeding tube down my nose to get me some much needed nutrition. It took days of my doctor and two specific friends to help me through, to make me realize that I really didn't want to die. During the process of getting a protection order and filing charges I lived in a Women's Shelter, where I met some amazing women and saw some really awful things. For a month my life revolved around what was going to happen to him, I helped the police, went to court, had to relive what he did over and over, and in the end the prosecutor did not charge him despite having him admit what he did...there would be no justice.
     For over a year after the rape I was a mess, I went absolutely nuts, and what worse I couldn't see how nuts I was. I lost respect for myself, accepted what thought was love from places love didn't exist, I hurt myself, destroyed my body, pushed everyone who gave a crap about me as far away as possible. My mom died a few months after I was raped which only made me more insane. My close friends were telling me how out of control I was and I refused to see it, kept screaming to whoever would listen that I was fine. I ignored the nightmares, pretended I wasn't scared every time I left the house, and the list goes on forever. Before I knew it I was so far gone that I couldn't hide the hate I had for myself, there weren't enough drugs, razors, or no level of restricting that would make me better again. I was so angry, so hurt, and my solution was death. I overdosed my way to the intensive care unit, completely blessed to be alive. Once you slam into the bottom there are two choices...the slow climb back to the top or you just give up completely.
     Two and a half years after that guy broke me I finally made the steps to put myself back together. Believe me when I say it was very slow and full of set backs. I met the man who is now my husband during that slow climb and left the bad place I was in. The old me tried to push him away though, I told my husband I was no good for him, too damaged, and begged him to leave me...he never did. The fact is it takes ten times as long to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart, and boy did I fall apart. It has taken years to accept what happened, to know that it wasn't my fault, and to forgive him for hurting me. Forgiving him has been the most healing part for me because by holding onto the hate I had for him was only allowing me to continue to hate myself. The fact is that I am still here and I survive that event, I came out the other side.
      Today has been seven years, and there are times when the memory is fresh, when I wake up screaming from nightmares, but I've made it through. I am not ashamed of what I went through, I am proud that I survived, and happy to have a loving husband and toddler today. The rape could have ended me, it has ended better women than me, but today is no longer a day of sorrow for me rather a day that I can boldly say I took back my life. If you have been a victim of rape please know that you did nothing wrong, and no matter what lies your brain or abuser told you I can promise you that you are strong. Everyday you get up and face the day you are strong, you are surviving a horrible event, and life will get better. Putting yourself back together, taking your life back is not easy, but it is worth it in the end. He only has power over you if you give it to him, you couldn't stop him from hurting you, but you can stop him from owning your life. I believe in God, I believe that even though he has gotten away with his crime on Earth he will face a different judge someday to explain what he did. Try to let go of the hate because in the end it is only hurting you. He will never earn forgiveness if that is what you are waiting for, you just have to give it, and accept the forgiveness for yourself as well because even though you did nothing wrong you keep beating yourself up, and you don't deserve it. I never thought I could get through this day without a razor or self medicating, but I am. This is my life and I refuse to give that man power over me anymore...today is the day I take my life back, not the day I was a victim.