Forgiveness

     I've had something on my heart lately, and I haven't been sure how to express it. I talk about this topic sometimes, but I haven't done a post strictly on it this deeply.
    About six and a half years ago I can remember my world falling apart, I felt broken, dirty, ashamed, and so much more than I can put into words. I was 21 years old standing in the yard of a Women's Shelter hiding from the guy who at the time I thought took everything away from me. I was starved, bloody, and felt like I could never overcome this...never get over what happened to me. I was on the phone with probably my best friend and I remember him listening to me telling me that it wasn't my fault, but there is one thing that sticks out about that conversation. After I was raging and pouring out hatred on this man he told me, "Andrea, you have to learn how to forgive him".
    Needless to say that conversation ended abruptly with me yelling back about not having to forgive this monster, he took from me what was mine to give away...he didn't deserve my forgiveness, he deserved horrible things, or so I thought at the time. I held a hate for that man so far down in my heart that it was poisoning me, feeding the thoughts that already raged inside me screaming I was worthless, pathetic, damaged, and now I was a whore because this was my fault...my no wasn't enough therefore I wasn't enough. I can say now that those are all lies...I was none of those things, but I couldn't believe it and I went on starving, bleeding, and eventually trying to take my own life. I would dream about him every night and wake up screaming, my solution to that was to take an obscene amount of medication that a doctor just kept on dishing out when it was clear that I was absolutely not okay.
     When I went through everything the detectives asked me to do and he admitted to what he did I thought that I would have comfort, and yet I felt like that was ripped away when a prosecutor told us in a conference that he didn't think taking it to trial was a good idea because even with the phone call confession a jury could be hung. He went on to let me know that only three percent of forcible rape cases are prosecuted because when it is done by a boyfriend or a date rape situation most of the time it becomes his word against yours and the male members of the jury sympathize. I was devastated to say the least. This guy took from me what I never told him he could have, and despite years of showers there are times when I feel like I am still unable to get clean. I cry and beg for strength to realize that I am mended, you can see my cracks, but they are holding strong with the glue the Lord has given me.
     Through all of this my friend would still tell me to forgive, and I would fight that as hard as possible. I allowed the hate to take over, and in the end I wasn't even hating him I was hating me. I had let this happen...I was in the wrong, if I hadn't let him be there then it wouldn't have happened, if I had been more assertive he would have stopped, and the "ifs" just added up and piled up on my chest more and more everyday. I was afraid all the time, I would dream he was coming back, and I would relive everything, all the time hating me because I figured they didn't punish him because I was in the wrong. I didn't want to be touched, I couldn't talk about it, and I couldn't let it go. All the while my friend is whispering to me, in a very supportive way that if I could find a way to forgive him I could start to heal.
      Every year on April 8th I've fallen apart in the past, every year I remembered it was the day and my whole universe was bad even after I started to recover. I remember when the statute on limitations came up on the case and I was just devastated that he was allowed to walk around and not be punished for what he took from me, for destroying me. Then last year April 8, it came and went without me even realizing. In fact, I didn't even notice until Josh told me the next day how proud of me he was that I made it through the day without falling apart or refusing to sleep...my day was not another PTSD flashback, it was just another day with the man I love and the lil man I adore more than anything in this world. It was around that time that I realized what my friend had been saying all those years, and it was time for me to begin to let it go. By not remembering the day, that was what I needed to realize that I had made it through all of that. I no longer hold hate for him, in all honesty he barely crosses my mind when I am awake, and when the nightmares are back, once I am awake and reminded that I am safe and it was a dream there is still not hate. He did what he did and I've been called by the Lord to love him, despite his sin or wickedness it is not my job to judge him or hate him. I let it go and have felt a freedom that I can't explain, it is like the poison that I was spewing on myself  became weaker. Believe me I still have my moments where I am feeling worthless and damaged, but the weight of that burden, that hate isn't there anymore. Forgiveness set me free, and I pray for him that he has found his way back on a path that doesn't involve hurting others.
     I know forgiveness is hard and believe me I can still catch myself holding onto things that have happened that I should let go and forgive the parties involved, and I know that it is going to take time. It has taken six years for me to get to the point to say that I have no hate in my heart towards that man, for what he took from me. I am back together now, and maybe you can see my cracks, but I feel whole. I know what it is like to want to hold onto hate, I have struggled with it recently with events in my life, but the more I clutch onto that hate and anger the more I find myself slipping away, being drowned by all of it again. I have not faced the guy during this time, and I'm not sure if I will ever see him again, but in my heart I have forgiven him for raping me physically and emotionally. I don't define myself as a victim of rape rather a survivor, I have made it to the other side and learned how to give grace so I can receive it. The situation can still sting at times, but it no longer defines me...I am no longer angry. I pray I can learn to forgive all the wrongs of my life including myself...it is a process that doesn't happen overnight, but it means something to set all of that darkness free...it takes one tear in the dark for a small ray of light to shine through and it is my intention to tear it apart one piece at a time.