Backstory

My parents were divorced by the time I was eight, my dad remarried when I was ten to a woman who I know consider a mother but then resented for taking my dad and bringing in another kid. Me and mom lived at grandma's house mainly because grandma would raise me while mom went out and had a good time. I guess now would be the time to insert that my mom was an alcoholic and it would be the cause of her death years later. Now, did this cause my eating disorder...not exactly. I survived for years still chubby playing softball and getting awards. My mom was anorexic or at least had tendencies often offerring to buy me new clothes if I lost ten pounds teaching me weight loss tips. My mom also pushed me to be the best I could be...in my house anything below an A meant you weren't trying and an award for fine arts was pointless and an embarrassment. It was around this time I started throwing myself into music and isolating from everything...stopped visiting my dad and spent most of my free time take care of my new baby sister. I saw my mom start drinking more and more and she would say and do some awful things and it seemed the more she drank the more my diet became an obsession and soon a full blown eating disorder. By my summer band camp I was drinking one slimfast shake a day, downing diet dr pepper, and doing crunches in my rm. She would be drunk every night while my stepdad worked and I would pick fights to protect her from lashing out at my oone year old sister after an hour of getting pushed around and torndown to feel like nothing I would retreat to my room and cut myself all so I could go to school and put on a happy face...I couldn't tell anyone including my dad and stepmom the hell I was living at home. At this point I realized my behaviors weren't normal but it was too late I was stuck with that voice in my head screaming for me not to eat or purge if I did, telling me that I had to go to the bathroom five times a day and strip just to weigh myself. I thought I had control...I thought I could hide this forever I could keep losing wt and make my mom proud, I could cut at night and bleed out all the bad feelings and then go to school smiling pretending like everything was fine...no one had to know my secrets...it was my business...the fact I came home to get beat on and torn down every night by my alcoholic mother was something I could deal with now. I wanted everyone to think I had it together...I wanted to control a home life that wasn't ever going to happen and I thought that maybe if I threw myself into school and kept losing wt my mom could be happy and stop drinking so I kept slicing myself up, starving, and purging hoping no one would notice I was falling a part...they did.