It was April 8, 2007 when something happened to me that would change my life forever. It took me years to make the decision that I wouldn't let it rule my life, but every year on this date I am reminded what was taken from me, and I think about all the other women who have been through the same thing and haven't come out of it the way I have.
I thought he was my boyfriend, he was coming over while my parents were in Arkansas to take me to my family's annual Easter get together where the little kids would hunt for Easter eggs, the other activities to keep the adults busy, and the big buffet to feed my very large family. I thought I was like a grown up, 21 years old I even made my own dessert to add to the dessert buffet like a grown up. I was going with a boy for the first time, and my parents weren't going to be there. He stayed the night, knowing that I wasn't ready or willing to take any steps in a sexual direction. He told me he respected me for wanting to wait, saying how if I wasn't sure he didn't want to pressure me...I believed him...I was wrong.
When I went to sleep that night he was asleep on the couch in the living room watching "The Departed"and by morning I awoke to a half naked dude wrapped up around me. I didn't freak out at first, I thought maybe he was trying to wake me up nicely by cuddling up with me. We lay there for a minute, but it didn't take long for me to pick up on his intentions. He was hugging and kissing me and the next thing I know he had lost his bottoms and ripped my off as well. I told him no, I begged him no, but he didn't listen, and I was too weak and afraid to overtake him. All I could do was crawl out of my head and try to go someone where else until he let go away of me. I ran to the bathroom and cried when I jumped in the bathroom to wash off the blood, everything hurt so bad as I heard him knock on the door asking if I were okay as if nothing happened. It took me two hours to get him to leave my house and I basically fell apart, and thought I couldn't tell anyone because who would believe me, it had to be my fault, I was now dirty.
My parents didn't notice I wasn't eating because of my anorexia I barely ate as it was, long sleeves covered up the cuts which weren't a surprise to my parents, but I was surprised they didn't notice I stopped sleeping in my bed. I would sleep curled up on my floor hating myself, blaming myself for what happened. I trusted him, that is why I allowed him to stay with me before we were suppose to go meet my family for Easter...big mistake. The hardest part was putting on a smile when my parents came home from Arkansas because I know they would some how not understand what happened to me, and it would be my fault. The weeks that followed sent me in a downward spiral...I wanted to die.
If God hadn't gotten involved and sent me to Columbia to stay with my friend Sarah who had invited me to a retreat for a weekend. I remember getting there and going to for a walk to the park. As we were swinging it all started to pour out of me, out of nowhere I said, "It wasn't my fault", and my friend began coaxing me to get me to tell he what had happened, and by the end I started blaming myself, saying that my no must not have been strong enough, I didn't fight enough. She immediately stepped in and made sure my doc found out that I needed to see him and by the next afternoon I was sitting in the good doc's office as raw as I have ever been in front of anyone.
"Did he rape you"? the good doc said quietly as I sat in the chair next to him not making eye contact with him or Sarah. When I finally told him what had happened I blamed myself and said I wanted to die. He had me escorted the ER, and eventually admitted me to the usually adolescent medical unit that I had been on for my eating disorder many times. He put me on suicide watch and anorexia protocol. Despite my trauma I had to eat my snack within a set time frame or I would be force fed. I wasn't new to this rule, but for some reason that night I decided it didn't apply to me, and each time the nurse asked me to take a bite for over a hour I just looked away. She quietly gathered up my tray, walked out of the room, and fifteen minutes later in walked in the on call resident. It was all too much for me that night, and I told them that tube was not going down my nose...a few nurses and docs later the tube was down my nose. I had fought them with everything I had to stop that tube from going in, but they won in the end, and I knew if I pulled it out then I would be strapped down and it would go back in.
For three days I sat in the hospital with a sitter in the room barely talking to people except the good doc and two very good friends. When I was finally stable enough to leave the hospital it was only the beginning of a very long road of healing. I was constantly on edge, I couldn't handle being around guys that I didn't know, didn't like to be alone, and finally I got the gentle shove from my friends to go to the police department. I shared my story, which was even more complicated because it happened in a different county, and in the end I was given a bed in the Women's Shelter and a restraining order was sent to him. The process they put rape victims through is rough, lawyers try to corner you and intimidate you into backing off, but I was lucky to have someone called a DOVE advocate who stood with me and went clean off on the dirt bag lawyer who was trying to intimidate me. In the end the restraining order was granted, but again that was just the beginning.
Before he was served with his restraining order the detective from the other county came down and had me to a cold call. I had to call this man that hurt me, all the while sounding calm. The goal of that call was to get him to admit that he heard me say no and he kept going anyway. We left that call thinking we had succeeded because he admitted to what he did, and I thought he would pay for what he did to me. Weeks later we sit in a room with the prosecuting attorney and a ton of other people, and they tell me despite the 'cold call' having a confession there was still no way to know for sure they could get all the jurors to believe that it was rape. I cried, fell apart thinking that it must have been my fault since they won't do anything about it. The therapists at the shelter tried their best to help me through, but I fell into a really dark place.
I lived in a dark place for a very long time, esp since only a few months after all of this happened my mom died. I essentially checked out. I didn't care about living....I was happy to let my anorexia have me, didn't care about cutting, and eventually didn't care about living. I became a walking zombie unable to really even show love to anyone, I didn't think I deserved to be loved, or that anyone could ever love someone as damaged and dirty as me. It was around that time that I attempted to take my own life.
People who have never been in the situation where you are so desperate that you are willing to end you life have no idea what it is like. You aren't thinking clearly, you are in so much pain, and you think that you are doing the world a favor by taking yourself out of it. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted everything to stop. I was blessed that a friend found me and the ICU docs kept me alive, and I realized that God didn't think I was damaged or filthy, He was meeting me where I was ...laying hooked up to all those machines in the intensive care unit. That was just the first steps in realizing that I wanted to live and that what happened to me did not have to define me.
Every year April 8 comes along, and though I have forgiven him for what he did I still find myself wanting to hide from the day because the wound never fully goes away, but it does mend. I spent years refusing to forgive him, but all that time the only person that I was hurting was me because my anger and bitterness wasn't stopping him from living his life, so I had to let go. As I let go, I realized I could breathe a little bit more, and a little bit more as more time passed. And, here I am now writing this, sharing something with the world that I never thought anyone could know or they would think I was some filthy, worthless person. I've learned people don't think that. I don't think of myself as a victim of rape, but a survivor. I am here with a beautiful little boy and a husband, not curled up afraid of him anymore...I'm living a life and he has no bearing in it.
If you are going through something similar please understand that it takes time and you aren't alone. I know that there are so many feelings and they come all over the place...one minute you want to cry and the next you want to destroy everything around you, and that is okay. Talking does help. My biggest issue was that I kept shoving it down deeper and deeper rather than letting it out, and I ended up almost ending my life. Please remember that what happened to you does not define you, you are still the same beautiful person you were before. Please keep fighting.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Being the mommy of a kiddo on the spectrum
I've been working really hard to get my book started, but tonight I feel like I need to actually make a blog post rather than focus on my book. Things have been very hard lately, being a single mom who is battling a debilitating illness while trying to be there for her special needs five year old can be overwhelming. But, as I sit here with my baby in the crook of my arm, he climbed up a few minutes ago and just snuggled up to me and wanted some lovin from his mommy. It melts my heart when he dose this, and it has been happening more and more lately. There are some moments when I am overwhelmed and crying, and suddenly my beautiful little man climbs up next to me any makes my whole world seem right again.
My beautiful little man was diagnosed with ASD last month, and for those who don't know what that means to put it simply Autism Spectrum Disorder. I've learned over days and nights of research that there is nothing simple that diagnosis because every kid on the spectrum is different. I fell apart the night I found out that my son would battle autism the rest of his life, I looked at it like a bad word...I was naïve, and I had bought into all the stereotypes that I now can't stand after all I've learned in just the last month. I decided the night as I cried my eyes out that I would allow myself to grieve and wallow in my misunderstanding, and the next morning I would 'mommy up' and focus on helping my son get whatever help he needs, and to help me change my parenting style to help him them best.
So, I will tell you that I read and read everything from medical texts to personal stories from other parents. I even learned at Damien's speech therapy that I am apart of a club I never wanted to be in, but now I feel very lucky to be in the club. When you have a child on the spectrum the best support you can get comes from those who know what you go through and can help you because they have been in your shoes. They understand that when your little one has a meltdown it isn't because he is just being bad, it is because he is overwhelmed by sensory overload, and our world can be very scary to his world. It was then that I realized the first thing I had to change. I had spent so long being frustrated, thinking that maybe my son was acting up just to act up, not knowing what he was going through, and then we found out that he is on the spectrum. At first I thought that was the most horrible news to find out that your baby will have to struggle and learn things differently, but after the tears you start to learn that autism isn't a bad word, and my little boy isn't diseased. I learned that he sees the world differently that we do. At that point I had the choice of trying to force him into my world or turning the tables and joining in him his world. It took me about three seconds to decide that I wanted to be in his world, I wanted to understand the things that he has going on, and I wanted to open up my mind and my heart to him, and not care what society expects. I want to be invited into his world, and it has changed everything I've ever known about parenting. I no longer find myself losing my temper when he acts out, I don't care if people stare in public, and I have just calmed down completely learning how to take things one step at a time and not freaking out over nothing. I feel like I've gotten even closer since his diagnosis because I understand more of what he is going through.
People tell me how they feel sorry for me and I don't understand that because now that we know that he is on the spectrum he has been able to get into programs to help him. I've learned that he is very high functioning autistic, our main issue is the speech delay, but I've been told by his speech therapist that it will take time, but he will talk. For now I'm learning how to speak and use sign language along with picture cards, and I'm so proud how quickly my lil man has caught on to signing. I am so proud of him. He has been going to pre-school for the past three weeks and even the teachers can't believe how quickly he has caught on to everything, and everyone has noticed a huge difference in my lil man...he has calmed, he is less aggressive and willing to listen and wait for our next activities, and overall he has just grown up quite a bit in such a short period of time. He is so cuddly and sweet, he comes up to me and gives me big hugs and kisses for no reason and I love it. I love seeing him get excited as we get ready to go out and meet the bus every afternoon.
I will be honest that there are times when things are overwhelming, some days when he is melting down I want to cry because I desperately want to understand what is going on. I've learned to watch for sensory overload because sensory issues are very common with autism, and Damien has a sensory disorder that scares me a lot. He doesn't feel pain the way a normal five year old does, my son can scratch himself to the point of bleeding down his leg and not even cry. That is a very scary thing for a mommy to have a little guy who doesn't always tell you when he is hurt. He will let me know if he is hurt badly, but I am his mommy and I want to know what is wrong even if it is small. I find myself start to cry some days because I know we have a long road ahead of me. I've been blessed that his speech therapist goes our of her way to talk to me about everything and she assured me that the next year will be the most intense and hardest for us. We know that he will be in an autism room when he goes to kindergarten and I am so happy that we live in a school district that offers that because so many people think that autism means that he is slow or can't understand what "normal" kids can, but that isn't true. My son has a very high IQ and is very aware of what you are talking to him about, and he catches onto things very quickly. I have realized that so many people have these preconceived notions about autism and most of them are very wrong, and I was guilty of believing those lies. I've learned so much from my son and the many great people from his school and the Thompson Center, who goes out of their way to help kids on the spectrum in every way possible. It never fails on the days that I am overwhelmed and want to cry for my baby I get to talk to another parent or teacher who tells me how many great things I have to look forward to, and I am able to keep going forward.
One difficult thing is that I'm doing this as a single mom for a few months, and I desperately want to help my family understand about Damien's diagnosis. I want them to know that autism isn't a bad word, and explain that Damien is high function on the spectrum, and he may be on the spectrum, but I have learned how awesome he is...more and more everyday. People often don't see how special these kids are, they are so smart, funny, and have great personalities, and all it takes is stepping into their world rather than pushing them unprepared into a world that terrifies them. My son is teaching me things everyday and I feel so blessed to have him. He doesn't know that he is autistic, he just knows that he is happy being him, and when he is upset I am learning how to help him through it because I can understand why he is upset. I love my lil guy more than anything in this whole world and I know that he is going to do amazing things. We have been focusing a lot on music because he loves it (just like mommy). I thought we had nothing in common and now I see we have so much in common. Are things going to be harder for us...yes, but that just means we have to work together and I know that my lil man will have the best life I can give him.
Having a child on the spectrum is tough, and you have to be willing to change the way your parent, the way your approach your child, get use to the different treatments you have to do, diet changes, and the biggest thing is focusing on routine. I am working on posters and other fun ways to help him keep track of his routine and an award board for when he has earned a good week. He loves helping me do crafts, and to see that smile on his face all the time makes me so happy. He is my miracle, my blessing, and I don't see the fact that he is on the spectrum as some life ending diagnosis. It is just about learning more about Damien's world and how he learns and helping him learn about the world outside of his, and I feel blessed that I am here to help him every step of the way. I will always be here for him to crawl up in the crook of my arm and snuggle until he falls asleep after a hard day of school and speech class. His smile lights up my world, on the days that my own disease has me in so much pain and struggling I can look up at that smile, and then he gives me a huge hug and kiss with a smile added in and my whole world is all better. My son is the most special person in my life, and that means more to me than any boring 'normal' world. I am blessed to have my miracle here next to me.
If you didn't know already, April is National Autism Awareness Month and I strongly encourage you to take a few minutes and learn about Autism Spectrum Disorder. Just like I say about raising awareness for eating disorders and gastroparesis and short gut...things won't change if people lack the education. I was shocked how uneducated I was about ASD. I cried and cried that first night because I thought my son had no life ahead of him, but after doing so much research, all those myths in my head have since gone. I learned that my son has a great opportunity at having a great life. He can learn anything everyone else can, and he already had an almost genius IQ. I learned that speech delay is very common with his dx, and that with the proper help he will be just fine. The biggest thing is not giving up and making sure, as his parent and caregiver that I give him every opportunity available to him. I strongly encourage you to check out 'Autism Speaks' online, they even have a facebook page. You can learn so much about ASD and you would be surprised how many kids and even adults are on the spectrum in some way or another. We need to raise awareness. My son is the coolest, most happy kid I know, and I am blessed to have him snuggled up with me right now...I wouldn't change a thing. If you are looking to a worthy cause to donate to please consider donating to Autism Foundation. There is still so much for us to learn about autism, so many treatments that need funding, and so many kids and people will benefit from donations. I was just as naïve as everyone else, and there are times when I am still overwhelmed and have no idea what I am doing, but there is so much support out there for me and for my son.
If you are a parent who has a child with ASD, and they are newly diagnosed I can tell you I understand where you are. I blamed myself, thinking I did something wrong, but I learned quickly that it wasn't me. The first thing is acceptance, and not looking at this like it is the end of the world because your little one is the same as they were before some doctor told you about ASD. We all stick together, and our kids are all absolutely amazing. There are so many programs that are available for our kiddos and for the parents. Please keep fighting and take the time to see where your kiddo is coming from. Learning about Damien's ASD diagnosis changed me for the better (after my initial meltdown). I no longer lose my temper the way I use to thinking that he was just trying to be difficult, now I know he is overwhelmed and frustrated that I don't understand, and I am lucky now that he is letting me into his world, and the more that happens the closer our bond becomes, the more he trusts me. Everyday I am so proud to be his mom, he catches onto so many new things...everyday he says a word or picks up a new sign or uses his picture cards I can't believe that it has only been a month and he has come so far. I am so proud to be his mommy.
My beautiful little man was diagnosed with ASD last month, and for those who don't know what that means to put it simply Autism Spectrum Disorder. I've learned over days and nights of research that there is nothing simple that diagnosis because every kid on the spectrum is different. I fell apart the night I found out that my son would battle autism the rest of his life, I looked at it like a bad word...I was naïve, and I had bought into all the stereotypes that I now can't stand after all I've learned in just the last month. I decided the night as I cried my eyes out that I would allow myself to grieve and wallow in my misunderstanding, and the next morning I would 'mommy up' and focus on helping my son get whatever help he needs, and to help me change my parenting style to help him them best.
So, I will tell you that I read and read everything from medical texts to personal stories from other parents. I even learned at Damien's speech therapy that I am apart of a club I never wanted to be in, but now I feel very lucky to be in the club. When you have a child on the spectrum the best support you can get comes from those who know what you go through and can help you because they have been in your shoes. They understand that when your little one has a meltdown it isn't because he is just being bad, it is because he is overwhelmed by sensory overload, and our world can be very scary to his world. It was then that I realized the first thing I had to change. I had spent so long being frustrated, thinking that maybe my son was acting up just to act up, not knowing what he was going through, and then we found out that he is on the spectrum. At first I thought that was the most horrible news to find out that your baby will have to struggle and learn things differently, but after the tears you start to learn that autism isn't a bad word, and my little boy isn't diseased. I learned that he sees the world differently that we do. At that point I had the choice of trying to force him into my world or turning the tables and joining in him his world. It took me about three seconds to decide that I wanted to be in his world, I wanted to understand the things that he has going on, and I wanted to open up my mind and my heart to him, and not care what society expects. I want to be invited into his world, and it has changed everything I've ever known about parenting. I no longer find myself losing my temper when he acts out, I don't care if people stare in public, and I have just calmed down completely learning how to take things one step at a time and not freaking out over nothing. I feel like I've gotten even closer since his diagnosis because I understand more of what he is going through.
People tell me how they feel sorry for me and I don't understand that because now that we know that he is on the spectrum he has been able to get into programs to help him. I've learned that he is very high functioning autistic, our main issue is the speech delay, but I've been told by his speech therapist that it will take time, but he will talk. For now I'm learning how to speak and use sign language along with picture cards, and I'm so proud how quickly my lil man has caught on to signing. I am so proud of him. He has been going to pre-school for the past three weeks and even the teachers can't believe how quickly he has caught on to everything, and everyone has noticed a huge difference in my lil man...he has calmed, he is less aggressive and willing to listen and wait for our next activities, and overall he has just grown up quite a bit in such a short period of time. He is so cuddly and sweet, he comes up to me and gives me big hugs and kisses for no reason and I love it. I love seeing him get excited as we get ready to go out and meet the bus every afternoon.
I will be honest that there are times when things are overwhelming, some days when he is melting down I want to cry because I desperately want to understand what is going on. I've learned to watch for sensory overload because sensory issues are very common with autism, and Damien has a sensory disorder that scares me a lot. He doesn't feel pain the way a normal five year old does, my son can scratch himself to the point of bleeding down his leg and not even cry. That is a very scary thing for a mommy to have a little guy who doesn't always tell you when he is hurt. He will let me know if he is hurt badly, but I am his mommy and I want to know what is wrong even if it is small. I find myself start to cry some days because I know we have a long road ahead of me. I've been blessed that his speech therapist goes our of her way to talk to me about everything and she assured me that the next year will be the most intense and hardest for us. We know that he will be in an autism room when he goes to kindergarten and I am so happy that we live in a school district that offers that because so many people think that autism means that he is slow or can't understand what "normal" kids can, but that isn't true. My son has a very high IQ and is very aware of what you are talking to him about, and he catches onto things very quickly. I have realized that so many people have these preconceived notions about autism and most of them are very wrong, and I was guilty of believing those lies. I've learned so much from my son and the many great people from his school and the Thompson Center, who goes out of their way to help kids on the spectrum in every way possible. It never fails on the days that I am overwhelmed and want to cry for my baby I get to talk to another parent or teacher who tells me how many great things I have to look forward to, and I am able to keep going forward.
One difficult thing is that I'm doing this as a single mom for a few months, and I desperately want to help my family understand about Damien's diagnosis. I want them to know that autism isn't a bad word, and explain that Damien is high function on the spectrum, and he may be on the spectrum, but I have learned how awesome he is...more and more everyday. People often don't see how special these kids are, they are so smart, funny, and have great personalities, and all it takes is stepping into their world rather than pushing them unprepared into a world that terrifies them. My son is teaching me things everyday and I feel so blessed to have him. He doesn't know that he is autistic, he just knows that he is happy being him, and when he is upset I am learning how to help him through it because I can understand why he is upset. I love my lil guy more than anything in this whole world and I know that he is going to do amazing things. We have been focusing a lot on music because he loves it (just like mommy). I thought we had nothing in common and now I see we have so much in common. Are things going to be harder for us...yes, but that just means we have to work together and I know that my lil man will have the best life I can give him.
Having a child on the spectrum is tough, and you have to be willing to change the way your parent, the way your approach your child, get use to the different treatments you have to do, diet changes, and the biggest thing is focusing on routine. I am working on posters and other fun ways to help him keep track of his routine and an award board for when he has earned a good week. He loves helping me do crafts, and to see that smile on his face all the time makes me so happy. He is my miracle, my blessing, and I don't see the fact that he is on the spectrum as some life ending diagnosis. It is just about learning more about Damien's world and how he learns and helping him learn about the world outside of his, and I feel blessed that I am here to help him every step of the way. I will always be here for him to crawl up in the crook of my arm and snuggle until he falls asleep after a hard day of school and speech class. His smile lights up my world, on the days that my own disease has me in so much pain and struggling I can look up at that smile, and then he gives me a huge hug and kiss with a smile added in and my whole world is all better. My son is the most special person in my life, and that means more to me than any boring 'normal' world. I am blessed to have my miracle here next to me.
If you didn't know already, April is National Autism Awareness Month and I strongly encourage you to take a few minutes and learn about Autism Spectrum Disorder. Just like I say about raising awareness for eating disorders and gastroparesis and short gut...things won't change if people lack the education. I was shocked how uneducated I was about ASD. I cried and cried that first night because I thought my son had no life ahead of him, but after doing so much research, all those myths in my head have since gone. I learned that my son has a great opportunity at having a great life. He can learn anything everyone else can, and he already had an almost genius IQ. I learned that speech delay is very common with his dx, and that with the proper help he will be just fine. The biggest thing is not giving up and making sure, as his parent and caregiver that I give him every opportunity available to him. I strongly encourage you to check out 'Autism Speaks' online, they even have a facebook page. You can learn so much about ASD and you would be surprised how many kids and even adults are on the spectrum in some way or another. We need to raise awareness. My son is the coolest, most happy kid I know, and I am blessed to have him snuggled up with me right now...I wouldn't change a thing. If you are looking to a worthy cause to donate to please consider donating to Autism Foundation. There is still so much for us to learn about autism, so many treatments that need funding, and so many kids and people will benefit from donations. I was just as naïve as everyone else, and there are times when I am still overwhelmed and have no idea what I am doing, but there is so much support out there for me and for my son.
If you are a parent who has a child with ASD, and they are newly diagnosed I can tell you I understand where you are. I blamed myself, thinking I did something wrong, but I learned quickly that it wasn't me. The first thing is acceptance, and not looking at this like it is the end of the world because your little one is the same as they were before some doctor told you about ASD. We all stick together, and our kids are all absolutely amazing. There are so many programs that are available for our kiddos and for the parents. Please keep fighting and take the time to see where your kiddo is coming from. Learning about Damien's ASD diagnosis changed me for the better (after my initial meltdown). I no longer lose my temper the way I use to thinking that he was just trying to be difficult, now I know he is overwhelmed and frustrated that I don't understand, and I am lucky now that he is letting me into his world, and the more that happens the closer our bond becomes, the more he trusts me. Everyday I am so proud to be his mom, he catches onto so many new things...everyday he says a word or picks up a new sign or uses his picture cards I can't believe that it has only been a month and he has come so far. I am so proud to be his mommy.
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