Holiday Pain

     When I woke up this morning my first thought wasn't, "Yes, I'm ready to get my Christmas on". In all honesty the only thing that came to my mind as I stared at my ceiling gathering up the courage to get out of bed was, "Lord, give me the strength to get through this day with only a few tears, and give my son the best Christmas I can". I have struggled with my own hardships these last few months, and the last thing I've wanted to do was put up a Christmas tree and smile like there was nothing wrong. I was ashamed that I was too broke to buy my son a bunch of Christmas presents, and the only reason he had some under the tree was because of some amazing people that blessed us in our hard times. I began to wonder as I sit here alone in my house, my son going to bed, everyone else coming home from their family dinners how many other people were hiding pain behind those smiles this year?
     When you look at pictures from the holidays everyone is beaming ear to ear with grins, but how many of those grins are truly genuine? Just because it is Christmas or any holiday for that matter doesn't mean that things magically get better in our lives, we simply learn to hide it better because that is what is socially acceptable. We are taught that no one wants to hear your tragedy when they say, "Merry Christmas". I was around some family today and not one of them asked how I was doing, or how I got through opening "Santa" presents with my Firefly without crying wishing my husband was here seeing our son get excited about his new toys. It was very lonely this morning, just me and my lil Firefly sitting in the living room opening up gifts, me trying to help him and take pictures for my husband, and then after we got done at my parent's house I came home to my house just me and the Firefly. It is amazing how quiet it gets sometimes without him here. I still walk down the stairs some days and expect him to be in the kitchen, but I know that he isn't, and won't be for a long time. It breaks my heart for him to call me and there is nothing I can do to make his holiday better...we are both serving time, forced to be apart.
     Believe me I know that some of you are like, "How are you in prison, he is the one stuck behind the locks for not doing anything wrong"? I am not locked in a room being told what to do all the time, but I am being kept from the man I love. I have taken on the life of a single mom for a little while, while being sick, and while spending every spare second trying to free my husband from this false charge. It is heartbreaking to wake up to our son crying for his daddy still thinking he is going to be there for their morning breakfast routine, and you think he is only two and would forget...he doesn't. I miss him so much it hurts my heart deeper than I thought possible, I have stacked crap up on our bed so I don't have to feel the void next to me where my husband should be. The holidays really mean very little to me this year, I put on the smile for my son because he deserves to have a good holiday even if his mommy is struggling. At the end of everyday that little boy gives me the strength to wake up and fight all over again, and I know that is a blessing not everyone has.
     I know so many of you are hiding the pain you feel this time of year whether it be the pain of losing someone you love, trouble in the family, money problems, illness, or so many other things that hurt us. I wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not alone this Christmas. I know how much it hurts to smile and laugh when you would rather lock yourself away and just cry or disappear. You have to understand there is nothing wrong with you if you are struggling, I promise you more of us are struggling through the holidays than laughing. Everyone is hiding something or stressed out about trying to afford presents or getting the right presents for everyone. Don't get me started on how commercialized we are, and that we can only show love by gifts...that frustrates me. This is just a really hard time of year for so many people.
     I'm writing this for all of you who are finding yourself sitting alone in your rooms after peeling off the make up and gift wrappings that made you look perfect this holiday season. You are surrounded by stuff and yet tears still stream down your face for whatever reason. I know what you are thinking..."There is something wrong with me". But, I can promise you there isn't, it is okay to be sad or need help this time of year because lots of people do. Years ago I use to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas just smiling ear to ear and then when I got home I would go back to my room, back to the darkness inside me, and I would take a razorblade to my flesh. I couldn't be happy like everyone else, the stuff I pulled paper off of didn't fill whatever that emptiness was inside of me, and I was right back to where I was before it all. Now, I am blessed to not feel the need to turn to those old demons, I have a son who needs me to be whole not starving or bleeding. But, not everyone has the support to get through this without resorting to their demons whatever they may be. I hate to think of the people who are alone and scared turning to their addictions to get through the pain...YOU AREN'T ALONE! I think about those people who take their lives around the holidays and it breaks my heart. I know what it is like to give up, I've swallowed the pills myself, and only woke up in the ICU by the grace of God. But, waking up after that night was enough to let me know that I didn't want to die, and so I think about those who succeed who would have had a long life full of possibilities ahead of them if they would have been given the chance to just wake up the next day. So, I'm writing this to tell you that you aren't alone, that there are tons of us that are sitting alone right now crying wishing we were with the ones we loved or wishing we had a better relationship with our families, and you don't have to hurt yourself to show this.
     Believe me, I understand how much the pain eats away at you and you think you just can't make it another day. Pain has a way of draining you in every way possible, it makes you tired physically and emotionally, and eventually it feels like too much. I know as it gets harder and harder to live with you turn to other ways to get through, drugs, alcohol, razors, starving, etc ...anything to make it feel better, anything to help you keep up the smile for others. I have been there, you want someone to tell you that it is okay to not be okay, and I'm telling you that right now. Believe me when I say it took courage, prayer, and support of some good friends to get me through this holiday season without my husband. Christmas has been hard since my mom died six years ago, we lost her on December 8 kind of made things like my birthday on December 20 and Christmas seem unimportant without her. Then the year after my mom passed we lost my great grandma two days after Christmas, once again another black cloud over the holiday season. My heart began to open up again when I met my husband and had my son, but this year my husband and I only spoke on the phone for a few minutes. I know not everyone has a kid that keeps the fighting through these tough days, but I can offer you my friendship and a promise that if you ask me to talk I won't leave you alone in the dark. I don't want to read about anyone hurting themselves because the pain of the holidays was too much. I promise you that you don't want to die, and it will just bring a whole new set of troubles to your family. Living is amazing, I know it is hard, and often times makes you want to give up, but the thing about it is you never know what is around the corner. I believe that even in the darkest hours of our lives there is still the possibility that the light will shine through again, we just have to keep up the fight, and when we see people struggling to win the battle on their own we help them out. It is amazing the capability of people if they aren't forced to stand alone.