I find myself facing reality more and more lately, a reality that Josh and everyone else in my life is making the choice to ignore. I can feel myself weakening, the chest pains, dizzy spells, blood pouring out of places that it isn't suppose to be pouring. Even the doctor is trying to convince us that I have more time than I have. I know my body, I can feel it quitting, and I can feel it more and more difficult to keep fighting. I get out of bed everyday to fight for my son. I ignore the short breath and the chest pains because the medical docs insist they are going to get me on a holter monitor and figure out why my heart is weakening so fast. I know why things are getting weak so fast...lack of nutrition. It was been proven that I absorb nothing through my guts. It takes less than eight minutes for things to move from my small intestine to my colon which means I'm not absorbing any of my meds which is causing the pain to just stay more and more unbearable. They were all about starting the patch to help me get a grip on the pain and then some attending at my resident's clinic who has never bothered to meet me decided to try me on a medicine that triggered me into a PTSD flash and left me crying with a razor blade in the bathroom until Josh came and helped me put it down without giving in. They tell me that my guts are bipolar and that for some reason my body rejects food and nutrition, it treats it as a foreign invader and causes unbearable pain.
I have no doubt in my mind that these people are going to kill me if they don't start my TPN soon. They expect me to just keep hanging on "sustaining". I'm tired of simply sustaining. I would rather live five years with my son and have a happy life than live ten years with him while I'm stuck in bed in pain. If it weren't for my son I don't know how I would keep up the fight. People want me to lie and say that I am just gunho ready to beat this beast, but the fact of the matter is most of the time I feel defeated and alone. I feel more alone than most people understand. If it weren't for my son I don't know if I could keep up the fight. At this point I'm pretty sure I will be spending time at Barnes for a blood infection...Happy Valentine's Day for me. Sorry if I seem like a downer right now, but I truly am.
I am currently trying to find the courage to discuss everything with my doc...everyone says he needs to know about my mom beating the shit out of me, about being raped, about waking up in the ICU disappointed because they revived me. I was raped and no one cared besides my doc and the Women's shelter where I had to live since it wouldn't have happened if he wouldn't have been at my dad's house, so rather than support me or have my back he kicked me out and I was left with a razor and a few bottles of pills...it is nice getting to share how much of a loser I am with my doc on Thursday.
People think I want sympathy for the a fore mentioned things, I don't. I am not the first person whose parents had problems, I still loved my mom despite the bruises and the venom she so often spewed when she got that whiskey down her throat. In her own way she loved me, she was trying to make me stronger, better, and in her own jacked up way she did. I was able to protect my baby sister by pissing her off and that means more to me than anything else. That son of a bitch took from me what I will never get back and he made me think that I couldn't survive, but I did. Forcing me to hide in a Women's shelter I was able to meet wonderful women who I am still friends with today. I did hit rock bottom, I starved and cut and swallowed whatever I could get my hands on and I woke up in the intensive care unit cursing the world for my breath, but here I am today with a two year old who loves me more than anything in this world and I love him just as much. I'm sick, I'm going to die before he is old enough to truly learn enough from me, but I'm not giving up and I'm not going to be ashamed anymore. I'm done being ashamed, I've been bloody and broken and that isn't happening again. I will go down on my own terms and I will fight for as many years as I can get before this fucking disease take me out and anyone who doesn't like me or believe in me can take a leap.
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