My Bucket List

My Bucket List

     Over the past few months I have been thinking a lot about the things I hope to accomplish before my time on this Earth is done. We've known for a long time now that my life is precious, the first time they told us that I would die was the day we found out that I was pregnant with Damien. For three hours they told us that I would never survive and neither would the baby...nine months later we proven them wrong. Then they told me when I was laying in the hospital in kidney failure that I would never see 28...28 came and went. And, they they stood at the end of my hospital bed during a bad case of sepsis...had three bacteria in my blood and yeast in my blood stream as well. They told us that I would most likely stop breathing, but I didn't...two weeks later I left the hospital. They all said I would never be 30 and coming up on December 20th 2015 I will be 30 years old. We aren't naive, I am still very sick. I have short gut, gastroparesis, Long QT syndrome, and severe tachycardia, along with all the other serious organ issues that come with the disease getting worse. I have been blessed to have my son for the past five years and I pray to have him for many more, but I thought it was time to start working on my bucket list because there are some things I would really like to accomplish before the Lord decides that it is my time to come home. Now it is time to put some of my wishes and dreams in a list, I hope people don't find me too silly.

1. One of my biggest wishes (a personal wish) is to meet the band Tenth Avenue North before my transplant. I was truly blessed that they invited me to see their show in August, I really want to get to speak with them in person and share with them how much of an impact they have made on my life. I know to some this wish sounds childish, but Mike's testimony and video diaries really helped me to turn away from my demons during some hard times. #TenthAvenueNorth 

  2. Years ago when I moved to Columbia I was blessed to meet a whole group of people who took me in like family and loved on me despite my anorexia and cutting. They prayed with me and for me, and went out of their way to look after me. They took me into their home and poured into me. Jon and Veronica treated me like a true family member going out of their way to take me with them during Christmas time and encourage me, sometimes having to force me to eat. They showed me Christ's love lived out. Them along with Andy, Sasha, Delilah, Christian, Ryan, Chrystal, Broc, and so many more poured into me and got me back into the Word of the Lord again. My inability to recover caused stress between us and eventually our friendship was broken. I have prayed and found it on my heart that I would really like to have a conversation with them and mend that relationship before my transplant or before the Lord has called me home. I have come a long way since the last time they have seen me and I hope to show them that I am not that same girl they once knew many years ago.

     3. I desperately long to mend the relationship with my family. I said some pretty stupid things years ago to my family while I was still wrapped up in all the hurt and pain from my anorexia and self harm. Being sick I have learned that time is too precious, and I don't want to die without them knowing how much I love and appreciate them. I know that most of them don't want to talk to me and that hurts my heart, but I brought it on myself. My goal is to reach out and let them know how much I want them to know me and know my family. When the time for my transplant comes I want my family to be there waiting for me to wake up, or if I am being called home I want to be surrounded by those who knew me best. I am asking for forgiveness that I don't deserve, but we are family and at the end of the day we are suppose to be there for each other. I am far from perfect, but I am asking that you love me despite my many imperfections. I long for you guys to know me flaws and all, and I hope that someday learning the real me will make you proud. I spend so many years smiling and pretending to be the Andi I thought you wanted, but I want to be the real Andi and I long for you to know me, and I pray you will give me the chance.

     4. Though I am weak I am going to fight my hardest to write a book, to share my story, my fight through anorexia, cutting, surviving rape, abuse, and showing that there is a light to be found in that dark world. I want people to know that no matter how dark your life seems right now that there is a light just waiting to come through, and for me that light was the Lord. He brought me back from a starved, bloody and suicidal state. He found me laying in that bed in the ICU and gave me a reason to fight, it was a slow fight, but a fight that brought me back to the land of the living. So before this body is done on this earth I plan on sharing as much as much book as possible, I pray that this doesn't cause discord with all those I am fighting to mend with, but to help them understand the fight that was going on inside of me all those  years, and explain the anger that came out towards them that I never truly meant. 

     5. I pray to have a reunion with Mr. P, Mr. Jackson, Beth, Dowdy, Koontz and some of my favorite band kids. To get together and express my deepest things for them fighting so hard to keep me safe from myself, but also making me the best musician that I could be. I am sorry that I let you down and didn't take my talent on to major in music somewhere. Mrs. Beth, you knew so much of my pain and you never judged me...I loved you, loved all of you so much, and I long to see you before I find myself facing transplant. You were a blessing in my life. 

     6.Mark, my brother who always looked out for his very messed up little sister. I owe owe you so much, and I pray that as part of my list I will get to sit with you in person and say all the things that I've wanted to say to you in person, all the thank yous for saving me even when I was mad at you and thought I didn't need you to save me anymore. You were the beginning of my recovery, and for someone being so young and so stubborn you helped me in the very beginning to find my faith again and you've always been there . I pray that you and Julie will sit and listen to the many thanks I have for you and the gifts I have to give you. I hope to wake up from my transplant to you guys being there because I love you like my family.

     

     7.Dr. David Paul Robinson....you would have to know that you would be on my bucket list. I want nothing more than to spend some time with you before I face this transplant or before I am called home. There are so many thank yous that have gone unspoken, but you saved my life when I didn't want to save my own. I owe you everything. You took care of the starved and cut up little girl that came into your clinic every week. You and Roma fought for me when I couldn't fight for me. You were there when I was raped, you came to sit with me every single day I was admitted and laughed at our attempt to build Dr. Dumpy. You saved our lives and introduced me to one of the greatest girls I ever had the privilege to know....Danielle Peterson. You believed in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves. 

     8. There are so many things that my parents need to know, they need to know I love them, but part of my bucket list is that they sit quietly and listen to all the things I need to tell them without speaking, without judging, and just maybe by the end of it all they will be proud of me.

     9.My husband and my son....I need them to know that I have given everything for them and no matter how sick I get I will not stop protecting them. Part of my bucket list is that we start doing videos that Josh is required to show Damien everyday after I am gone so he knows that he had a mom that would do anything for him. I have spent that little boy's whole life sick, but there are videos and books that I want him to read so he knows what his mommy stood for and that she would do anything in this entire world to protect him and teach him how to be ready to face life. Above all I want Damien to know that there is a God above him who is watching over him, and that he has to accept him into his heart and he will have a God that will be there even in the darkest days that life has in store for him. I want him to know that Mommy will never leave no matter what. 

     10. I want to leave a legacy...not be famous, but leave a legacy. I want to do my best to raise awareness for gastroparesis and short gut and esp raise awareness for eating disorders and self harm. It is incredibly important to me to leave an imprint in this world, I don't need fame and fortune, I want to make a difference to all those who are fighting and dying from diseases or suffering in silence from mental illness because so many myths leave people ashamed to step out and ask for the help they desperately need. My goal before I leave this world is to make all those myths disappear and make treatment available for those in need. I long to make my family proud of me.

    11. One little selfish secret to the bucket list is that I've wanted to meet Josh Groban since I was a kid.