Voice of a monster

*I wrote this years ago when I was still very much battling my eating disorder and self harm. I was in and out of hospitals, constantly needing medical intervention to keep myself alive, they had put a surgical feeding tube in hoping to keep me nourished out of the hospital, and I was feeling very defeated. At this point I knew how sick I was, the rose colored glasses that convinced me there wasn't anything wrong had been shattered, and yet I couldn't let the compulsion go.*

     You won't hear my voice or see my shape, you are both blind and deaf to my frigid wrath. My lies will slowly, and quietly creep into your head, convincing you that no could love you the way you are...you need me. The first lie is simple enough, "You are fat", if you believe that then the harder lies will follow, "You are worthless", "A failure", "You deserve pain", and the list goes on and on until the only thing you see in the mirror is an image that you hate. Before you know it, I've convinced you that the only cure to these feelings is for you to disappear...you believe me.
     It will begin very slow and steady. At first, I will allow you the illusion that you are the one in charge, your naivety makes me laugh. We will start by taking away all those foods that you love like chocolate, pizza, and ice cream...they will make you disgusting, stop complaining, you want this! Next, I replace your friends, family, school, work...your life with the need to run, do crunches, sweat until there is nothing left inside you. Your whole day will depend on that tiny needle inside the scale, if it drops you smile and continue your usual torture. If it remains the same, or goes up there will be consequences...there will be pain for your lack of faith and drive.
     How dare you be so weak, how dare you break my rules? Did you think I wouldn't notice you eating and drinking, falling out on runs early? What punishment seems fitting for your failures? You may wretch over the toilet until you bring blood out to prove that you are empty. You could swallow those laxatives you saw at the store, but you have no money...do you dare become a thief to protect what I've given you? You make me sick, you really are the worthless slob everyone thinks you are, and you need a permanent reminder of that. Go to your room, you know exactly where it is hidden, your sharp pain reliever. This time is different though, you need the reminder, once you find that fresh, clean piece of flesh you will carve the word "FAT" into your body. This will be a constant, stinging reminder when you think to defy me again.
     You are beginning to catch on, I see it in your eyes, the pain as you try to fight back against my will...you've realized you belong to me. All that time I let you believe you were the master of all this, ,it was all lies. You fell for my promises of beauty and perfection without a thought for the price I would require in the end. You are hollow, I've carved out everything that use to make you a person, and replaced it with the compulsion to destroy yourself. It wasn't my fingers down your throat, my stomach begging for nourishment, and it wasn't my blood rushing out of your arms. I gave you everything you could possibly want, and now you cry like you didn't know this was going to happen, you didn't think I would take your breath too. No one can help you now, and if you try to reach out I am going to pull you back down. I've given you everything you wanted, how dare you not be grateful?
                                   "Who am I and why do I do this"? That is a simple enough question...My names are anorexia and bulimia, and to put it simply...YOU LET ME!