When you see her on the street she is always smiles, always trying to add sunshine to everyone's day. She is the first person to jump in if help is needed without expecting anything in return. She succeeds at everything she puts her mind to, and everyone whispers about her potential. The girl has it so together that everyone around her wishes they knew her secrets. The only problem is that girl who you think has world in her hands is falling apart.
Those smiles, the good grades, the awards, and helpful nature is all there to cover up the real girl...the girl she knows that no one could ever love. Everyone thinks her life is so on track, and they talk about her future, about all the amazing things she will do. None of them can see what she is hiding, the secrets that are tearing her apart everyday. It gets so hard to breathe some days she thinks she won't make it...she is so afraid and no one knows. No one knows that beneath her long sleeves are the marks of the crimson tears she cries every night when the lights go out. No one sees that she has stopped eating, and is obsessively watching the numbers on her scale fall everyday. She must be perfect, who could love her if they knew she was such a mess.
She looks in the mirror everyday and can't find what it is that everyone thinks is so beautiful, so talented because all she sees is hate. Her mom has fallen in a bottle that can't get out of and the girl thinks that maybe, just maybe if she could be perfect than her mom could come back. There would be no more screaming, no more hiding the bruises...if only she were better. If she were more perfect her dad might actually see her, she could be something rather than nothing to a family that she has always disappointed. She wants to scream and break that mirror, shattering that stupid reflection staring back at her, but she practices the smiles and programmed responses hoping no one can see past the walls she has put up.
The girl is so tired, so tired of hiding who she really is. She doesn't know how much longer she can do it, the secrets drown her more everyday. She has forgotten what it means to feel pain free, the only time she can truly breathe is when opens her own flesh.
Somehow the bleeding makes the pain go away, it is somehow escaping her body, but it always comes back in the morning. People have noticed her ever shrinking body, but now her diet has become an obsession that she can't stop. She was raised to never lie yet every time she opens her mouth another one escapes her lips without even second thought. She can see her walls breaking down, everyone is beginning to see that she is a wreck which only makes her fight harder to cling to her addictions. At this point she is so out of control she can't navigate the web of lies she had spun over the years. Her choices are limited now, too many questions from everyone, and one solution...RUN.
She runs to a new place, to a whole new group of people who won't see past her smiles to the damaged person she has become. The only problem is that every time she thinks she is comfortable in a new place they start to notice that she isn't okay. They watch with a plate full of food that never actually finds its way to her mouth, but rather the nearest trash can. They spot a scar or cut on her arm, and it is just a little too perfect to have been an accident. The second they confront her she shuts down and heads for a new place. She has been running all of her life, she doesn't see a person worth saving, or deserving of anything but the pain she puts herself in everyday. They tell her she is pretty, smart, talented, etc yet she doesn't see it. The girl hates herself, she is trapped and she can't find a way out. Even when she screams at the top of her lungs nothing comes out. The only voice she hears is the one in her head calling her fat, worthless, pathetic, selfish, and so many other things that you wouldn't say to another person let alone yourself.
Just like most nights the girl finds herself on the floor trying to bleed out the pain of the day when something changes. She is hopeless, the world has forgotten her, and she makes a choice. By the time the paramedics get there the girl isn't breathing surrounded by empty bottles and razor blades. That girl who brought sunshine with her smile will never smile again, and so many people will be left behind asking, "why"? Some people judge her and call her selfish because they can't understand why she did what she did. Others see themselves in the girl...hiding their starving bodies from the world, taking razor blades the their arms every night thinking no one can understand...they could never love me like this.
That girl isn't just me, she is so many of us in this world right now. So many of us are sitting home in the dark clutching that blade praying so hard that you can beat it, that you don't have to do this, and then you fail again. Things become so hopeless, and going on seems too much. We all hide our true selves from the world thinking that if people knew how screwed up we were they wouldn't want to be around us. Just because this girl in here had to die doesn't mean we all have to. Believe me I know what it feels like to be on your floor crying out for some kind of strength to stop everything, some kind of answer that the pain will go away someday, and you are clutching that razor wanting so badly to throw it and tell someone what is going on. I also know what it is like to be afraid, so afraid that taking your own life seems to be the only way you can make it all go away and never come back. It is very easy to change the ending of this story, you have to reach your hand and admit that you are no okay. There are people who will help you and everyone will still love you. You can cry real tears on someone's shoulders instead of bleeding your pain away, you can learn how to eat again, and you can go on to have a good life. I know it is hard to reach out because we are all so afraid of that hand pulling back at the last instant like a joke leaving you more raw and more exposed than ever.
I would be lying if I said that it is easy street now because there are plenty of struggles and old temptations. The girl here represents a lot of my own struggles except when the paramedics broke into my door I was still breathing, and I kept on breathing. We all need to be working on being our own "girl'"...stop covering up all the things that we think make us some undesirable person. The thing is that generally what you hate about yourself someone else loves like your eyes, your smile, the fact you are full figured...etc. You can be the girl that recovers and goes on to help others find their way out of their own darkness, and get that voice back so they can speak for themselves. You get to be someone who doesn't have to constantly juggle a thousand lies at once while waiting for it all to come crashing down. You are allowed to have a voice, to say how you feel without having to hurt yourself. There will always be people who try to pull you down, family members who will joke at your expense, family members whom you will never please, and stupid boys (there is plenty of time for boys later). You aren't alone because we are all out here for you. Please don't have a tragic ending like this girl did.
To the rest of the world take some time to get to know people, and learn to look past their smiles and stand with them through the dark days, and someday they can return the favor. We don't take the time to really get to know people that often anymore, to break down those barriers and just dig into who the person is, including ourselves. We think that if we are honest then no one is going to want us. People can surprise you if you give them a chance, and you can truly feel what it means to smile and let go. The tragedies can be prevented, we don't have to be the girl/boy from above. We can't stop every ignorant bully in the universe, but we can stand together and fight. We put down the razors and use our voices.
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