Sometimes you have to claw and yell to get what you need

   What are most people doing in their mid twenties? They are graduation college, deciding over graduate school or career, settling down and even marrying that special someone, there is talk of kids, dogs, and buying that special dreamhouse. Your life has just begun, all of those years of studying have paid off along with those many hangovers that got the drinking out of your system. Your life is just beginning or at least that is what it is suppose to be.
   I learned a long time ago that thoase "suppose tos" don't really happen for everyone. By the time I was eighteen and ready to embark on the next charpter of my life I was already consumed by my anorexia, bulimia and self harm. I was a walking talking time bomb. By the time I made it to school I spent more time laying in hospital beds being fed through a tube down my nose than attending classes. And, that is how it was for year after year....catch Andrea, shove things down her nose and in her veins...save her from herself again.
   I made huge mistakes, lost friends, lost family all because I was trapped in that anorexic self destructive mind set. I was raped, lost my great grand dad, my mom and the family dog all within a few months. I had a breakdown. I ended up getting with a man who could be my dad, we had a ceremony and I praise Jesus that I never signed that certificate. What followed was more tragedy....I was diagnosed with sever gastroparesis, they removed my stomach, I was back on j tube feeds, I overdosed ending up in the intensive care, and I was pretty much ready to give up.
   By 23 I had hit rock bottom and out of nowhere Josh came into my life and got me ro stand up again. He couldn't save me but he offered me an escape I didn't think I had. It became a slow, up hill battle to get to the surface. I can't lie somedays it was two steps forward and four steps back, but slowly and surely I began that long road to recovery. By this time we knew I was sick with gastroparesis but did not know the extent of the damage.
   Skipping ahead, here I am 26 yrs the mommy of the most beautiful, blue eyed miracle God granted me. The gastroparesis has made my stomach useless, for now we have intestines that are faultering also, constantly losing access for feed tube. I have a j tube to get my medicince, my tube feeds, I have a port in my chest to make sure I can stay hydrated. Eventually transplant is on the table but for now we use pain meds to keep me functioning and being a good mommy which I could hide the pain for him anyday. The docs all say the same thing...we know the scary truth I might not make it another ten, twenty, thirty years, but we don't dwell on that we fight for a cure and don't let the disease take us down.
   I blog and I am so brutally honesy because I pray for all of you trapped in your eating disorders not considering the consequences. Fact is it will shorten your life some don't even make it to recovery. You deserve better than that, you deserve to live your dreams. Fight for recover, claw, kick and scream to hold onto your recover. Its a choice, if I would have made the choice to recover I might not be bedridden facing my 90th surgery or spending every waking second with my son terrified I don't have another day. You deserve recover please fight for it.

Monday's events

   This post is a little different than usual. When I woke up Monday I didn't feel much different than usual, dehydrated, weak, and dizzy. We just figured it was from being unable to run fluids or tube feeds for awhile. Those are symproms I live with everyday so I really just pushed through as usual. We took Damien to my parent's house and headed to see the surgeon to discuss the j tube problems that have been going on. The doctor was so brutally honest I can't help but respect him for that. He explained the tube wasn't malfunctioning it was simply my intestines worsening at a quicker rate than we hope. He said we are pretty much out of accesses and he wouldn't risk losing maybe the one or two left in my intestine. He informed us that unless GI at Wash U has a miracle up their sleeves I'm going to need to start working with the transplant people...officially terrified.
   Needless to say I was discouraged. When we got home I put on my pjs and ended getting sick after eating a few pretzels. I knew I just needed two lay down. As I reached up to grab the movie and the next thing I know I was laying on the floor and Josh was on the phone with paramedics. Before I could totally understand what was going on there were a room full of guys surrounding me asking me questions and making sure I didn't try to get up. They were concerned about how I hit my head so I had to be strapped to a backboard with a c collar on...fun times.
   The ride to the hospital was surprisingly fast and I went out of it again in the ambulance and they were great about waking me up. They got me to the ER and my port was accessed for dilaudid and a very large dose of LRs and potassium. My EKG was abnormal with prolounged QT issues which they said was probably the result of severe malnutrition. Once they tanked me up and and got my vitals and labs under control they let me leave.
   My fear has kicked in completely. For the first time ever he was honest and said surgically we had no options besides transplant after spending tons of time looking over my CT. I'm terrified of transplant....I was suppose to have a few more years. Now with them wanting to being TPN back and my already countless line infections I will get listed soon. I worry about Josh and Damien...I know my parents will take him whenever I need help but still. I'm the mommy and I'm suppose to be here.
   I'm sharing this with you because like I've said secrets will not help anyone and if my history can help someone then I'm going to be as brutally honest as can be. If you ever have a topic you want covered or just questions feel free to ask. I am an open book. I spent too long hiding behind my ED and self harm now its time to use my past demons for good. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read or ask questions.