After waiting seven days in this hospital bed I am finally having the major surgery we've been waiting for months on I find myself terrified. My labs have stabilized, my heart looks strong, and I am essentially stable at this point. I sat here today as they went through it with me, how it was going to be major, they are going to make a midline incision, and it was going to take a long time. They assured me that everything would be okay, and reminded me that this will be a tough recovery. I am generally fine going into surgery, I don't lose sleep over it, and I don't find myself up blogging about my anxiety the night before...here I am.
     I think it is a combination of things that have me sitting here at 12:30 unable to sleep despite the IV medication pouring into me. The fact that Josh isn't here is messing with me, he has always been there to hold me and kiss me before they take me back to that OR, and he reminds me that everything is going to be okay. The fact that I don't have that is scary, scared that I will never see him again. Then there is the fact that I don't have my lil man, I haven't held him in my arms in seven days, and it is breaking my heart. I know that I couldn't have found a better place for him to stay while I recover from this surgery, or two people I trust more. I know that he is being loved on and encouraged while he is away from me the next few weeks. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like part of me is missing, and my fear since the day I found out that I had him inside my belly was that I would die before he ever got to know me as his mommy...it is heartbreaking. The icing on this anxiety cake is that fact that I lost my grandma, the only blood relative I have left that loved me, that looked at me and saw more than just the trash that the rest of them see. She was the only woman left on that side of the family that was still alive...my mom died, great grandma died, and now my grandma dies. All I can think is "I'm next", and I'm so scared.
     Being here away from Josh and our lil man makes me feel like my heart is somewhere else, it reminds me how I need them. They are the glue that holds me together, that gives me the courage to fight through everyday, to fight through the anorexic thoughts that try to break in everyday, fight through the urges to go back to a blade, and most of all to fight this disease and all the pain it brings. I can't even fathom not waking up from that surgery, not holding my baby ever again, or seeing my husband. I know that it is going to be okay, but there is always that little piece that scares the hell out of me. I'm so scared, I've never been this scared going into a surgery before.
     Being away from Josh, having to send Damien away for me to have surgery, and grandma dying really just made things weigh on me. I feel like I can't breathe some days, and I want to fall apart and cry until I can't cry anymore. It seems like all my life I think things are going to be okay and then the other shoe drops and it is another tragedy, more pain. God gave me such a wonderful gift when he gave me lil man and I spend all my time wondering when that shoe is going to drop. I just want to see my son grow, so the most awful thing that I can think of is He takes me away from him for good, and this surgery scares the crap out of me. can't even type anymore, I'm just going to pray and hope that my next update is after this surgery is finally over and done with.