A letter to a 15 year old me

To my 15 year old self, 
     I know it has been hard, as a little girl you cried when you heard them screaming, you cried when mom moved us to grandma's house, and you blamed yourself when you found out that they were getting divorced. You were a little girl trying to hold a family together, and slowly pulling yourself apart. You always had one steady rock with you no matter what she was there...grandma. The time you lived there was probably some of the best times of your young life, being with the person who made you feel loved and safe all the time, played with you, and never wanting you to be anything more than her 'Andi'...a kid. But the pain was still there as you watched dad make a new family, mom drink more and more, and then you get told that mom is remarrying and you won't be at grandma's anymore. 
     You tried your best to shove everything inside, tried to be the best in school, sports, band, and everything else. You learned how to keep secrets for your parents, secrets that no kid should be incharge of. I remember how you felt inside, how all the criticisms mom made trying to make you better made you crumble, and I know how it felt when dad quit softball, how you felt like a stranger in his house. I'm surprised you made it to 15 before things fell apart because you were carrying such a heavy burden for so long, and no one had a clue. No one asked about the bruises from the nights mom went away and the whiskey came out, no one was in the car as you were swerving around the roads trying to comfort you baby sister in the backseat praying we made it home, they didn't have to slap her in the face after putting the baby to bed to make sure she was alive, and so much more. Grandma knew something was wrong, but she also knew you well enough to know you wouldn't open up, so on the nights when mom was out and Eric was at work she would keep you company as you watched Kelly. By that time, I know grandma was not able to be the physically strong woman she had been before the cancer and the chemo destroyed her lungs, but she was just as onry and stubborn emotionally, and promised she would always be there for you.
      At 15 your threw yourself into music, eventually becoming captain of my drumline, and throwing yourself into music and try outs. It made you happy, it made things feel safe, and you are good at it. Mr. P and Mr. J had become like family over the years esp, and so many close bonds with people from that time that you will still have to today. At that same time you found another way to get better control over yourself, don't be ashamed, one day you stepped on a scale, not liking what you saw, you went on a diet. But, the diet didn't seem to be enough. Your focus turned quickly to weightloss, it didn't start out as anorexia, but it climbed that way very quickly. You would weigh at least eight times a day, purge if you took in anything, and you stopped eating. Of course people complimented the weight loss at first, your bad family didn't buy, and it became harder to keep up with the lies, all the fear and pain was just so much, so you found yourself one day with a razor in your hand and you dug into your flesh, watching you pain drip out of you you thought you had found what was best for you. At fifteen you were a lost, broken girl, praying to be saved. 
     I am going to tell you the absolute truth right now, those band kids, and two band dads are going to save you when you are in your senior year. They are going to find out your secrets with cutting and the anorexia, and they are going to get you through that year. That year had a lot of personal problems with family, but brought on so much amazement when I realized all the people I had standing behind me, even as far as my best friend in Texas. You are going to win awards you've never thought you could get, and it will be a heartbreaking day after graduation, and you are suppose to go to Missouri State on scholarship for music performance and education. This next part is going to make you feel like you would have made better choices, or possibly wish you wouldn't have made it that far. 
     You will enter into your first inpatient eating disorder center on your 19th birthday, spending Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's days at McCallum Place. You fought them every step of the way and you will end up leaving more dedicated to your eating disorder than ever. So, your parents are going to send you to college where you will meet a great group of friends, some of which still stay in touch today. They will watch you relapse after you two months with Mark and Maggie before school started getting stabilized I still failed. And, by December I would be led into the hospital by two close friends, they led me to my room, and proceeded to put a feeding tube down my nose. 
     You will fight this battle for eight years, and there will be times you try to give up, but everytime you get up you find yourself stronger. And, at some point down this road you will see why recovery is so important, you will meet your husband, and the Lord will give you the miracle of a little boy. The years of torment on your body have caused severe damage, and I promise it is a tough road. The road isn't always sunshine and butterflies, but when you look in your son's eyes it will all be worth it. Don't get discouraged by the trials that are going to come ahead of you, you will have people that will come into your life to help you, you will develop bonds thicker than blood. You are going to be a wife and mom to an amazing kid, but you have to keep getting up, even when it is the last thing you could ever want to do in some of these times, but I'm telling you the future has light in it, you can learn what happy means. 
     The best I can tell you exactly fifteen years of where you are now is that you have to keep getting up, keep fighting, hold onto that strength because I know you can.
                                            Always rise when you fall- Andrea aged 30