June 9, 2009 seemingly started like every other day. The world was waking up, turning on the news, drinking their coffee, and watching the last minute traffic report before they went off to the other room to get ready to head off to work. I wasn't much different, I had gotten out of bed, obviously I had no where to go, but I unhooked my tube feeds and I walked around the apartment making sure it was just me and the cat as usual. For some reason this day felt different for me, I grabbed a clean pair of pajama pants and tee shirt and umped in the shower. By this point everyone thought I had gotten it out of my system, I had already attempted to kill myself, it was seen as a cry for help, they same sure my blood work looked okay and with my assurance that I was an accident they let me go right back home with my back of pills all prescribed by the same shrink. The only problem is that they were all wrong, I was in the darkest place I had ever been in my life. One of my friends had spent every free moment she had watching me, saving me from myself, but she had to work eventually and I had to be left alone. She had begged the doctors not to send me home, begged them to see that I was in trouble, and none of them would listen.
So, here I was alone, 23 years old trapped in my anorexia covered in cuts, blaming myself for my mom's death, and dealing with horrible nightmares of the rape that had happened to me just a year before. No one had helped me face any of that, and I hurt so bad just to breathe. When I looked at the bag full of those pills and the thought came over me that I was going to crush all those meds and push them inside my j tube, a direct line to my intestine. And, contrary to popular belief there was no selfish thought in my mind, I thought that I was doing everyone a favor by taking myself out of this world, no one would have to worry about me, wouldn't have to wonder if I was eating, purging, cutting, or doing something else to harm self. It was almost like watching myself from a distance crushing up these pills one after another, knowing that the combination would put me to sleep and I would never wake up again, I would never disappoint my family and friends again...that was literally the lie that was repeating over and over in my head.
Once I had everything set up I sat on my bed and before I pushed that syringe down my tube I grabbed my razor and I drug it across my wrist, one last time I would believe the lie that my blood was my pain pouring out of my body, and that cut released endorphins that calmed me enough to pick up that syringe, open the J port on my tube, and I pushed a lethal dose of prescription medication into my intestine. I curled up on my bed hugging my teddy bear waiting for it to happen, and then my phone chimed loudly enough to cause me to jump. I picked up my phone, and with the meds already kicking in I couldn't make out much of what was said, but I knew it was from my friend Kelli who lived states away, who I only knew from facebook. She had sent me a txt to ask me how I was doing and let me know that she was there for me and she was worried about me. In my drugged brain I thought I txt her back that I was fine, but what she got was a jumble of letters that made absolutely no sense.
Now Kelli got that txt and there were a number of things she could have done with it, the first one being just ignoring me, thinking I was just being stupid or accidently sent her that jumble of letters. She could have thought something may have been wrong, but that it was none of her business and moved on with her day. She didn't do any of those things, she tore her room apart to find a letter I had written her months before to find my address. She got on the phone with the authorities and all the way from Montana got the ambulance, fire department, and police to my apartment in Missouri. The broke in my house and found me barely breathing laying on my bed, my blood pressure was barely registering by the time they got there...I was dying. They got me in the ambulance and I quit breathing completely, and by the grace of God tey brought me back. I came to enough in the trauma room to find a friend of mine telling me that she would be going to the courthouse with another friend to put me on a 96 hour hold, and then I was out again until an ICU doc came in and grabbed my face, I remember everything he said to me. "Andrea, you are very sick, you are probably going to stop breathing again and I will put a tube down your throat, I am not going to let you die, and when you wake up it will be in the intensive care unit tied to the bed if you fight me". With that I passed back out.
When I opened my eyes late that afternoon I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I had tubes coming out of everywhere, but when I looked at the window I saw the sun, the wind in the trees, and for the first time in so long I welcomed the pain because it meant that I was alive. God had saved me that day for some reason that I couldn't even have guessed at the time, He had a friend from states away that I had only known from FB check on me, and gave her the wisdom to call for help when most people would have just left it go. I should have died that day and I learned what the meaning of grace was first hand. That was the day I realized that I wanted to live, I didn't know how to do it how to make the pain bearable without starving and cutting, but I knew that I didn't want to die. It would be a long, slow battle up hill for me to find recovery, but here I am seven years later to the day in recovery with my beautiful fie year old cuddled up next to me sleeping.
There are no words that I can say to express the gratitude I have to Kelli, for seeing more than just a gibberish txt that most would have ignored. She is my hero, and I pray one day I can tell her face to face how thankful I am that she was in my life. You never know who God is going to place in your life to rescue you when you are too far gone to rescue yourself. I hope that by sharing this story more people take Kelli's actions to heart, that they don't blow off someone in need, that they follow their heart because they may just save a life. Hereos come in all shapes and sizes and can show up anywhere. You never know when you might be someone's hero.
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