I've never lied about my childhood, I've always been honest with everyone on here because I feel being open is one of the only ways we can help those who are feeling lost and alone feeling they have no where to turn besides an eating disorder, razor blade, drugs, or anything else so they can forget their pain. I can't even remember the first time I broke my skin open intentionally or decided to throw that half cheeseburger away rather than eat it. All I know is before long it became something that controlled me, the only way I could get what was constantly being screamed into my head. I had to smile, I had to be perfect, and I couldn't let anyone know what was going on because it wasn't allowed. I was the one who my parents talked to, they bad mouthed each other, talked about money issues, and so on. I took on the problems of adults as a kid, I didn't get in trouble, I didn't sneak out, do drugs, or have sex...I stopped eating and started cutting myself.
I had no self worth, I couldn't see what everyone else saw because when I looked at myself, at my wall of awards I only saw what I wasn't. I wasn't thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough...I wasn't enough. When my secrets came out it was looked at some cry for help that I would get over, a phase, a phase that lasted until I was twenty three years old and still rages inside of me everyday wanting to get out. A phase that is contributing to the fact that the doctors never make promises of another year, each blood infection is another mortal danger, each surgery, every time my kidneys start to turn against me again I am reminded of my mortality. This body I've abused and been abused has been through too much and though I am terrified of dying those voices still exist screaming, "YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH"!
I have never been one of those people who could say they were recovered because I'm not and never will be, you don't go into the black hole as far as I did without some lasting damage. The darkness is still there, the screaming, wanting to give in, and the only thing that keeps me on track is learning to stop and breathe before I take action. I go and lay next to my Firefly or watch him play and I know that it isn't an option, he is already going to spend a big portion of his life wondering who is mommy was as a person and I hope that people let him read this so he can know how much I loved him and I am sure that wherever you go when you die I will be loving him even more there and watching constantly.
The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life and not too many people outside of my inner circle know what is going on. I have felt fear, anger, sadness, regret, more anger, more sadness, and here I am a mess. Firefly keeps me focused because I know me well enough to know that no matter how many wonderful people I had around me in the past before him I would have still fallen over the edge and watched as everything just rushed away. Not gonna lie, feeling is not one of my favorite things, emotion seems too much sometimes, but I have done it. I have friends that tolerate my slips back into a bad situation and are there when I need them to pull me off the floor and let me cry and know that this will be okay. Four years is not undone in fourteen days, it will take time...I really, really hate that statement though. Things are very different now, there is no falling over the edge and hanging there for awhile until you can finally stand up, with Firefly needing me there is no option of falling, there is simply standing no matter how hard it gets and when there are cracks and you stumble you have to reach out your hand immediately or down it all goes...recovery that has been an uphill battle for four years all down and back at the bottom of a cliff that nearly ended me the first time around.
I've been a mess many times before, but this time I am not trying to fix it with things that only make things worse. I am a mess and I haven't hidden it from anyone because I know that it is okay to not be okay right now as long as I'm not okay and allowing old behaviors in. I have been honest about the kind of support I need and for some reason I am lucky enough to have people who care enough to stick around esp the one who is stuck with me all the time which I guess isn't always bad because I have smiled, laughed, and been okay more and more, but there are times when my head gets in the way, usually after Firefly is asleep and my brain is going like crazy and just someone there to ask what is going on provides an outlet even when everything comes out crazy and rambling. I know how much of a pain in the ass it is to reassure someone all the time that this is right, I've done it and I can now understand first hand in this situation.
I'm not sure how long it takes to come back, how long before I won't constantly second guess myself about everything I do, wondering if I'm doing because I want to do it or because I've been trained to react that way. I'm slowing standing up for myself to more than just one person, I'm not something that anyone has the right to put down, I don't need your criticism, judgment, or any kind of negativity because I can do that all on my own...BELIEVE THAT ONE! I do know that eventually it will get easier, everything does, the fractures won't go away, I will always remember, but that doesn't have to dictate every moment of everyday. I've been broken plenty of times before and it isn't always pretty when you glue it back together, but all that matters is that it holds and I will hold strong for my Firefly until this disease takes me kicking and screaming.
Not sure who this really helps, probably just me needing to get some stuff out. If you are feeling like this, when your head is screaming horrible things at you, when people are screaming horrible things at you, listen closely because they are lying. People will always try to pull you down and we all carry our own damage, but, a friend reminded me the other day that words only have power if you give them power. At the end of the day you have to know who you are and know that you are a person who deserves to be treated with respect from not only others, but also yourself. Don't let other people make you their puppets because you are better than that.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Drowning
I feel like I'm drowning, every time I manage to find the surface for a breath of air another bucket of water is added and I'm under in the darkness again fighting for the ever distancing surface. I find myself full of panic, kicking, and trying to scream. Maybe the darkness is hiding me and I will continue the struggle without ever reaching that fresh air, finally breathing easily again.
The screaming is getting harder and harder to ignore, pushing through all of my defenses. I've taken extra precautions to avoid relapse...not that I could get any sicker from lack of food. The battle continues to haunt my dreams, there is rarely a moment's peace unless my Firefly lets me cuddle up with him and watch a movie and he hasn't been to cuddly lately. I feel like I'm being torn apart, as I fall deeper into the darkness the pressure gets so intense I beg for it to end and then there is more water. I'm drowning and there seems to be no way out, I'm left to wonder if I just open and swallow all the water things will finally quiet in my head, can the hurting stop? I know that is a bad idea because the Firefly still loves me and needs me...I have to find a way out of this.
I need a break, getting bad news everyday on top of the usual things that are dealt with everyday is wearing me down. My body is already in trouble and all of this is just taxing it more and more. At this rate I don't think I will see 2014 and I'm being honest. I know how weak I am and I know what I look like in the mirror. I'm scared and the person who usually gets me through it isn't here because he lost control. I have everyone telling me leaving is the right thing, he can't change, but June never left Johnny and he did change. I am a realist, I'm twenty seven with a two year and tubes and lines hanging out of her body...not exactly on the list for a new person to fall for.
What right do I have to give up, where would I be if he had given up on me? Yes, I have friends and I'm super blessed for how great they have been through all of this, but there will come a time when they are gone and it is me and Firefly. I'm sick, I've been handed my death sentence and I don't want to face it alone and I don't want to lose my baby as I get sicker and I know that is what would happen despite I take better care of my son than some perfectly healthy mothers do. Everyone gave up on my mom and she died alone in a hospital bed with no one there holding her hand helping her, letting her know that she was loved and forgiven for the things that had happened. The last mental image I have of her on this Earth is laying in an ICU bed, tied down on every machine imaginable, bloated, and not my mom. The last thing I said to her was I love you mommy and I ate dinner for you, as if her anorexic daughter eating dinner was some great news to hear as she lay there dying. Never saw her after that, the funeral was closed casket because the bloating couldn't be brought down and she looked really bad and not like the mom we wanted to remember. People came and paid respects telling me how great my mom was and then I would hear them whispering about her drinking and killing herself, she is remember for her addiction and death more than the things that she did accomplish in her life.
Maybe I am selfish and stupid, but I'm also really, really scared. My family doesn't understand me nor do we talk which isn't just on them. The parents I have left don't understand the words "I'm dying", I've spent hours trying to explain how sick I am and they don't get it. My next line infection could be my last and I'm not naive enough to say it won't be. They told me it was a miracle I survived the last one esp with going to the ICU. I have a feeding tube sitting on a nerve in my three percent of a tummy, the stoma site is pouring everything out rather than venting, I have a frigging hole in my stomach that drains blood and bile all day until they can surgically close it off which can't be done until my labs seem more stable, and then the hickman line and we all know "it isn't if it gets infected rather when it does". To be honest, I can't handle the constant criticism they throw all the time on top of everything else...THE FUCKING TANK IS FULL NO ROOM FOR ANYMORE WATER!!!!!!
I am the best mommy I can be to Firefly and anyone who knows us knows that he is one of the happiest lil guys in the world. I do everything I can to avoid hospital admissions even when they are critically needed, I left AMA with sepsis because of all the heat that was coming down on me from every direction. If they want to live in lala land and think they know things when they don't then fine, but I'm dying either way. This body has been pushed to the limits more times than it should have in a lifetime and managed to come back, well the bouncing back isn't so much happening anymore, it takes months to recover from easy surgeries that would use to take a week. How much more can I expect it to keep going...my GI organs are completely shot, my heart has damage, my kidneys have taken a hit, liver is starting to show issues, and I'm constantly ending up with infections? I don't want to be her, I don't want to die alone in a hospital bed, I don't want whispers at my funeral, and I want to be remembered for being more than just damaged...I was beaten, bloodied, cursed, anorexic, bulimic, a cutter, raped, tried to end my own life and nearly succeeded, I was shattered, but I put myself back together. I have cracks that will always be there, but I shouldn't be remembered for the cracks, I should be remembered for putting the pieces back together, for holding my ground when they said Firefly would kill me, I want to be remember as a mommy who did everything she could to give her lil man the best life he could have, who fought the screaming that tried to take her down...I survived and I did despite losing almost everything, being homeless, living in a women's shelter I will not leave this world feeling ashamed.
I've learned that God doesn't change you, He never leaves you, but in the end only you can put things together. I have faith, that doesn't change the fears. I know that I will go alone, but I want my hand being held. Like I said...selfish. I need a breath, I need the tank to shatter and let me be free. I won't give up on myself or who I love because I wouldn't even be here to type this if I hadn't had someone stumble into my life when they did. It is easy to let someone go, but a lot harder to help them find their way. No one helped her and she died alone remember as a drunk...people deserve better. I know what it feels like to feel completely alone in a room full of friends and I also know that my story is by far not the most horrible thing that some have endured it is simply my story, my pain, and I can't judge another's. I have spent a lot of time screaming at God, begging for answers, and asking what I did wrong. The answer is simply life is messy and things happen sometimes and you can't control them and God's job is not to fix you, but to let you know that when you feel alone in that room He is still holding you up. I haven't succumbed to their life expectancy predictions because I know I still have fight in me for Firefly, but I feel the signals my body sends to me and I know that something isn't right. I don't know how, but I will find the surface of this crushing ocean...I am not broken nor am I worthless despite what others think. I'm still here, still breathing, not bleeding, and raising a beautiful young Firefly. I'm done letting people add more water and no matter how much it hurts I will not let the pressure break me. I will find the surface.
The screaming is getting harder and harder to ignore, pushing through all of my defenses. I've taken extra precautions to avoid relapse...not that I could get any sicker from lack of food. The battle continues to haunt my dreams, there is rarely a moment's peace unless my Firefly lets me cuddle up with him and watch a movie and he hasn't been to cuddly lately. I feel like I'm being torn apart, as I fall deeper into the darkness the pressure gets so intense I beg for it to end and then there is more water. I'm drowning and there seems to be no way out, I'm left to wonder if I just open and swallow all the water things will finally quiet in my head, can the hurting stop? I know that is a bad idea because the Firefly still loves me and needs me...I have to find a way out of this.
I need a break, getting bad news everyday on top of the usual things that are dealt with everyday is wearing me down. My body is already in trouble and all of this is just taxing it more and more. At this rate I don't think I will see 2014 and I'm being honest. I know how weak I am and I know what I look like in the mirror. I'm scared and the person who usually gets me through it isn't here because he lost control. I have everyone telling me leaving is the right thing, he can't change, but June never left Johnny and he did change. I am a realist, I'm twenty seven with a two year and tubes and lines hanging out of her body...not exactly on the list for a new person to fall for.
What right do I have to give up, where would I be if he had given up on me? Yes, I have friends and I'm super blessed for how great they have been through all of this, but there will come a time when they are gone and it is me and Firefly. I'm sick, I've been handed my death sentence and I don't want to face it alone and I don't want to lose my baby as I get sicker and I know that is what would happen despite I take better care of my son than some perfectly healthy mothers do. Everyone gave up on my mom and she died alone in a hospital bed with no one there holding her hand helping her, letting her know that she was loved and forgiven for the things that had happened. The last mental image I have of her on this Earth is laying in an ICU bed, tied down on every machine imaginable, bloated, and not my mom. The last thing I said to her was I love you mommy and I ate dinner for you, as if her anorexic daughter eating dinner was some great news to hear as she lay there dying. Never saw her after that, the funeral was closed casket because the bloating couldn't be brought down and she looked really bad and not like the mom we wanted to remember. People came and paid respects telling me how great my mom was and then I would hear them whispering about her drinking and killing herself, she is remember for her addiction and death more than the things that she did accomplish in her life.
Maybe I am selfish and stupid, but I'm also really, really scared. My family doesn't understand me nor do we talk which isn't just on them. The parents I have left don't understand the words "I'm dying", I've spent hours trying to explain how sick I am and they don't get it. My next line infection could be my last and I'm not naive enough to say it won't be. They told me it was a miracle I survived the last one esp with going to the ICU. I have a feeding tube sitting on a nerve in my three percent of a tummy, the stoma site is pouring everything out rather than venting, I have a frigging hole in my stomach that drains blood and bile all day until they can surgically close it off which can't be done until my labs seem more stable, and then the hickman line and we all know "it isn't if it gets infected rather when it does". To be honest, I can't handle the constant criticism they throw all the time on top of everything else...THE FUCKING TANK IS FULL NO ROOM FOR ANYMORE WATER!!!!!!
I am the best mommy I can be to Firefly and anyone who knows us knows that he is one of the happiest lil guys in the world. I do everything I can to avoid hospital admissions even when they are critically needed, I left AMA with sepsis because of all the heat that was coming down on me from every direction. If they want to live in lala land and think they know things when they don't then fine, but I'm dying either way. This body has been pushed to the limits more times than it should have in a lifetime and managed to come back, well the bouncing back isn't so much happening anymore, it takes months to recover from easy surgeries that would use to take a week. How much more can I expect it to keep going...my GI organs are completely shot, my heart has damage, my kidneys have taken a hit, liver is starting to show issues, and I'm constantly ending up with infections? I don't want to be her, I don't want to die alone in a hospital bed, I don't want whispers at my funeral, and I want to be remembered for being more than just damaged...I was beaten, bloodied, cursed, anorexic, bulimic, a cutter, raped, tried to end my own life and nearly succeeded, I was shattered, but I put myself back together. I have cracks that will always be there, but I shouldn't be remembered for the cracks, I should be remembered for putting the pieces back together, for holding my ground when they said Firefly would kill me, I want to be remember as a mommy who did everything she could to give her lil man the best life he could have, who fought the screaming that tried to take her down...I survived and I did despite losing almost everything, being homeless, living in a women's shelter I will not leave this world feeling ashamed.
I've learned that God doesn't change you, He never leaves you, but in the end only you can put things together. I have faith, that doesn't change the fears. I know that I will go alone, but I want my hand being held. Like I said...selfish. I need a breath, I need the tank to shatter and let me be free. I won't give up on myself or who I love because I wouldn't even be here to type this if I hadn't had someone stumble into my life when they did. It is easy to let someone go, but a lot harder to help them find their way. No one helped her and she died alone remember as a drunk...people deserve better. I know what it feels like to feel completely alone in a room full of friends and I also know that my story is by far not the most horrible thing that some have endured it is simply my story, my pain, and I can't judge another's. I have spent a lot of time screaming at God, begging for answers, and asking what I did wrong. The answer is simply life is messy and things happen sometimes and you can't control them and God's job is not to fix you, but to let you know that when you feel alone in that room He is still holding you up. I haven't succumbed to their life expectancy predictions because I know I still have fight in me for Firefly, but I feel the signals my body sends to me and I know that something isn't right. I don't know how, but I will find the surface of this crushing ocean...I am not broken nor am I worthless despite what others think. I'm still here, still breathing, not bleeding, and raising a beautiful young Firefly. I'm done letting people add more water and no matter how much it hurts I will not let the pressure break me. I will find the surface.
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