Tests and triggers

   These last few weeks have felt  like a test, I feel like I've wanted to break and give in to my old demons because I just want to make the fear and pain disappear. I've let being sick get in my head and that old voice has been clawing trying to convince me it could make me feel numb again. Needless to say I told that voice to take a flying leap, that doesn't mean that I still don't feel it whispering in my ear esp days when I'm so weak I have to have help walking from point A to point B. We have been on such a roller coaster with the docs and hospitals discussions of more surgery and more infections making me feel like shit. I'm blessed that I don't deal with this alone, I have family willing to help when I need and not everyone can be so blessed.
   I've found myself sitting and thinking about what is really triggering those old thoughts, that need to be numb. I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the uncertainity of everything, it scares me that I'm not incontrol of my body or my pain, my body is sick and getting sicker and there is little I can do to stop it and it is terrifying. I used my anorexia and cutting to control my body and my emotions, I know now that I wasn't controlling anything rather destroying myself into that illusion. I look at my son and my mind races to the "what ifs", I cry just thinking about being taken away from him, not being able to see him grow, not being able to let him know how much his mommy loved him and how he saved her. I truly believe he cemented my recovery, the day I saw him I vowed he would never see me as that shell I use to be starving and bleeding away to nothing. He is my reason for recovery, he is the reason I can say I will never let those demons back to the front of my mind. I was given a miracle and when God gives you a miracle you don't ask why you just say thank you.  Now, saying that I've found myself angry with God as I get sicker, sometimes praying and yelling that He can't mean for me to be taken away from the very miracle He gave me, how cruel that would be. Mind you this is me talking to God so it is usually a very bipolar conversation full of anger, sadness, joy, thankfulness, and about every other emotion you can think.
   Fear just has a way of eating at you and its hard to ignore it. I am grateful for being alive today and free from that darkness that almost ended me years ago. I sometimes think about the way things were back then I put all of my efforts into destroying myself, more than once almost succeeding. I was so lost in my head that I couldn't see a future all I saw was an escape plan and if it weren't for some miraculous friends showing up when they did I probably would have succeeded. I've been trapped in the darkness before and I understand the desperation to escape it, but I promise if you are there right now you can escape into light without hurting yourself. I spent so many years feeling trapped in the darkness, even in a group of people I felt like nothing I needed to escape, to run off and go cut or purge anything to just avoid being alone with the one person I couldn't handle...me.
   I know in my current medical situation everyone wonders how I hold it together, how I handle the bad news or bad emotions without turning to the old me. It is really simple, it triggers the hell out of me somedays to have a body that no longer does what I tell it to do, but at the end of the day my mind is free. I can smile and hug my son, I can play with him despite the pain going on with my malfunctioning organs, and I get to be a mommy. I'm aware there are no promises but I have today, just today to be just Andrea and just Damien's mommy. Maybe that isn't much for people who want to judge...I don't have a job or seemingly any positive influence on this world that I know of, but if they knew where I came from and can see me now I am a different person. I'm not a doctor but I'm a mother and was never suppose to be and I'm proud of that.
   Anorexic Andrea spent all of her time trying to be perfect, trying to make everyone else happy while slowly destroying herself from the inside out. I cared so deeply what everyone else thought of me and I wanted to be able to be fine for them. It took a long time for me to admit I wasn't fine and even longer to begin that climb out of the mud. Now I can say I am devoted to my son and devoted to helping others who are still clawing their way out of the mud and the muck. I no longer smile when I'm miserable or pretend to be ok when I'm not because I've understood that the clouds will always come back but I can make a choice to ride the storm out until the sun shines again or I can let the darkness overtake me and become empty again allowing my demons to rule me and there is no time for anyone else in your life when you let them in. Despite my fears and I promise there are a lot of them I push through and I will keep pushing through. I have survived the darkness and I will keep surviving and smiling and spending as much time with my son no matter how short it could be. I won't give up. I strongly encourage you to not give up because I promise you I hit absolute rock bottom and I came back and I promise so can you. Please never feel like you have nothing to offer because I promise you do. You are not alone, I'm here along with many others who have survived. Please don't let fear rule you...fear of the unknown, fear of recovery, fear of feeling, fear of finding that you deserve better. I believe in everyone, you can beat your demons and there is always help. I will help you if you wish just don't give up, please don't try to escape the wrong way it is not better. Please keep fighting.

Opinions on pro anorexia

   I was asked to discuss this topic by a beautiful young lady I talk to on facebook. Most people understand that anorexia and bulimia are very serious life threatening diseases that ruin your body and, in some cases cause death. There is a whole other world of believers out there that call themselves Pro anorexia, pro bulimia, or pro eating disorders. These groups mainly exist online and offer "support" to others usually just starting out in their eating disorders. If you've ever been to one you can see how frightening it really is.
   These people preach anorexia as a lifestyle choice rather than a disease. They post up tips and rules to avoid your body's signal that it needs food all the while teaching you how to get everything by your parents. You are expected to put your eating disorder and weight above everything else. People will sign up for group fast and they will remind you how weak you are if you give in and provide your body with fuel to run off of.
   Maybe you are wondering how I stumbled across these site, well I've always told my readers I would never lie and that fact still stands. I use to live by their rules and I was convinced that they were right and the "support" I was giving was the greatest advice I've ever had. Everyone in my life kept telling me I was so sick, how I had to eat survive and I was getting so fed up. Then I found these groups and everyone told me to keep going strong that nothing was more important than my anorexia. I kept being told this was a lifesytle choice not a disease that was killing me. I wore my braclets proud showing I was a true anorexic.
   Even when my parents put me in mccallum place to get me help I fought them...I fought the staff until one day another patient pulled me aside and told me the only way I would get out was to eat and they taught me how to fool them and exercise my way out. I listened to this patient and I allowed myself some food, not a lot just enough to get me out of inpatient and as soon as I got home I contacted my "friends" who all told me how awesome it was I got out and do on and encouraged me to lose the weight I had put on.
   I had blinders on, I couldn't see that the people running these groups were seriously sick individuals who were just trying to bring others down too. They enjoyed having other people they could relate to and if they could keep you believing that you were fine and everyone else was just trying to make you fat you would never see the truth. They made you believe when you looked in the mirror all you could find was problem areas and blinded you to the sickly reflection that everyone else saw.
    Anorexia and bulimia are not lifestyle choices they are a slow form of suicide. Trust me I understand the need to be the sickest, people couldn't possibility see how hardcore you were unless you got the tube down your nose to be force fed. You scream at everyone who tries to help you because you have it undercontrol...this is the lifestyle you have chosen and no one could take it from you.
   Here is the problem eventually you begin to realize what has happened. You have made it to where the only "friends" you have are girls online telling you how being skeletal is everything that the closer you get to zero the more control you have. Your family and real life friends have all been pushed away because there is only room for your eating disorder in your life. In my case, there was no room for me to go to the school I got a music scholarship, no room for a boyfriend, basically no room for any fun because you convinced yourself you didn't deserve it.
   That's the thing about your ED it is the ultimate liar telling you everyone hates you, you don't deserve food, you don't deserde to be loved or have a life outside of ED, and the biggest lie of all is that it is protecting you and never hurting you.
   Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any other mental disease. When you starve your body long enough your organs begin to shutdown and eventually your body can shut down too. Bulimia is a nasty way to go also, imagine going on a huge binge and then heading to the bathroom to purge but this time things go wrong, your overly distended stomach ruptures and you begin throwing up blood and need to be rushed to the hospital. I've seen the picture of a dead woman head in the toilet her body covered in what they thought were bruises but found out it was the contents of her stomach settling into her thighs. I don't see how anyone could see that as a lifestyle.
   Because of my eating disorder I've lost my health quicker than I should have. I'm twenty six years old and have spent more time in hospitals than most do in their life. I have a miraculous baby who will see his mommy go through a transplant and more surgeries. I've had over ninety procedures, I'm fed through a tube in my small intestine, and get my hydration through a central line in my heart. I live everyday scared to death that I won't see my son grow up, that he will never know how much I love him.
   I didn't write all of this to scare you but to show you the harsh reality of eating disorders. You might buy into its a lifestyle with no consequences but I promise you it is not. If you make the choice to keep your ED there is a good chance you will die alone and never know what you could have done with your life. You are precious and you were put here for more than just starving yourselves. I know when you are just starting and those claws are just digging in you can't see past that high you get off of the scale dropping everytime you stand on. Or the high of being empty, which was always one for me. Now that I have been in recovery for three years I would love to be able to enjoy all those foods I denied myself for so long and I have a stomach and intestines that don't work.
   I promise you those girls you meet in chat groups or websites aren't trying to be your friend they are dragging you down with them. Everyone seems to want someone to be misrerable with them. I spend my time trying to get those pro sites taken down they just keep popping as soon as we get one down. I know accepting the fact that you are sick can be difficult, but dying is so much worse. You cannot have a life and an eating disorder. I don't think I can say it any plainer than that. I'm not trying to scare people into recovery, but I know what happens if you can't find the help you need. Rather than having a life you will be in and out of hospitals and eventually like fighting for your life and trying to make ammends with a body you spent so many years trying to destroy. The people you meet in those groups are not friends, like I said they just want someone else to be as miserable as they are. There are plenty of pro recovery groups that can help those in need of finding treatment.
   I've heard of people especially young women say they want to be sick and anorexic or want to have a tube down their nose tied to a bed. It truly disturbs me...having a tube shoved down your nose while being held down against your will is not a prize for not eating...it is a life saving procedure that hurts more than I can describle. There are serious consequences to having an eating disorder...it is an illness and it will kill you. It is my hope that people who read my blog understand how serious this is and how quickly things can get I bad shape. I really hope people start to reach out for help...everyone is beautiful and more than a number!

Recovering vs recovered

   Even now three years into my recovery somedays I wonder if my demons will ever completely go away. I know this is a big debate between people, everyone has a different opinion on whether you can completely be recovered from your ED meaning you no longer are in that constant battle that one feels when recovering. Now before people start biting my head off, I'm not saying it is impossible, but saying that it might not be possible for everyone. I've never been shy about my struggles or tried to hide my past. I am not ashamed of what I did while I was sick, not proud but not ashamed. I hit the bottom, I lived in my own hell unable to find a way to escape. When I thought I couldn't endure anymore pain I swallowed enough pills to end up in the intensive care unit and even then I simply felt like more of a failure and fell deeper into it all. Three years ago I was convinced I would die starving and bloody because I couldn't begin to find a way to climb out.
   I didn't make the decision to try recovery overnight, I figured why try the docs tell me I'm chronic, that I will never stop. I gave up my hope and became the demon inside, when you spoke to me I could look through you planning my next session with a razor or deciding how I would or wouldn't nourish myself. I was dead inside...the Andrea that exsisted before the anorexia and the cutting wasn't there. I was mean to everyone who tried to save me, I was broken in everyway possible. I never thought I could come back. I met Josh and he immediately saw how bad the situation was and tired to jump in and save me like so many before had done. He found me as broken as anyone could be, I didn't want to live anymore after being raped, my mom dying and living with a guy who was just not good. He tried the way others did at first, forcing me to do things, hiding my meds and razors, and the list goes on. It wasn't long before he realized that I had to save myself, but he made the choice to be there for me, he made it ok for me to not be ok. He never told me I was a bad person or declared I would burn in hell for my sins, he never treated me like a child, and he offered me a level of respect that only one other person has ever given me. There was no quick fix, I had a hole of epic size to crawl out of and that starts first with reaching up.
   Here I am three years into my recovery and I am still climbing, I've fallen and been broken but I stood back up bloodied and bruised and started climbing again. These last few years have been the hardest in my life, I've had to learn to feel without running to a razor or using food and my body to deal. I won't lie my demons are still there, they hide in the fog and every so often they creep back in and try to drag me back. I still crave razorblades sometimes my skin crawls and I think how much I would love to numb out again and then I stop and realize that it has broken through and I am able to tell myself that it won't fix things I will only be letting my past win. I am not that shell anymore. I am a mother to the most amazing baby in the world and that is more important to than anything so I fight.
   I believe that some people will have the gift of being able to say they are completely recovered and that is so amazing but some will fight for their recovery their whole life. I know I'm the latter, I will always battle my demons and I'm okay with that it keeps me on my toes and doesn't let me forget where I came from. The anorexic cutter is still inside me, still clinging to that hope that I will breakdown. I fight my battles everyday and I will be damned if I don't win this war. I do hold strong in my recovery everyday, but I've been to hell and back and I can't forget it, I can't move on and say I'm recovered. For me that is dangerous I have to be constantly aware of myself and my thoughts, I'm just that kind of person.
   The pain I have from my past is still there it hasn't disappeared, but I can deal with it without surrendering. My skin crawls somedays for an edge so bad I have no words and somedays I think about not running my feeds and feeling empty and it is super tempting, but then I look at that beautiful boy and realize the old me who embraced my demons was selfish and once you are a mom there is no room for selfishness. I vowed the day I had him that he would never see his momma with cuts on her or visit me on an ED unit and that is one vow I will never break. He might see me in the hospital because of the gastroparesis, but he will never see the girl I use to be. It is bad enough that he could very well grow up without his mommy, he will remember me as the loving mom who would give her very life for him not some starved, cut up shell of a human being.
   I will battle this for the rest of my life, my arms will tingle for a razor and my mind will scream at me that I'm somehow weak for allowing nourishment, for not weighing eighty pounds and I will fight every lie that breaks through. I am proud of my recovery but not naive its a battle that I could lose if I take my guard down. I saw the way it was going to end three years ago, it is a miracle I survived because I probably shouldn't have. Before I began my climb out of hell I overdosed three times almost succeeding if not for a friend breaking in that wasn't suppose to be there, I needed six stitches to close a cut in my wrist, and I was needing to be kept at the hospital just to make sure they could stablize my nutrition. Recovery is not easy, its messy and you won't be perfect but its worth it. I might not be completely free from my demons but I can now push them back and not give in. The end result of keeping your behaviors is death and trust me I didn't believe that when it first started but once I hit that bottom death was all there was if I couldn't climb out. If I wouldn't have reached up I would be in the ground with my mother today. You cannot live with an ED, it will pull you until there is nothing and no one left but you and your eating disorder and that is a very lonely place. Please don't give up just keep fighting because it is worth it.