So, yesterday I had to come face to face with one of my old nemesis, now I'm sure you are thinking it was some person that I had a falling out with our something, but I promise you that is not what it was. This nemesis I speak of was a tape measure. I know what you are thinking...how could I be scared of a plastic measuring device? The thing is when I threw myself full into my recovery there were some steps I had to take to ensure I remained on the right path. I got rid of all my anorexic clothes, I stopped wearing jeans or anything that involved zipping or buttoning around my waist, I destroyed my scale and all measuring devices, and in the beginning of recovery all food labels were blacked out even my tube feed so I could stop obsessing over it. The thing about recovery is you can't go half way, if you don't throw your who self into it and think that you can keep some of those trigger items you are asking for relapse.
For almost four years I have done a pretty good job at avoiding my triggers, not paying attention to dress sizes and making sure I weigh backwards at my many doctor's appointments. I've had my moments where I've been triggered, but I've always gotten through it without giving in to the old me. Josh and I have been planning our wedding for months now and it has been great. I picked out my beautiful and very eccentric wedding dress and I've been super stoked. Then I realized yesterday after getting an e mail from the dress maker that she would need my measurements before she could begin the dress.
I kept acting cool as Josh kept asking me over and over if I was going to be able to handle this, to accept my new body for what it is and not let the numbers define me. I kept telling him that I would be fine and we need to just get this done. So, last night we took my many measurements and I sent them to the dress maker. I kept insisting I was fine because it has been almost four years, why would a tape measure send me into thinking those old lies that use to scream in my head all day long? I let shame get the best of me, I was avoiding writing this because I thought everyone would see me as a failure, but now that I'm looking back at it I'm not a failure at all nor do I deserve to be ashamed.
So, here is the fact...seeing those new measurements did mess with my head a little bit. I heard her screaming in my head trying to convince me how unacceptable those numbers were and how could I even allow myself to run my tube feeds with those numbers. I finally yelled "shut up" as I was standing in the middle of my bedroom. I couldn't believe what I was doing, I'm marrying a man that loves me despite the fact that I'm getting sicker and sicker every day it seems and here I was obsessing over some numbers. My body is giving out on me, my stomach can't tolerate anything in it so I'm venting everything which is causing wt loss and electrolyte imbalances, my intestines aren't doing well already with my new feeds, I have to wear a heart monitor for another two weeks to make sure that my long QT isn't worse than we thought, and through all of this I'm living everyday in so much pain and fear that I won't see my son grow up....why the hell do the numbers matter?
I've been thinking about that last statement a lot since last night because I know so many other girls and even guys who struggle with the same thing. They can be in a strong recovery and one time seeing their weight, their measurements, or a larger dress size and the vicious cycle will start all over again. I think body acceptance is one of the hardest things after you recover because so many things can change. First of all, when you recovery that usually, not in all cases, but quite a few comes with gaining to a healthy weight which can be a huge adjustment. You have to buy new clothes which means new sizes and new feelings. Recovery means your body is different...bones won't be sticking out everywhere, instead of that sunken in face, and dark circles under your eyes you actually look more beautiful and younger. I wish just the first weight gain to begin your recovery was all you had to worry about, but that isn't everything.
The fact is as we get older our bodies are going to change and that means we have to accept the change and just go with it. Having my son left me with excess skin on my belly and there are days when it bothers me more than it should, but this is my body and the excess skin was a small price to pay for the beautiful little boy that crawls up to me everyday and cuddles with me. Part of recovery is accepting who you are because the number on the scale does not define you at all even though that liar that sometimes fights to the forefront of your mind is going to tell you different you have to keep up the fight.
I almost let my fear of a tape measure ruin my wedding because I was still allowing the numbers to define me. This just goes to show that even when you are years into your recovery there are still going to be obstacles and that is okay. It is always okay to struggle, there is nothing about recovering that means you have to be perfect because there is no such that as perfect. In my opinion we are all beautifully imperfect and that is what makes us who we are. The numbers that ruled us for so long only have power if we give it to them. After we did those measurements we threw the tape measure away and for a split second I wanted to jump in the dumpster and find it because I thought that I absolutely had to have it, but the feeling passed as soon as I stopped and took a breath.
I wrote this because I think there are so many people out there that think struggling means their less of a person or that they are failing in recovery. Recovery is full of ups and downs and you just have to keep with your support system. Do what makes you happy and accept that fact that your body is perfect the way it is. Numbers don't matter, a size is nothing more than a number and it doesn't define you and neither does the scale or a tape measure. We all have moments of weakness...recovery can mean five steps forward and two steps back, just don't give up because we all deserve to be free and accept that beauty is not defined by a number.
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