I've had multiple people over the years ask me if I regret the choices I've made over the years and if I could change the past would I make that decision. The answer is no to both questions. What kind of life would I have if I sat around dwelling on the past? I've made a ton of mistakes over the years some of which were huge, but can you honestly say that you've lived your whole life without mistake?
People forget sometimes that life isn't perfect, there isn't always an answer. I use to think that things were black and white, you are either fat or thin, smart or dumb, a success or a failure, etc. The fact is most things fall into a gray category, most of us fit somewhere in the middle. When I was lost in my eating disorder I couldn't stop the black and white thinking. I spent all day declaring things safe and unsafe, if I set a goal for myself and didn't reach it I was automatically a failure who deserved to be punished. To be honest accepting the gray in life was one of the hardest things in my recovery. Realizing that life was messy and that my mistakes didn't make me less of a person was something I couldn't grasp. It was especially difficult with everyone telling me how I destroyed my life and that I use to have so much potential. In my head that translated to FAILURE, my life was over and there was no fixing things.
For awhile I was drowning in self pity and even regret, I thought of myself as nothing, and gave up. I figured my life was over at 23 so I pushed a bunch of pills down my j tube and that was that. Coming to in the ambulance as a paramedic was yelling at me to open my eyes and breathe was shocking. I remember bits and pieces of that experience like the alarms going off in the ambulance, the paramedic telling the hospital to be ready, voices over me as they wheeled towards the trauma room saying they couldn't get an IV and my vitals were very unstable, and then I was in the ICU. I can't really describe what I was feeling when I woke up because it was a long range of emotions mainly anger and relief. Part of me was angry that they had saved me, this wretch of a human being and the other part was relieved that I had survived. That whole experience didn't wake me up completely, but I firmly believe it was a crucial event that set me on the road to recovery.
Once I hit bottom it was a long, treacherous climb out. It has been almost four years since I made that first step back to the living and I am still constantly reminded how easy it would be to fall back down. I've stopped dwelling on the past and focused on living in the future. My road has been tough but it has also given me a lot. If things had been different I never would have met Josh and I wouldn't have my amazing lil man who I can hear laughing from his room right now. My mistakes have put me in a position to make a difference in different ways. My story can help others who feel lost and alone, who are headed on or currently battling an eating disorder or cutting. I think maybe if I keep sharing my experiences it might make a difference to someone and spare them from hitting bottom like I did and if I only help one person that is enough for me.
I no longer have regret, I feel like my experiences have made me stronger in the end and give me the strength to get through tough days living with my GP and the complications from it. I do grieve for what I missed during those years or what I couldn't appreciate and enjoy because I couldn't stop focusing on my anorexia. My senior year of high school was full of wonderful things and I spent most of it obsessing over my secrets rather than enjoying every minute of it for what it was. I had a scholarship to the college I wanted to go to for music and lost it because I ended up in treatment when all my friends were checking into their dorms I was sitting at a table full of girls who were crying over finishing dinner (myself included). Once I finally got to college a year later I only made it a semester before I found myself tucked into a hospital bed with a tube down my nose. Those are just a few of the big things I hold grief over there are so many small things I lost to my own choices...I never made those stupid mistakes everyone makes as a kid, those rites of passage that most people experience, and much more. I spent my adolescence and early twenties trapped in my head spending every second focused on my eating disorder, too wrapped up in restricting and numbers along with cutting to pay attention to life as it was blowing by.
Like I said before I do not regret those years nor would I change them because they have made me who I am. I've decided to not be ashamed of my past anymore or let anyone shame me because of my past. I beat a disease that has taken more lives than any other mental illness and I did it after I was told I never would. I know I had the potential to be more, I know I'm smart, and I'm overly aware of the fact that I could have done anything I wanted with my life but that isn't how things went no point dwelling on it. Personally, I don't think I'm any less smart because I couldn't finish college or work making some large amount of money. My IQ is just as high as it has always been and I've learned a lot about life because of my struggles. I'm not a doctor but I am a mommy and that is more fulfilling for me. I fight everyday against a body that has betrayed me and face the fact that I will probably die much younger than most and my past gives me the courage and hope to defy the odds the docs give us. I know that most of my family and even friends think I am a total screw up, but at this point I've learned how to take their opinions with a grain of salt. I am who I am...no regrets.
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