Have you ever seen something that you knew was wrong, but looked the other way, pretending not to notice? I'm sure we're all guilty of it at some point in life, most of the time it is something small, and you are probably doing the person a favor by not saying anything. But, what about those times when you should say something and don't, is it your responsibility to open your mouth about other people's business?
If you would have asked me that question ten years ago my answer was simple..."mind your own business". My reasoning was simple, ten years ago I was starving, purging, cutting, and trying to hide the abuse my alcoholic mom was inflicting at home. I didn't want anyone looking closer into anything I was doing because I had to protect my secrets, and I loved my mom and didn't want anyone to think badly of her. At seventeen years old I thought I knew what was best and anyone who tried to tell me different was just trying to cause me problems. My friends approached me first about the scars, about the fact that I was never eating. We were kids, taught from a young age not to be "tattle tales" so they tried to help by not saying anything and telling me I needed to eat, or chasing me around with food. That lasted for a little while before a friend finally looked at me one morning and said, "eat something or I'm going to tell". I rolled my eyes thinking there was no way he was going to rat me out, and even if he did I had myself under control. He made good on his word, first by putting a note under the door of the music office (a note that I slyly conned the choir teacher into believing I had written and needed to get back), so he spoke to our band director face to face. Now, he picked that specific teacher because he had known me for six years and spent a lot of time with me given I devoted every spare second to music. Looking back, I'm happy he picked that teacher because any other teacher would have approached me the wrong way about it and made things worse.
Now, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't angry after our first hour practice when P told me he needed to talk to me during my independent study unit. My next two hours were spent trying to figure out what I was going to say to cover myself, and anger at my friend for spreading my business around. Now, I got away with it that day...my teacher confronted me about my eating, told me he was going to have my guidance counselor talk to me, and they were going to keep an eye on things. Cutting wasn't brought up, and both my guidance counselor and teachers were going to watch for awhile before jumping on the eating disorder band wagon. I breathed a sigh of relief, and told my friend that I was fine. People needed to stop focusing on everything I did, now everywhere I turned I had eyes watching me around food causing me more stress. I would go home, bad things would happen with my mom, I would feel like I was nothing, and I started cutting more and more. It wasn't just scars on my arms, so I switched to long sleeves and jackets to hide my troubled nights. It worked really well to hide everything, including my weight loss...for awhile.
It was October when more friends "betrayed me" (which was how I looked at it during that time). They had seen a gash on my arm when my shirt came up while I was playing. When they confronted me I told them the same thing I told everyone, "mind your own business". That night after our practice I saw these two friends standing outside talking to P after practice, they made eye contact for about three seconds...I knew. My fears were confirmed the next day when I was called to the counselor and told to take off my hooded...there I was starved and covered with cuts. I remember she took me down to the band office with P, and I lashed out at first telling them that this was none of their business and they needed to leave me alone. The teacher who was like a dad to me looked at me and said, "We care too much about you to leave you alone". I was angry for a very long time, had to move all the way to Warrenton with my dad, commute to school, I wasn't with my little sister anymore, I was diagnosed with anorexia, and the year of high school that was suppose to be fun and carefree was me being watched every second with threats of hospitals if I didn't eat. I didn't think anyone had a right to stick their nose in my business, but by not looking the other way they saved my life. Because of caring people willing to risk being on the receiving of my anger, possibly losing my friendship spoke up.
Ten years later I will tell you my answer has changed a hundred percent. In my opinion, if you see someone in a bad situation whether it be addiction, criminal, or some kind of abuse it is your obligation as a human being not to look the other way. I found out after everything in my life went public that there were at least three other teachers that had seen bruises on me, seen fresh cuts, and knew about my "eating difficulties"...not one of them said a word. I spent most of my time with my band directors, so I was very careful to hide everything, but in other classes I wasn't as careful because I figured since I never stood out much they didn't notice. The second both of my band directors found out about my problems they went out of their way to look after me whether it was spending time talking if I looked upset, watching for new cuts, and even buying me food and sitting with me while I ate. There were THREE other teachers who knew from the beginning and looked the other way. By not confronting me I was able to starve myself that much longer, able to lose more weight, able to tear open my skin that many more times, and let me hide the nightmare at home that much longer. I don't blame them, they were minding their own business...most of us go out of our way to look the other way.
When you see a person covered in bruises obviously caused by someone else, and you don't open your mouth you are only allowing them to be hurt more. When you have a friend who is hurting themselves, and look the other way you are only allowing them to get worse. Most of the time people say that they don't want to make their friend angry, or even lose the friendship completely. If the person dies you are going to lose that friendship anyway. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't livid when my friends and teachers stuck their nose in my business allowing all my secrets to be exposed. I was angry at my friend when she found me the night I attempted suicide, and called 911. I've screamed at people, told them how they betrayed me, and even cut off communication with them in the past. I can tell you now that I have gone back and thanked all of those people for not looking the other way, for fighting to save me when I didn't want to save myself. I am alive today because people didn't look the other way. I wonder how many people have lost their lives because no one felt the responsibility to speak up? It is amazing the things that can happen if you just take the time to help others. I've heard countless stories over the years of people who were on the brink of suicide, to the point they were holding the gun or the pill bottles, and a friend calls them or stops by, and confronts the person. Sometimes all we need is someone to see us, to acknowledge that they know we aren't okay, and to feel like we aren't so alone. Turning a blind eye only causes more pain and more loss.
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